Woman wants husband to stop cooking most nights; 'You're ruining my childcare schedule.' AITA? UPDATED

When this woman is upset with her husband, she asks the internet:

"WIBTA for asking my husband to stop cooking most nights?"

First off, I realize how stupid this rant sounds. I wouldn’t blame a downvote. I work for a wonderful company that recently extended my leave to 6 months (I’ve already taken 3 so now I have 3 more).

My baby was born early and has a few minor issues with feeds so our pediatrician recommended holding off on daycare until he hits 6 months. I was immediately approved for the extra time off.

I felt… Sad. I’m an attorney who runs that small company. My CFO is doing great and my board has been so kind, but I miss working. That was my identity and now I feel a little lost.

My husband is amazing. He really is. I regularly have nights or days off on weekends. He’s a whole parent who loves being a dad. When he’s off work we try to really split childcare and household chores 50/50. Basically when one of us is on baby duty the other cooking, cleaning, taking care of the dogs, etc

The problem is that my husband loves cooking. It’s his safe space. He makes really elaborate meals that are truly restaurant quality. This was great before the baby, but now it’s just more time when I’m doing childcare.

I adore my son but after spending all day with him, sometimes I want a break. Then one of us has to do dishes (we usually switch every other night while the other takes the baby).

He also loves grocery shopping. The process of meal planning and picking out food has always been his favorite weekend activity. I recently asked if we could just order groceries. He agreed but I can tell he’s kind of bummed. Shoppers don’t spend as much time picking out quality ingredients.

Our baby sleeps through the night (yay!) but he’s hard during the day. He’s fussy and demands constant attention. I’m exhausted when my husband gets back from work and just want a break. I hate cooking so switching off isn’t really an option.

The hell of it is, we both do really well financially. We could order a food service or order takeout every day if we really wanted. He just loves cooking so much and I feel bad asking him to scale it back.

We’re already doing frozen meals two nights a week (like a lasagna and bag salad on the side), and he’s just not as happy on those nights. I can tell he misses having that hour to create something and unwind.

It’s just hard because it’s not like he’s out drinking or playing video games. He’s providing a service to our family and putting a lot of labor into it. I feel so bad asking him to stop. Am I insane? Is this just hormones? I feel guilty even asking.

I really should have added this in my original post but we have had a very hard time finding childcare. We tried this before I asked for an extended leave. Most nannies and daytime sitters want a permanent position.

I have an ad up on a Care site and we’ve worked with a service, but three folks dropped out before even starting because they understandably wanted something long term for stability.

It’s also hard because our baby still requires special care with his feeds which has scared a few folks away. It’s a great suggestion but right now it’s not an option. He’s starting daycare when he hits six months old and we’ve already put a three month deposit down.

Also I just want to say thank you for some of the other suggestions I’ve gotten! I’ll blame my baby brain fog, but some of the most simple solutions have given me a lot of hope.

Before we give you OP's first update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

coryweyy76 writes:

I actually understand this. My husband shops and cooks and I have clean up duty and it’s extensive. My mom has an apartment on our lower level and we carry all food down and eat with her.

After I finish the plates and cups downstairs, I have to do our kitchen. It’s a lot. I am 63 and definitely don’t have a baby in the mix and a bedtime routine to deal with. The one caveat is we eat very healthy meals.

So, I just shut up about the mess. I am tired every evening but grateful too so don’t say anything but some nights it’s pretty awful and I wish for just a simple rotisserie chicken or something.

michme writes:

So it sounds like to me, you both have an end in sight, baby is starting daycare in 2ish months, those 2 months are going to be the most paradoxical 2 months of your life, the days and weeks will feel so long, and once you are at the end it’ll feel like it went by so quickly.

My little guy is turning 2 this week. He didn’t sleep through the night until he was almost a year. That was the longest year of my life, and yet it came so quickly and now he’ll be two!!! My oldest one is going to be 20 this year, I don’t know how 2 decades just woosssshed right by me.

My point is, I feel like you’re fixating on this one thing that you feel is REALLY big and, sure it is, but in 2 months you will more than likely miss this time with your baby. My baby is in daycare 3 days a week, I some days can’t wait to drop him off, just so I can get things done, but almost as soon as I drop him off, I really miss him.

And with my oldest!! Dude is 2hrs away living his best life, but I count the days until he comes home to visit. You both need to give each other grace and find a comfortable compromise. You get an hour when dad gets home, dad gets an hour to cook dinner.

ffatan7 writes:

There is room for compromise, but I would be hesitant to ask him to give up most of something he really loves, especially since it’s something that contributes to the household.

You can try asking him to focus more on one or two pot meals so you both have more time for other things now that the baby is here. It’s also nice to have one night a week that is takeout night plus one or two nights frozen meals. Thats not bad.

