Woman wants divorce after learning about SO's 'constant contact' and 'sleepovers' with 20-year-old babysitter. AITA?

"AITA for telling my husband (39) I want a divorce after finding he and our 20-year-old babysitter are in constant contact and having sleepovers?"

My husband (39m) and I (36f) have been together for 12 years and married for nearly 7. We have two children together (5m and 2f). We have a really good life and my husband is great in every way, he is extremely kind and good to me. He is an even better father. He has never so much as called me a name or raised his voice.

Within the last few months I started noticing somewhat odd interactions between he and our longtime babysitter (20f). My gut was telling me something was off, and it’s never steered me wrong in the past.

For some background, I have known our sitter since I was a teen and she was a child as she was my Nextdoor neighbor, and her parents are still neighbors with my parents. Our sitter attends college in a neighboring state. My family and children are extremely close with the sitter and her family.

My kids love her and she loves them. She accompanies us to community activities and also spends time with us at our home whenever she is home from school (summer, holidays, long weekends).

Now, on to the red flags. I knew my husband and our sitter texted occasionally, and didn’t mind because I thought it was infrequent and assumed it was always the sitter initiating the messages. She also occasionally texts me and also texts my husband and I in a three way message.

My family and I have long suspected she has a crush on my husband, however that doesn’t bother me as I trust him, I’m confident and my sitter is young/immature. Also, not to be rude, but as far as your stereotypical beauty standards go, I am far more attractive than she is.

A few months ago I started noticing that she knew things that had happened within my family, such as spats between my sisters, etc. I asked her how she knew about them, and she responded that my husband was texting her when it happened. I found that to be really strange and somewhat innapropriate.

Next, there were two nights recently where she spent the night to spend time with the kids (again she LOVES them) while I was working an overnight. I learned afterwards that the two of them stayed up watching movies together into the night after putting our kids to sleep.

Maybe not so strange? My husband NEVER initiates hanging out with me after the kids go to bed. We usually sleep separately, each with one of our kids, because they love co-sleeping.

We are aware we need to break that habit :) but I’m being honest for the sake of this story. So I’m immediately hurt that he is staying up late and watching movies with our sitter, and doesn’t do the same with me, and also find it really strange and inappropriate.

Last Sunday, my son was watching Netflix on my husband’s phone and I saw a message come in from the sitter. I take the phone and tap on it. Prior to this I have never ever looked, or wanted to look, through anyone’s phone other than my own. But my gut had been telling me that something is up, so I looked.

I scrolled back a ways and saw that they were texting A LOT. Sometimes about the kids, but usually not. It was consistent messaging on almost a daily basis, if not daily. They both initiated conversation with varying topics. He texts her more frequently than he does me, say when I’m gone 9-36 hours a day at work.

I found this constant communication to be super concerning and not okay for a married man to be engaging with a 20 year old female, twenty years his junior. Never mind the power imbalance at play in a situation like this given the age gap and the fact that we regularly employ her and supplement her income!

I confronted him right away, and his excuse was that “she is family, she is my friend, I thought you text her all the time, nothing has happened." Nope, didn’t accept his dumb response.

I asked him if one of his married friends were to be interacting with their babysitter like this, if he thought it was okay. He said No. I asked if he thought their wives would be okay, he said No.

I let him know that I want to separate and live separately. He of course did not want this. Part of me thinks financials play a role as I make 3x what he makes, and he could not live in this expensive city without my income. Tough.

I haven’t spoken to him in 3 days and have made it a point to be working or at my mom’s with the kids so I don’t have to see him. He has been messaging me, but I’ve barely responded. I would love and really appreciate some outside perspective. AITA? Am I overreacting?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Baddibutsaddi said:

He knew what he was doing was inappropriate but he enjoyed the ego boost of a young woman being interested in him. You also need to get rid of her she knew what she was doing. NTA.

TheNamelessSlave said:

NTA - Motive, check, likely intent, check ... So all that's really missing here is opportunity, which is what constant communication is all about. He's just trying to be in the right place at the right time to bang this girl. Dump this dude hard. The end.

PapayaParking6434 said:

NTA. That is super inappropriate. Also, why is she spending the night only when you are not home, and do you really believe they were just watching movies? Confront her about it, in person, not thru text. Also fire her and tell her what she did was very inappropriate and that you can’t trust her around your kids anymore.

Power imbalance or no, at 20 yrs old you know exactly what you’re doing. If she has trouble understanding, phrase it this way “If I went over to your house to spend the night with your dad while your mom was out of town, how do you think that would make your mom feel?”

I’d also tell her you’re disappointed in her and that she should have considered your feelings and your relationship. And as others have said, talk to her parents and yours about what she did. As for your husband, what 39 year old has 20 year old friends? Sounds disgusting and pathetic, and not worth the fight.

Big_Zucchini_9800 said:

NTA. You should also fire the babysitter. She loves your kids and is imagining playing house being their stepmom. Husband may just be feeding his ego from her, but it's not appropriate and may qualify as grooming.

If he genuinely wants to save the marriage then he will cut off contact himself. If he keeps trying to convince you that it's not that serious and keep you both then it's probable that he wants to keep your financials but would take an opportunity to sleep with her.

MsTerious1 said:

If there were no texts that ventured into flirting talk or innuendo, then I think YTA if you leave and blow up everyone's lives without first giving the man you pledged your life to a benefit of doubt. "No more texts, and we find a new sitter" is appropriate and if he doesn't honor it, leave.

zebrasmack said:

YTA. There's a chance he's genuine here. Why everyone jumps to the worst case scenario is insane. but that's reddit. He could see her as a daughter. he could see her as a family friend. he could see her any of a numerous amount of ways. notice how none of the text were in appropriate? no actions were inappropriate?

Could they be sleeping together? sure, why not. but i think you owe it to your husband, to your babysitter, to your kids, and to yourself to try harder than not at all to find out what's happening.

Sorry, but your feelings alone are not enough to accuse someone of something like that. gotta have something more than assumptions and speculation.

maggersrose said:

NTA Go home. See a lawyer, legally separate. Decide if you want to work on the marriage or not. Do not stay at your mothers, he might be able to argue abandonment: IF you decide work in your marriage, get couples counseling, end the co-sleeping and focus on your marriage. Get a new babysitter and set clear boundaries on acceptable communication with others outside of your relationship.

I don’t know if he’s physically cheating but at a minimum he’s engaging in an EA. With a barely legal woman he’s known since she was a child!.!taking advantage of her crush and getting an ego boost on the attention. He knew he was wrong. So very sorry.

CatPerson88 said:

ESH. Husband and baby sitter: Obvious. You think your husband and your sitter MAY be carrying on an affair (it certainly seems that way). But instead of sleeping with your husband, paying more attention to each other, working on your marriage, suggesting counseling...

or doing ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING to save your family, you immediately want to separate and divorce. No other communication. Relationships take work. Neither of you seem to be trying too hard to save it.