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Woman wants to terminate pregnancy and get divorced after husband and MIL's 'accusation.' AITA? 2 MAJOR UPDATES

Woman wants to terminate pregnancy and get divorced after husband and MIL's 'accusation.' AITA? 2 MAJOR UPDATES


When this woman wants to get rid of her pregnancy and get divorced immediately, she asks Reddit:

"I want to end my pregnancy and get a divorce. AITA?"

I came to this sub because I want to tell this to somebody, and it seems that I can only keep it to myself. I cried for several hours, I am very scared and tired, so I think I will be rambling. I just want to put this somewhere, and my husband and his family don’t know English, so this place makes me feel safe.

I learned that I am pregnant this morning. I don’t know how long that has been. I told my husband the next moment I knew. He was happy. He told me he was glad. He was very happy when he left to meet his parents.

I opened my door today to my mother in law and him. He did not tell me she would come, and he knows I don’t do well with announced visitors, especially of that importance. It was her second or third time on our apartment, but she acted like it was hers. She ordered me to sit, and I felt so anxious.

My heart was beating so fast, it all felt so unsafe. I kept looking at my husband, but he never looked me in the eyes. He was looking at the floor or at his hands.

His mother demanded a paternity test, right after congratulating me. It felt so awful. She didn’t say anything rude or bad but it felt like she did. It felt like she called me a prostitute. I was shocked and I kept trying to get my husband to look at me, but he would not.

She noticed and ordered me to look at her, and that her son would not help me. It felt so scary. She started to threaten me with the lawyers that are friends to their family. WTF. She told me that if I was smart, I would go with her to the clinic tomorrow and this will all be other with.

It felt so awful, it felt like I was completely at the mercy of this woman. It felt like she could just grab me and put her hands inside me herself, and my husband would not protect me. And the most disgusting of all, it felt like she somehow did that. It felt like she somehow put her hands inside me and tainted whatever is there.

Whatever I felt for my husband died at that moment. After the shock and the fear, I felt disgust for him. I felt sick sitting there. He looked so disgusting and pathetic sitting there silent, not protecting me. It felt disgusting that I ever let him touch me, let him do this to me. Like all the love I had for him was tainted too.

All I managed to say was that I need time to decide. She told me there is nothing to decide. I told her that I am shoked and I need time. She told me that this was what she was afraid to hear and it’s all very clear to her.

It felt like I would throw up. I wanted to cry so badly and my voice was shaking, but I didn’t cry. She said that she is sorry that it had to be this way, but she gave me three days. My husband stood to see her out, not saying a word to me. He went to see her to her car, and I was left alone.

I immediately cried. I felt so scared. I felt like they could barge in and just take it out of me, if they wanted, like they thought so little of me. Did my husband always think that I was cheating, or did her? Did they always look at me and thought that I am unfaithful? Several times I tried to threw up because I was crying so hard.

Why didn’t my husband protect me? This is not who I married. The last time I felt so unsafe was when I was in my parents home, and I vowed that I would never feel this way again. I married him because I felt like he could protect me, and he didn’t. I still feel sick and disgusting, for letting him touch me, for being pregnant by him.

When I heard him come back, I locked the door to the bathroom and I have been there ever since, crying. He didn’t say a word to me. I am waiting for him to fall asleep, so I can fall asleep on a couch we have in the kitchen. I don’t ever want to be in the same bed with him again.

I may not think clearly, but I want a divorce. I will never feel safe with this man, and I would never love him again, I know that for certain. I will never be sure that he will protect me. I can’t stay.

The thing that makes me scared is that I want to end the pregnancy. It was the first thing I googled. What I have inside me is his, it ties me to him and to his mother, I want it out.

While I was crying, I scratched my stomach unintentionally, and now it all red and itching, I can’t think about what is inside of me without crying in hysteria. I want out, I want to be safe.

It’s strange and cruel, but I don’t feel bad for wanting a divorce. I will lose the future that I wanted, and all my friends, and I will have to start all other again, but I did it once, when I left my birth house, I will do it again.

