Man wants revenge; 'My family wants me to hide my heterochromia at my sister's wedding.' AITA? UPDATED 3X

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'My family wants me to hide my heterochromia for my sister’s wedding. AITA?'

My (21M) sister (32F) is getting married and they want me to sing at her wedding but also wear contacts to hide my Heterochromia (I have 2 different colored eyes).

I’m Asian and my family thinks my heterochromia will never be socially accepted/always looked down upon and may even be perceived as some kind of illness or a disability and they don’t want the new in laws to perceive any flaws about us and our family.

I live abroad so I don’t see my family often, but every time I visit I get urged to go out in public, at events, to see family.. wearing contacts.

Spring every year (when this wedding is), we have really bad yellow dust and wearing the contacts is going to be a pain. I have good vision so contacts are not part of my life at all except to hide my colored eye.

My mom has always been image oriented. Grooming my sister and I our whole lives and being hyper critical about our looks.

My only flaw is my eye condition. My sister’s flaw was her nose and my mom bullied her into surgery for a small bump no one would have said anything bad about.

So should I suck it up and wear the contacts for that day? Maybe I'm picking the wrong time to retaliate. When is the right time? AITA?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top comments:

crsimgho writes:

NTA, but your reservations about not ruining your sisters wedding by causing a scene with your mom is probably valid. If your sister doesn't want to back you, suck it up one last time for her (not your mom) and afterwards you need to stand up for yourself and tell your mom to f off.

feaaaagut writes:

NTA, but as an mixed race Asian with a mom who has always been super critical about appearances, I totally understand what you're going through.

My mom criticized my sister and I all the time growing up. It's hard to know what to do. It's unfortunate that in Asian culture, it's so important how you are perceived by others and how that looks on the family.

Perhaps your mom has some deeper thoughts about why she wants you to hide it. I know for my mom, she resented my white dad and sometimes took that out on us, especially if we reminded her of my dad.

My mom faced some criticism for marrying a white man and then getting divorced didn't help. Not sure what your parents' marriage was like, but maybe there could be some underlying criticism she's faced?

I would try to have a discussion with both your sister and mom to try to come to a resolution. Maybe you can compromise and wear contacts for the singing then take them out for the rest of the wedding?

I personally would go without wearing contacts, but I've always not cared much about what my mom thinks cause sometimes she's just so irrational (I've given my mom a lot of grief over the years!).

My sister, on the other hand, would probably give in to my mom and wear the contacts. As I've gotten older and since my dad passed away, I've realized I only have so much time with my mom, so sometimes it's easier just to keep the peace.

Whatever happens, just know that you are beautiful the way you are. I hope you and your family have a great time at the wedding and wishing you all the best!

flet writes:

NTA. It's also not, like, a "condition". You're not diseased, lol. It's just the color of your eyes? It doesn't come with pathological effects. The way you talk about it sounds almost like you believe a little bit that it's not acceptable...but most people would be so stoked to have two different colored eyes!

It's not just acceptable, but coveted. I don't understand your mother. Finding reasons to shame you. This should absolutely not be a big deal and she has no right to create this drama where there is none. Nobody cares!

Just don't wear them and don't make a big deal out of it, refuse to be sucked into the drama. If someone asks about it, just say you used to wear a colored contact and you recently decided you didn't want to anymore.

End of story. No explanation or excuse. Just move on to the next topic. This weird situation your mother has created does not deserve the respect you are giving it.

And now, OP's update:

As I mentioned in my post, I live abroad. I grew up and went to school outside my home country from a young age where I never hide my condition. The older I get, the more I receive a lot of compliments for it in the US/Europe.

I’ve been told it suits my demeanor and personality, which is on the quieter side. I have been scouted a few times for modelling but in all honesty I am not that good at it.

In my home country, most people have the same eye color (more homogenous society). And while enhancing your eye color is popular, it still tends to lean very natural looking.

I was raised to hide my eye color from a young age there, so admittedly it's been hard to move away from that because I got so used to wearing contacts every time I visit. I'm not a shy person, but i'm an introvert and not having attention on me when I don't want it has always been a personal incentive to comply.

I have gone without contacts in my home country on a few occasions. The responses have been mixed. There have been some comments from older people which are in alignment with my mom's fears. But when it comes to younger people, the reactions are often positive.

Not always though lol. Some people know what heterochromia is and clock it. I have also been told I come across intimidating to approach in general (even in contacts), so most of the time no one will say anything to my face, they will just steal glances and whisper to each other.

When people do end up talking to me they say things like 'but then I talked to you, and you were kind', 'you have a calm energy', 'your eyes are really cool/beautiful'..

I am aware many people find my eyes attractive but my mom is an older woman who has been conditioned by her own upbringing; her worries are things like.. my heterochromia will hold me back from success, jobs, opportunities etc in the country she grew up in.. which holds some truth and is the reality there. I shared here a little bit about her perspective.

Please keep in mind this post is about my personal experience, I’m not trying to speak for all the Asians of the world. My family is conservative. Their social circle is too. This post is mainly situational, about my sister's wedding.

