"WIBTAH at thanksgiving?"

My family (parents, siblings, cousins, etc) usually have a big joint thanksgiving dinner and we go around the table and verbally express what we are grateful for. Most people say “family” or “all of you guys!!” first, but WIBTAH (23F) for handpicking one individual in the family that has significantly change my life this year (my grandmother) and no one else.

Granted, it’s not a “f you” to the rest of them, it’s just that my grandmother doesn’t get the recognition she deserves and i love her to death.

For a bit of context, there has been a lot of tension in the family since this time last year and it got to the point where there were “sides”. (The details of that dilemma are way too much for this post but just know it kinda shattered the family dynamic for good). I say this to say, I know my mom and sister will take it personally.

This all kind of sounds silly as i type it out, but i think it says something about me for me to even be concerned about the perception of my gratitude this year. Also side note: my mom is a classic narcissist and will certainly feel attacked by this.

i want to be comfortable enough to express my gratitude for my grandmother who has helped me with a trillion things this year as i've been having to make "adult" moves. She has also been there for me as simply a shoulder to cry on and for all kinds of advice.She is my best friend.

On the other hand, my mom has been nothing but a headache and she is the reason i am in therapy. (That explains my relationship to the two of them). My grandmother is my mother's mother in law, so they have a bit of a rocky relationship.

If i decide to say "i am grateful for grandma" and not "i am grateful ALL of my family", i know some of them would be offended- especially after everyone having gone and started with the same thing.

I don't think it is wrong of me to be specific, but i guess i understand that it can be taken a little saltily. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but it would be my truth and i have been working on sincerity this month. Yes, i am fundamentally grateful for everyone, but it is just not on the same level as i feel for my grandmother.

Let's see what readers thought:

flo9uand writes:

NTA. You could say something along the lines of, "I'm grateful for each of you, but this year I'd especially like to thank Grandma. She does so much for us all, and I know we are all truly grateful for her".

Maybe afterwards you could have a side conversation with grandma expressing exactly how you feel and why. Im sure she will be so appreciative of that. Good luck, OP!

mlcc writes:

YTA. You just wrote that it will exacerbate a problem that has existed, so clearly you aren't going to be able to state it in a way that does not hurt feelings. You even said that it would bother your own mother.

raoaudn6 writes:

NTA. Sounds like this 'tradition' is nothing more than lip service and no one speaks their truth (like a tv show Thanksgiving).

You need to think of the consequences of going against the current as you have to live with the fallout. I can't stand the whole "don't rock the boat" mentality. But you know who and what you can live with.

If you want to go with the flow, talk with your grandmother before dinner to tell her how much she means to you, which is something I hope you tell her regularly.

clsybay writes:

You WBTA, just because it sounds like doing this would create un needed drama. It doesn’t need to be Thanksgiving to express gratitude, especially toward people that you love and who have helped you.

If you feel like it would break the peace in a way that would hurt your relationship with the rest of your family, then say that you are thankful for your family at the dinner table.

You can talk to your grandmother before or after, or if that seems daunting, write a letter. If she has been dealing with your mother (who you say is a narcissist,) then she will understand you just wanting to keep the table civil. Good luck with whatever you do! Family is hard.