I feel nothing towards what is inside of me, it reminds me of his mother and it scares me. I want it out. I never thought about abortion before, never been around pregnant people much.

Right now I don’t feel anything, but writing this post helped me calm down and I sort of have a plan now. I don’t know if I should move out first, or go to a doctor first. I am afraid they will lock me if they find out.

For some reason, this reminds me of the time I left my parents, and my head feels clear, I am not so panicked anymore and I mostly feel numb. But I was crying a lot earlier. I guess that’s all.

I want to sleep and I need to go to work tomorrow, I think that is good, because I have the excuse to be out of the flat, I don’t feel safe here. Thank you for listening, I have no friends to tell this to. AITA?

Before we provide you with OP's lengthy updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

geezell writes:

My advice is to go along with their demands to keep the peace so to speak but at the same time (and, probably as the next thing you do) get your personal papers to a safe space, get copies of all financials to a safe space, and get your own money secure and away from him and his family.

Make your own appointments with whichever clinic can assist you with an abortion should YOU choose and get an attorney for divorce or, heaven forbid, a strong legal custody/coparenting/child support plan if an abortion is no longer an option.

Be the timid mouse they want you to be in person because that keeps you safe but as soon as you have a safe plan transform into the raging bitch that will fight for herself because no one else will.

P.S…… be looking into evidence of his infidelity because I can see the Mom knowing he steps out and is projecting that on to you….

chimericalmess9 writes:

I am so so sorry this is happening to you. Those people are disgusting and your husband is a coward. Please, leave as fast as you can. Change your phone number and move when they are not around.

Don’t tell anyone where you are unless is a person you really know you can trust and you can give them the hole story and will put your well-being first and foremost.

But do this quickly! They sound so so horrible. If he works outside of the house, you go to your job tomorrow and then take a leave that same day and get all your things that you need and leave.

Also, if you guys have a joint account take the money out AFTER you move your stuff but before he has a chance to come home. Be quick and careful.

nofield0 writes:

Go with her and get a paternity test. Act like everything is fine and be casual. If the results come back immediately just give a smile and a friendly 'told you so'.

Secretly make plans to get an abortion while you are waiting for the results. Or in the few days after they come back. Tell no one. Get the abortion.

Write a letter to your husband and one to your MIL. Detail your disgust at their betrayal and invasion and your husband's cowardice. Tell them you aborted the child because of their actions and they can live with that on their conscience. Do not mail the letters yet.

While you are waiting for the results act normal. But make a plan. Make a list of all the items in the home that are yours. Make a plan of a place you will go to. Confide in one trusted friend or family member who can help you.

Find a window of time where you know you will be alone in your home for a few hours and plan to get all your things out during that time window. Contact divorce attorneys to get ahead of the game.

When the window of time arrives rent a truck and put all your things in the truck and leave to your safe haven. Leave your husbands letter for him in the home. Drop the letter for your MIL in the mailbox.

Settle into your safe haven and proceed with the divorce. Get on your own phone plan, can insurance etc right away.

Block husband and his family on everything and change your number if needed. Only correspond through an attorney. This is the way.

Then, OP provides her first update about the situation:

If he thought so badly about me, why did he marry me? Why did he pursue me so much? He had a lot of better options. It feels really confusing. I always felt very anxious around his mother, but I thought it was my own issues that made me feel so. I should have known. I feel so stupid. I feel like someone fooled me. I feel really dumb.

He was so glad, it makes me sick to remember it. He told me it was a good sign. I don’t understand anything at all.

I swear I never thought I would marry a weak person. There was an aura of confidence around him, always. Like he was so sure about what will come next. It was what attracted me to him and why I enjoyed spending time with him. He just always knew what to do.

I do not know who was there when his mother came to our flat. I don’t remember feeling so alone with him. I feel like I was fooled, or that I myself am just dumb.