On that note.. I think it’s likely going to come down to me wearing contacts for my sister.. just to keep things civil and out of respect for her. I'm not doing it for my mom or grandmother, or anyone else. But for my sister, so as not to add to her stress.

However, I will be doing this on the condition that.. I will not be wearing any contacts on visits moving forward. I am sure once I share my feelings, my sister will understand and back me up on that. I might even show her this page.

Thank you for all your positive comments, for reading this (i'm not good at writing) and sharing your opinion. To the optometrists and ophthalmologists, I saw some of your comments. I'll do the right thing.

To the few people who saw my slip up in using my main Reddit on accident, I appreciate you complimenting me but please stop doxxing me in the comments. I have asked some people to redact.

Update 2 (with more comments and responses from OP):

lifesignif writes:

dont wear them. you'll be setting a standard they will expect you to keep up all the time if you do. Family can be critical and it's easy to do as they say for approval, but you are unique and heterochromia eyes are beautiful. Never let anyone, even family, make you think otherwise. Go with pride !

OP replies:

This is one of the reasons I feel like not wearing them.. it’s a good opportunity to make everyone see my eyes (even some family who previously had no idea about my condition) but on the other hand, I feel bad I’m using my older sister’s wedding to do that. I don’t want to cause drama at her wedding or take away from her moment in any way.. that holds me back.

I have talked to my sister. She is feeling her own pressure during the wedding, and wants everything perfect. My dad passed away at the end of last year so there’s an added intensity to everything.. I didn’t share my feelings I just asked if I could go without contacts and she asked if I would please wear them to avoid issues with our mom adding to her plate.

My sister and I have a good relationship. I’d do it for her.. but I’m thinking maybe I need to have a deeper conversation.. maybe she doesn’t know how I feel about it.

I’m also adopted.. my grandmother didn’t want my parents to adopt me because she thought something like that had happened to my eye even if everyone reassured them said it was healthy (and functional lol). She didn’t believe anyone and would test my vision for years when my parents left her with me.

Back to the way my mom sees things.. the more talented, attractive or whatever you are.. the more you should strengthen that impression by covering up any ‘flaw'. It's all about saving face and never letting people know your weaknesses or shortcomings.

She has the misconception that heterochromia is a defect. She never encouraged me to embrace it. I briefly got scouted for modeling when I was a kid and I worked in contacts, always. No one could know. “Don’t talk about your eye”.

It's the opposite mentality of wanting to raise your child to embrace being unique. Instead, you should aim to be as close to the 'ideal' as possible. Stand out, but only stand out in very specific and acceptable ways.

Update 3:

I got some DMs requesting an update. I didn't reply to anyone because the wedding hadn't happened yet and there was nothing to say.

Since I already answered questions in my original post, I will just do a simple update here and not answer any more questions lol. If you have a really burning question you can ask it but I don't check Reddit often.

I had a long conversation with my sister. We had to do it over FaceTime because I was still abroad but in a way it was better. She understands and was genuinely feeling bad about having to request this from me, but we both decided it's not the time to defy the family.

I put my personal frustration aside, and after making the first post I began to feel that I was being selfish. I think most people didn’t want me to make the decision I did.. I’m sorry.

My sister was prepared to let me participate in her wedding without any contacts, but I decided to wear them because it's her wedding day.

I wore contacts. Yellow dust was ... yellow dusting lol. But most of the wedding was indoor so it was tolerable.

I didn't do the malicious compliance guys.. so no Halloween demon contact lenses. The optometrists and eye surgeons on the original post convinced me it's not worth the risk. I already hate putting in contacts.

After the wedding, I took the contacts out (mom wasn’t happy) and I haven't been wearing them here during my visit. After the first few encounters about it with family and relatives, it's mostly okay with me now..

It's a little bit exhausting having the same conversations and hearing the same responses.. I think I might need therapy or something for some of the feelings I have.. and issues with my mom that have been created now because of my choice. But thanks for helping me get over the hardest part.

Readers continued to weigh in:

crimny writes:

The wedding pictures will be weird to look at years later since there wil always be a sense that there is something “wrong”. My older sister has been shorter than me since we were like 10 and 12.

One of the last teen family portrait shots of our high school/college years, the camera guy set up a sisters shot and had her stand on a box so she’d be taller since she’s ‘older’. Mom and sister couldn’t stand that portrait. It’s just looked so wrong!

Your heterochromia is one of the beautiful and unique things that fundamentally make you you. I hope your family comes to love and accept it as you have! And can I say-I’m jealous? Like girls with straight hair are jealous of curly hair girls (and vice versa)? Anyway, wishing you emotional wellbeing after that exhausting wedding.

OP replies one last time:

I took pictures with her on her wedding day without my contacts. I know what you mean though .. my mom edited my eyes in our family portraits for years (the unedited copies still exist too, my dad kept them). Moving forward, I’m not going to cater to this, and everyone will just have to get over it. Thanks a lot for reading and sharing your opinion.