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Stay-at-home-mom wants to divorce husband after he calls her a 'tradwife.' AITA?

Stay-at-home-mom wants to divorce husband after he calls her a 'tradwife.' AITA?

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"WIBTA for wanting to divorce my (39F) because he (41M) calls me a tradwife?"

I am a SAHM. I left my career to stay home with our child (3F) a little over a year ago. She's autistic, and requires a lot of support. Being a SAHP was never in my plan. I do not like being without my own money. My husband makes a decent living for us as the sole earner. All that being said I have taken to the role fairly easily.

I enjoy meal planning, cooking & baking. Generally experimenting in the kitchen. I built a small garden in our backyard, and I do majority of the cleaning. When my husband is home he also does chores and parenting. He's not one for traditional gender roles or so I thought ( We've been together for 10 years).

I was vacuuming his office about a week ago. He'd left his monitor on before he left for work. Not uncommon, and I went to shut it off. What threw me is that he had X/Twitter open. At first I was just confused by the posts about tradwives, until I saw a picture of me getting something out of the oven. The more I looked. This was his account and he was bragging about having a tradwife. Lying about our dynamics. There were other pics of me in the garden and one of me reading a story to our daughter. Thank God her face wasn't in it. I was so upset, angry and creeped out.

I didn't even think, I just called his phone and when he answered I snapped. I don't even really remember what I said. I do remember him saying to calm down and it was just silly posting. After that I told him I want a divorce, that he was a creep and hung up. He of course came straight home. We argued a bit, but I have fairly strict routine I keep with my daughter. He made me promise we'd talk at night. We did, and he showed me he deleted the account.

It's been a week and my anger hasn't calmed down at all. This is not the man I thought I knew. He says it started as a joke, and got out of control because he liked the attention. So WIBTA if I divorced my husband for pretending I'm a trad wife online?

EDIT:

Yes, I am a traditional wife. I am not a #tradwife. Since our dating years I've always made it known that I wanted an equal partner. I did not want weird gender roles forced on any children we might have. He always agreed and is self identified as a feminist.

I have been mostly avoiding him. I have a temper, and I don't want to be mean to him. So I've been keeping my distance. We've been sleeping in separate rooms, but trying to act normal around my daughter.

No, there have been no other glaringly bad issues in our marriage. A couple of times early on he would crash at friends houses after a night out, and not communicate he where he was. After we talked about it he never did it again.

I do not regret being a stay at home parent or resent my daughter. She is a sweet girl with a lot of challenges in front of her. We're doing our best to get her early interventions, therapies and etc.

My husband has other social media. These photos never showed up on them. Not as an appreciation post our families could see. Yes, I do expect him to ask my permission to post me. Or in the very least that he let me know he has posted me. We do not under any circumstances post pictures of our daughters face online. We agreed on that 5 years before we had her.

There were about 30 posts that I saw. Yes, my face was visible. I didn't read them all. My head started to spin after seeing the one with my daughter. The caption was something like "I thank Jesus everyday for these beautiful ladies." My husband is an Atheist.

I'm going to try and have a conversation soon. I'm not sure when. I need to be in a less easily set off head space. Because I just can't get over the sneaking and lying. It's so bizarre.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Efficient-Tart4412 said:

NTA, this is really weird and creepy. Posting photos of you without your knowledge or consent (especially to show strangers on the internet) is not something a caring partner does.

He’s intentionally twisting the perception of your relationship to suit a fantasy of a subservient wife, and getting validation from random people. There’s something deeper here, and I have a bad feeling it ends in realizing your husband has swallowed the red-pill kool-aid.

Start an exit strategy in case you need it. Reach out to trusted friends and family. Get things prepared for yourself and your daughter on the chance you need to leave. He’s shown you who he is, believe him the first time.

toebeantuesday said:

NTA. I’ve been replying to individual posts to try and inform people why you’re so shocked and horrified and betrayed and why you’re considering divorce as a valid response to this betrayal. Too many people here are wrongly thinking a traditional housewife is the same as a “tradwife”. They might have missed the news on what a “tradwife” is and what beliefs the tradwife movement supports and espouses.

Basically, what has happened is your husband lied TO you (sneaking around behind your back is a form of deceit) and lied ABOUT you. He completely misrepresented who you are and what you believe in. He took advantage of your sacrifice of your career to make himself look like something he is not.

Also, while it’s wonderful you have managed to find pleasure and happiness in your work within your home (and it most certainly is work, and is a job!) it does not justify your husband pushing tradwife propaganda to other families.

I am a traditional stay at home wife and mother and even I would be absolutely livid to be associated in any way with the tradwife movement. It’s against everything I stand for in my own role, as I believe in an equal partnership in decision making and I absolutely do not recognize any authority in my husband over my autonomy as an individual. And there are too many in the tradwife movement who push the agenda that wives should find their fulfillment in submitting to their husbands in many and various ways. You know, if there are women who sincerely want to do that, fine, let them.

But that’s not me and that’s most definitely not you and the fact your husband is out there lying to the public about that is despicable. It sounds like enough of your face was shown to make you personally identifiable and this could have repercussions on your own friendships and career prospects to have your identity misrepresented like this.

So I completely understand why you’re considering divorce. My only advice to you is to wait awhile for the shock and anger to subside, so all of your decisions can be made based with the clearest mind possible. An alternative to divorce is to spend this cooling off period in a legal separation.

AlexRyang said:

NTA. That’s disgusting behavior. At a minimum you both should do couples counseling, but in this case I would argue you do not owe him to participate in that. There is a gulf between being a homemaker and a trad wife.

Also, (maybe it is just me being younger, I am not sure? And maybe this is a bit off topic?) I personally dislike stay at home parents not having at some level, access to their own finances. Your contributions are just as valuable as his. I personally dislike the idea of a stay at home parent not having a separate IRA and some percentage of the household income that they get for themselves.

Starry-Eyed-Owl said:

NTA I get where hubby is coming from in that the joke spiraled out of control (social media and likes are addictive) but he stepped way over the line by taking pics without you knowing and posting them . Who knows who has seen your face on the internet. If he’s really actually into trad wife culture and he’s reading men are the head of the household crap then get out right now.

If he’s not reading that stuff but you don’t think his apologies are genuine or that he’s just saying what he thinks you want to hear but doesn’t mean it then certainly kick him to the curb rn.

That said, I would wait a few weeks before initiating anything in regards to divorce. Wait until you’ve calmed down and can talk out the situation - certainly kick him to the couch or spare room in the mean time. He could just be an idiot that got caught up on something stupid and he’s learned his lesson. You don’t want to make a decision when your so (rightfully) angry that may not be right for you in the long term.

The man is certainly an idiot but it could be something you can come back from - IF he understands how stupid what he did was and you believe him when he swears he’ll never do it again. Set all the boundries you need though and if he does anything similar again? Insta divorce IMO. Good luck!

Wereallgonnadieman said:

Just him posting your image without consent is enough to divorce him. The disrespect is just the icing on the cake.

Vivid-Finding-9719 said:

I agree about making sure you have an exit strategy. About your daughter: since she’s three she should be eligible for services through your school system. See what they offer her. With luck it will be a good preschool program. Many school districts offer programs that mix kids on the spectrum with regular kids, and it’s usually a good experience for both. Plus it will free you up for some part time work. There is no charge for autistic kids in these programs and it helps them get ready for school. Good luck to you.

Everyone was unanimously on OP's side for this one. What's your advice for this couple?

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