It was so important for me to be with people who could protect themselves and me. It was all I was dreaming about when I was a girl. Being married to someone who will not protect me was one of my fears, I saw it happening to my mother.

I don’t understand how I did it, too. I feel very stupid, and disgusting for being in this situation. I feel like I failed.

And now, OP's final update, about a month later:

Hello, everyone This is an update to my post, which is almost a month old now. As always, I wanted to say thank you for all the support, and apologise for not updating sooner. My update was deleted, but things just kept happening every day, and I was too exhausted to rewrite the update.

The main reason was not only the family drama, but my job. My boss didn’t give me even one day off, so I had to do everything in the evening hours or weekends, which took a lot of time (December is a busy time in my line of work, so I often worked after hours).

In short: I am no longer pregnant. I live in my own (very expensive) apartment, but I am not legally divorced yet. Lost all my friends, don’t really have anyone, but I am ok.

Don’t want this to be long, so I don’t want to repeat what I wrote in a deleted update. Maybe I can copy and paste it in the comments, if people are interested.

Writing down all that has happened feels like an impossible task, so please forgive me if i feels like some details are missing, I would try to stay in the comments and answer the questions, if you have any, because I feel like I owe you that after all the support I got here.

In short, I decided to stay with my husband and play along, until I will find a new flat and get a paternity test done. We (my husband and I) had a conversation, he refused to admit that his mother did anything wrong, told me I acted guilty, and I found out that our flat has been payed for by his mother.

My husband makes good money, he can afford this flat. He agreed to let his mother pay for it so he could have more “money for fun”. It made me feel very unsafe and lied to.

My husband promised me that I would never see his mother again, and lied to me. We had one visit to the doctor with just me and my husband. When I arrived to the clinic to get the test done, my husband was not there, but his mother was.

I feel shame remembering that, I could not control my emotions at all, I called him crying and he said he didn’t break his promise because it is not a doctors visit, they would just take our blood. He was late to his appointment, I was alone with his mother in the room and I was crying the whole time.

Nurses treated me badly, not talking to me and only talking to her and making faces when I made noises.

Looking back, I see why they did that, because it did look like I was a young and stupid girl who cheated and is now paying for her choices, the way I acted. But I could not do anything about it, I had another episode where I had no thoughts, only panic, and could not control my emotions.

Later I found out that his mother paid for the test as well. I still don’t know why, he has enough money. After taking me home, he told me that I acted very inappropriately, and he feels ashamed because he can’t invite his mother home.

He also told me that my behaviour makes him feel like he doesn’t want to stay married to me. Now, I feel even thankful for this comment, it snapped me out of my panicked state. I felt a lot of shame for wanting a divorce, but this helped me understand that it is a right thing to do.

In my last update I wrote about how it felt like I was not fully there, and that all of this is happening to another person. People told me that I am dissociating. This state caused me to make mistakes in my work, so I could not get a day off.

But, to be honest, I would like to stay dissociated, because it it better then being constantly panicked and anxious, which was happening to me in the past weeks.

I thought that when my husband and his mother would get the results, they would leave me alone, but I was wrong. When they learned that I was faithful, it got so much worse. His mother basically moved in with us, it was hell. She was texting and calling me all the time, demanding to know when I will be home.

So, in a way I am glad my job is so demanding, because I had an excuse to not be in contact with her when I was working and to do some things after work without her being suspicious, because I typically work more than 10 hours a day in busy months.

However, I still had to sleep and spend evenings and weekends at home, and it was hell. She was with me all the time, she even waited outside the bathroom door for me and was knocking when I took too long.

My husband said that she feels sorry and wants to show me that she cares, because I looked troubled. To me, it didn’t feel this way. I could not do anything, because she made me feel so anxious.

She started cleaning, cooking and everything else, and she was not nice about it. She also forced me to sleep in the same bed as my husband, and these nights were so horrible, I don’t want to remember them at all.

Thankfully, I moved out after 1.5 weeks, but, because it is New Year, the flats are very expensive.