And now, OP's 1st update:

OP: Trust me when I say we’ve tried everything. Our pediatrician basically thinks because he’s premature his mind has developed faster than his motor skills. The good news is that it’s likely to get better. The bad news is that I feel like I’ve tried everything.

A sling can help for an hour, especially if I talk it sing to him. Sometimes his swinging hair calms him for long enough for me to take a shower and such. There are tricks, but even with everything he screams 4-6 hours a day.

Believe me, his medical care isn’t the problem. We live next to the children’s hospital and he has a care team. He was just born premature and with that is going to come certain issues at the beginning of life.

Everyone has given very, very kind suggestions to stop the screaming, but this isn’t something we just grew our hands up with. We’ve tried.

We put a 3 month deposit down for daycare. Initially he was supposed to start this month but his doctor recommended pushing back until he’s 6 months because he still has feeding issues. Before I asked for extended leave we tried desperately to find a short term nanny to bridge the gap before he starts daycare.

No one who can take care of a special needs baby wants short term work. Folks have kindly given a or of suggestions there, but I’ve already had three people fall through. I have an ad up, I’m on Facebook groups, and we’re on a service waitlist. It’s just hard to find skemkne willing to take a three month gig.

So for now, me being his caretaker is the only option I’ve found. I’m very lucky my board has approved my leave and don’t take that for granted, but I wish there was another option.

Relevant Comments

beepbeepboop74656: Why not hire out cleaning/laundry and get a dishwasher maybe try grocery shopping as a family every so often? Try to let your husband cook if that’s his downtime and hire out the less desirable tasks.

OP: We have a housekeeper once a week. The reality is with a baby there will always be daily chores. I do what I can in the day, but it’s hard with the amount of attention he demands.

Taking him out in public right now is hard because he’s so fussy. We’re making an effort to do so once a week but usually one of us has to stay home

And now, OP's update:

So first I want to thank everyone who responded to my posts yesterday. I even enjoyed the callouts. I am indeed the woman who complained about her husband cooking for his family.

I’ll also just cut to the chase that I sent the posts to my husband and he was pretty impressed with how thoughtful some of the comments were. He also thought it was funny that I felt the need to post at all.

He actually did laugh until I burst into tears. He just didn’t realize how much I needed a break, but he understood. He’s watched him during the day and knows it’s a pretty tall order.

Basically he is going to still cook twice during the week but on those days, I’m going to take an hour to do something for myself (read, yoga, a bath, etc). We’re also going to meal prep on Sunday together so his meals don’t take longer than an hour on weekdays.

Saturday is our family day and is now also going to be his “fancy meal” day. There are a few two to three hour dishes he wants to try. He thinks having that space will help satisfy the creative outlet he uses cooking for.

The rest of the days we’ll do a frozen meal or order takeout. Trust me when I say everyone was relieved my cooking was not part of this compromise. lol.

Someone suggested we still order groceries but pick out specific ingredients that are crucial to certain dishes. He loved that idea. There’s a farmers market by our house every Saturday. He’s going to go pick out some fresh produce and spices and order the rest.

A lot of yall sent really great suggestions, including meal prep and quick recipes. Sincerely, thank you. I also appreciate folks who told me to just ask for a break.

In the end, this didn’t have to be that dramatic as my husband basically walked in without a solution in place. I’m going to chalk this up to hormones and exhaustion, but it’s a good lesson to ask for what you need. I love being a mom so much, but the reality is that he’s a fussy baby who has special needs.

The good news is that this is temporary- a fact I had forgotten and was very grateful to those who reminded me. I really appreciate everyone who gave me helpful advice without making me feel guilty for the fact that I miss working.

It’s really hard to explain what it’s like having a baby scream for 4-6 hours. Folks who haven’t had a hard baby sometimes don’t fully understand that there’s not always a solution or even an explanation.

I assure you my son has a great medical team and two parents who love him dearly who are constantly researching care and trying everything we can to make him comfortable.

He was just born early and is going to have complications until his body catches up to his adjusted age. Even so, I really appreciated everyone who tried to give me baby advice. It was very sweet.

Also, I promise I have tried to find help, and will continue to. It’s hard to find short term assistance for a baby with special needs.

Everyone gave great suggestions but ultimately this is likely to be our reality for the next several months until our baby can go to daycare. A few comments reminded me there are a few stones left unturned in my search, so I’ll keep trying.

Overall, I’m a lot better today. I have a great partner who is obviously one of the most patient and supportive people I know. I’m also very grateful to have a job that gave me these accommodations in the first place.

I don’t know what we would have done otherwise. Finally, I adore my son. Even on bad days he’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. He’s even being pretty chill today as if he sensed I needed a break.

My husband is cooking which means I’m going to take a bath tonight with a nice glass of wine. I deeply appreciate you all for your help and wise words.