Woman warns MOM, 'I don't CARE what I did at your wedding to my stepdad, get solo therapy or I'm DONE with family therapy.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

When this daughter is fed up with her mother, she asks the internet:

"AITA for telling my mom if she doesn't listen to the family therapist and get solo therapy, I won't engage in family therapy going forward?"

My mom, stepdad Jim, who I'd normally say is my mom's husband, and I (16f) are in family therapy together. It started 8 months ago. My mom and Jim have been married since I was 10.

They have 2 kids together. My half brother is 5 and half sister is 2.5. My dad, who my mom was married to, died when I was 8.

The first therapist made no sense on anything and was even too much for my mom and Jim which says A LOT. Current therapist has been great in my opinion. She met with us all individually for a couple of appointments and then started working with us as a group.

I always knew my mom resented me for crying during her wedding. She has brought it up in therapy while not saying she holds it against me, her words say that she does. I hadn't been super happy about the wedding.

The wedding date was kept from me and from people in my dad's family so they visited that weekend and I couldn't see them, that made me sad, paired with the fact I was sad my mom was marrying someone else and paired with missing my dad, I cried a lot throughout that day.

My face was a mess in the photos because of it. She mentioned all those details very exactly so clearly it was something she has thought about a lot.

Jim thought we'd have a father/daughter relationship. He doesn't like that I don't want it. It drives him crazy that we can get along fine but I never want to go beyond that. He considers it more insulting that I don't hate him but still won't accept him as a parent or come to him like I would a parent.

I have mentioned how I don't want Jim to fill the role of dad in my life or primary father figure and if I want a more fatherly figure for something, I prefer going to my paternal relatives who make me feel like an extra connection to my dad.

I also confirmed that I don't want to have a relationship with Jim where he'll walk me down the aisle some day and I don't plan on joining him for father/daughter dances like he's invited me to before. I also confirmed my mom and Jim's suspicion that I don't feel close to my half siblings.

My mom brought up the wedding as well as my relationship with my half siblings a lot during sessions and mom fights back against the therapist when she tries to address it. She has said things like I should feel guilty for hurting her on her wedding day and causing so much trouble in the family we now have.

The therapist suggested mom and Jim should seek solo therapy. They refused. Mom was deeply offended and argued with both the therapist and me outside of therapy about it. The therapist has asked her why she's so hesitant to utilize solo therapy. Mom has really dug in her heels.

A week ago I told mom if she doesn't listen to the therapist and go to solo therapy, I won't engage in family therapy more because we're getting nowhere. She told me I did not get to decide and I did not get to tell her, the parent, what to do and she said therapy was my fault to begin with. AITA?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's see what readers had to say. Many of them offered advice:

capobvious7 writes:

Your mom did what a lot of people do. They try to get a replacement parent for the sake of the kids without taking the kids into consideration. I'm sure she is still grieving and might even feel guilty.

Going to solo therapy will probably tear open old wounds which she is probably very afraid of. Please bring this up in therapy and try to gently push your mom towards solo therapy, she needs it. I don't believe she has bad intentions but it seems like she is suffering from poor choices and decisions. NTA.

almalau writes:

NTA. Your mother sounds awful, and she's clearly not open to seeing where she went wrong/where she could have done better, so yeah, there's no point for you to attend family therapy if your mother isn't willing to put in the work on herself.

But I'd reconsider your attitude to your half siblings. They weren't involved in any of the decisions their parents made, just like you weren't asked when your mother remarried etc. Your half siblings are a lot younger than you are, barely/not even in school yet.

Why not try to invest in your relationship with them? After all, you share your mother with them and maybe they'd love to have a good relationship with you?

I imagine you can also benefit from a good relationship with them even though the are so small now and you might move out in a couple of years. At some point they will be teenagers and adults and you and your half siblings might end up getting on really well.

Sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to stay in touch with your father's family?

speciallyche9 writes:

Your mom doesn't have the faintest idea what therapy is. I think a lot of ppl throw it around as a concept, for getting the result they want. family therapy, where you're brainwashed into being a happy family.

It doesn't work that way. Good therapy just seeks out the root of the problem(s) and teaches individuals how to cope with those and be at peace / deal with situations.

If the family therapist advizes solo therapy for your mom and her husband, and they refuse, family therapy is just an expensive get-together with no point.

If you can't get out of it, just repeat the same anwers over and over again, and if there's something you're told to try / do / focus on, just be honest and say all the work has to be done within the session, because my family refused to do anything other than come here.

And I'm not going to be doing everything on my own. I don't have a problem. I'm perfectly fine with the way things are. I don't need more of a connection, or bond with anyone. I'm good.

Try to visit your paternal family more often. In less than 2 years, you'll be done with therapy and family, and you can go where you want.

I would personally just keep my head down, and make sure college payment is taken care of, before leaving permanently. But that's up to you. Find a college far away, so there's an excuse to not come 'home' often. If you have any paternal cousins, find out where they're going. NTA.

criems0 writes:

NTA. I do have two suggestions though. Before you decide to withdraw from family therapy, can you meet individually with the therapist again to discuss your decision?

I don’t know enough about family therapy to know if they’ll do that, but my thought is that it might be worth getting the therapist’s perspective on whether there is still value or benefit to you in proceeding even if your mom won’t get solo counseling.

If you still think there isn’t, by all means, stop going. But I’d hate for you to lose out on anything that might still help you while you’re still living with your mom and Jim.

I also think trying to get solo counseling for yourself in that event might be worthwhile. You seem pretty clear eyed and thoughtful about your family, but you’re also surrounded by some pretty shitty and dysfunctional dynamics, and having your own therapist might help you navigate that with less impact on you.

And now, OP's 1st update:

I wish my mom had really committed to the idea of therapy before going. She went with a goal in mind. She has not changed her goal even after being told it wasn't the end goal the therapist felt should be set.

I don't want to lose her but at the same time I know nothing can work between us while she holds all this resentment toward me. It's already poisoned our relationship badly enough.

I don't resent them. I love my mom. We're just not able to be close anymore. She deeply resents me. Her husband, I get along fine with, but I don't want him or need him to be my new dad. I don't see him as my new dad or want to try and have that relationship with him.

We get along better than my friends get along with their stepparents typically. But he wants it to be more. He signed up for more and now that he knows it won't happen he's clear that he regrets the marriage and stuff.

The relationship with my half siblings isn't bad. Just not close. I don't really have any connection or bond or love with them. But I don't hate them either. It reminds me of one of my friends and her brother. They're way closer in age but not close at all. They can talk and be civil/friendly and that's how I see my half siblings and me being.

Update 2:

dagah7 writes:

FYI. I wasn't trying to sabotage the wedding. I was upset. Like genuinely upset, sad, grieving, ,missing my dad, wanting things to be different. I never said I hate everyone. I love my mom. I'd like us to work things out.

I don't even hate Jim or the kids. I'm not interested in making him my dad. And the kids I never ever said I hated. I'm not close to them though. But that isn't the same as hating them.

Yep. It backfired badly because she still ended up with the nightmare she didn't want. She mentioned in therapy that keeping it from me and my paternal family was supposed to stop them showing up the weekend of the wedding and me wanting to be with them instead of attending the wedding.

She knew I'd want to be with them even if they weren't local though. So she thought just announcing the morning of that it was the wedding would change things. But it was so much worse. It was so much more upsetting too.