I can’t stay in the flat I am renting right now long term. If I manage to make it until the end of the spring I can rent something more affordable, but I can rent something cheaper (not as cheap as flats will be in summer) after 3 months as well, I will wait and see.

Because of the situation with his mother I only took the most important things. Most of my clothes, books, little things I like stayed there and I probably would not get them back, but I am okay with it.

When I moved, I just texted my husband telling him that I don’t feel comfortable with him, don’t like how our life turned out to be, don’t want to live with his mother being with us constantly, and that is why I want to separate.

He sent me a lot of texts, his mother, too, but I have not opened any text from his mother since moving. It feels really good knowing I can just delete them. My husband was very mad. He called me a lot of bad things, said a lot of unpleasant stuff. Reading that made me cry.

When he asked me if I wanted a divorce I told him that having to sleep in the same bed with him again, and to endure his touch made me understand that not only do I not love him anymore, I feel disgusted.

He told me that either I am cheating and got pregnant by him by chance, or I am completely wrong as a human being, really messed up. To be honest, I agree. I don’t think it is normal to fall out of love this quickly, but I don’t know why this happened. I guess I truly am a person who is very unwell.

My husband demanded that I give him and his mother daily updates on my pregnancy, but by that time I was really sure that I wanted an abortion, so I had to move quickly.

I would not want to describe in details what happened, but I would like to give advice (and thank those who gave me that advice) - get someone to be with you while doing that.

First time trying to get the procedure the woman at the reception told me that I had to give them my husbands written consent and it made me so scared and panicked again, I could not think clear. Later, listening to the advice I got from some people here (thank you so much!).

I searched for groups who help women in hard life situations, and one of them helped me, they gave me a volunteer who was just with me during this, she told me that it’s not legal for them to ask me that, and there are a lot of tricks they use to make women waste time. Without her, I would be so lost. I am so thankful.

A lot of people were invested in my pregnancy and told me that I should keep it, that me wanting the abortion is a trauma response, and I would feel guilty and bad after the procedure. I understand that they wanted the best for me, and I am sorry to say, but I don’t feel bad at all.

Honestly, despite the pain and the general feeling of being ill, which is stil with me today, I felt so much better after the procedure, mentally.

I placed a lot of my attention on the divorce itself, thinking that it would put an end to my state of panic, but it turned out that ending the pregnancy was what I needed. I know it sounds bad, but I want to be truthful.

My reasoning is: if it is a trauma response, this child does not deserve a mother like that. And I am, apparently, a deeply unwell person who can’t control when they would become motionless and full of fear, and who can fall out of love in a day, so I won’t be a good mother to anyone.

And I have to say with all certainty, my husbands mother does not deserve to have children in her care. I know I was emotional back then, but now I am sure - she is made out of the same things my parents are made out of. I can just feel it.

I should have been wiser and seen it before. I have some thought on why I haven’t, and why I didn’t see the way my husband would be, but I need to think about it some more.

I texted my husband “I am no longer pregnant”, and for now I am ignoring his calls and texts. I can’t deal with that. As I said, all my friends are his friends, and his mother told everyone that I was pregnant without my permission on her Instagram, so all of them knew that I was pregnant and probably know that I ended it by now.

Some of our friends (mostly women), reached out to me after I moved, and were offering support, but nobody texts me now and two of them unfollowed me on Instagram.

I knew that would happen and I am okay with that. I never had friends, I was always a weird person, but still, having people to talk to and hangout with was nice, and I feel sad thinking about what they must think of me now. But these are not my friends, so I have to leave.

That’s all I have on my mind now. Probably forgot something again. I am mostly in bed today, trying to get better, because I have to work next week, with overtime as well.

Thank you again for all your well wishes and advice, you helped me in all of this, because I didn’t feel so alone. I wish you all happy holidays and I hope that yours are nice, fun and you spend them the way you want to.

So, is OP definitely NTA here? Did she react too dramatically or was she justified in her response?

Sources: Reddit
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