Woman warns SIL, 'Just because you were our surrogate doesn't mean you can STALK US!?' AITA? CREEPY UPDATE
When this new mom is creeped out by her SIL/surrogate, she asks the internet:
"AITA for telling my SIL to get t F out of my house?"
I, 21F, and my husband, 22M, James, have a beautiful daughter, 1y, and another child on the way. For context, my family and I live with James’ family (mom, Justine 43, brother, Liam 19, and grandmother, Kris 59), after we had some major financial struggles back in 2022.
They offered for us to live with them, to help us build our money back up and also help us raise our two children. We took the offer, and since then, everything has been very amazing since we moved in.
Liam has a girlfriend, Laura 18, and since she found out we were having our second child, has been very overbearing. We’ve had many issues in the past when it comes to her and our first child, and now, James and I are anticipating that it’ll be that way again.
I understand the excitement of a new baby, but the way she shows it… I’ll be the first to say, is a little stalker-ish/weird. She constantly messages me with one of the following: wanting bump photos to show random people I do NOT know (her teachers, friends, etc)...
updates on how many days till my planned c-section, or asking me intimate details about DR appointments (many of which I never told her about). In person, she will talk to my stomach, saying “auntie’s baby”, “my gorgeous little baby”, or something similar.
When we told everyone that we weren’t doing a gender reveal/baby shower, she was the most upset over the entire thing, saying that “she wanted to plan it” and that “she was so excited to have people together”.
Recently, Laura and I had an argument that led in a fallout between everyone. The event that caused this, was when Laura forced my daughter to come with her from Justine’s room...
(when my daughter wanted to stay with her nana) and my daughter had a breath-holding spell (started because she was forced to do something she didn’t want to), leading to Laura holding her in a hug and blowing in her face to try and get her to breathe.
My daughter didn’t breathe for over 15 seconds, and the reason myself and James were so upset was because Laura refused to bring my daughter to me like I asked;
Laura claimed she wanted to “show my daughter that she was kind” and that “auntie cares about HER baby”, which this was absolutely not how to attempt that. Like I said, this led to an argument that caused me to tell Laura to get the f- out, and to stop using our children as her little “surrogate babies”, as she has no kids of her own.
Liam and Justine are upset with me and James for “overreacting”, on top of some members of her family messaging me to say that I am an a-hole for treating her the way I did.
Kris is 100% supportive of what I did and says she would have done the same thing if she was in my position. I have not spoken to her since the incident, and we both are trying to figure out a way to address this.
AITA for this? Any opinions or advice would be very much appreciated.
Before we give you OP's major update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
hardtyrannicdino writes:
NTA. Laura definitely needs stronger boundaries set. I'd suggest that consider making your next step be to shut down the whole "auntie" thing. And I say that as a parent whose spouse has two close friends that we use that term when referring to them with our kids. But that was a title that we bestowed. They did not claim it themselves.
Where here, you don't say it, but it sounds like she bestowed it upon herself. It so, shut it down. Go full "All the garbage compactors on the detention level" shut down.
She is not their "auntie", she's BILs GF. He may think this relationship is serious and long term, but you don't have to put up with her claiming a kinship that isn't there. He may not like it. She definitely won't like it. But it's not up to them.
One reason I suggest this is that this whole "auntie" business is likely part and parcel with the root of the boundary stomping. She's claimed the title, and probably has a whole exagerated notion of what it means.
Disabusing her of her claim will help emphasize that she is, in the eyes of you and your husband, nothing mors or less than the girl BIL happens to be dating. Get ger straightened out there and it should become easier to straighten her out on other issues.
Also, keep in mind that even if she does end up marrying BIL, that will make her your kids aunt. Doesn't mean she'll have earned being an "auntie". They are, imo, not the same.
"Aunt" is the formal relationship of family connection. "Auntie" is an indicator of a close personal bond, as much between the parents and the "auntie" as anything with the child (more really). That latter relationship is clearly not there.
sayhearder writes:
NTA. Mom of three and frankly if anything you're all underreacting. Laura is not a safe person to be around your children.
Anyone who refuses to give you your child when you tell them to (asking isn't even necessary, it's YOUR child) is not a safe person. Anyone who uses physical force on your child, especially without your consent, is not a safe person.
(Yes, there are exceptions. Laura's behavior fits into no sane exceptions.)
Laura is at best immature and entitled, but she has had the rules explained to her multiple times and continues to choose to think she should be an exception to them. Seeing as she is not four years old, that means she is not a safe person to be around your children.
Shift things a little. If this were a fifty year old man instead of an eighteen year old woman, would you be less horrified? More horrified? Just as horrified? If this were someone you didn't know at all, would it be suddenly okay behavior?
What I'm trying to point out is, Laura has a pattern of behavior which is not acceptable and is not safe - physically or emotionally - for your child, and she is being enabled by Liam and Justine.
All of them are in the wrong. You are not. They need to not be around your child (and definitely not without you being quite literally within arms' reach of your child) until they get with the program.
palecranberry7 writes:
NTA. This girl is disturbed as heck. I'd be concerned if I were you.
You're in a delicate position since your in-laws are keeping you afloat, but you and your husband need to talk with his parents about that she's creeping you out. Hopefully they'll back you up, but it's possible they won't risk being estranged from Liam if he feels they come as a package deal.
Make sure everyone caretaking your daughter, from family to childcare workers, knows this psycho is not allowed to take her, just in case. She makes me very nervous. If your in-laws don't agree, you need to get out of there immediately, no matter how hard it will be financially.
This girlfriend who might not even go the distance with Liam needs to be no contact with your children. I don't care how many problems that unfortunately might cause for your husband and in-laws.
throwaway7 writes:
NTA I hope you are not giving her baby bump pictures and giving her all that information. It isn't healthy. Neither is forcibly removing your child from a room and forcibly hugging her etc. Sounds like she is causing your child anxiety. She needs to go on a time out.
And now, OP's major update, 9 months later:
It has been about a year since I made my original post, and after lots of messages asking for an update, I decided to give it a go!
Since my original post, it took about a month to two months for us to all talk again, after the incident happened. My brother-in-law had a 3 hour conversation with her before they both came to our house to speak with us, and there was a major difference in her behavior, right off the bat.
Not only did she apologize to me and my husband for what happened, but she apologized for everything that she had done within the few years I have known her. We made a group decision to go low contact with her for a little while, and got back into contact with her shortly after we had our second child, and things have been fairly decent since then.
However, that is not to say that everything has been great. My husband and I have been making decisions about our lives moving forward when we move into our own place this coming spring.
There will be very minimum contact between my husband and his family, which we know will be beneficial for us, our family, our mental healths, etc. It is a lot that I frankly shouldn’t get into, so I can leave it at that.
I want to thank everyone for their advice, some genuine and some not so genuine. I know this probably wasn’t the update wanted, but it is what I have to give. Thank you all for listening!
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's update:
catmocatmo writes:
I remember when my friend had her first child. He was about 6 months when he was throwing a fit, held his breath, and passed out cold for the first time. It was HORRIFYING. She was so scared. An ambulance was called, crying ensued, it was intense.
I was at her house one time - at this point her second child was about a year. We were mid conversation when her daughter did the same thing.
Except this time, my friend paused, laid her kid down in front of us on the ground (on her side) and then continued talking to me. Her daughter came-to about 30 seconds later, got up, and went to play. It was…really something.
As it turns out, some kids just do this. Both of hers did this anytime a severe tantrum or panic (from an injury, bad dream, etc.) occurred. Pediatrician was completely not concerned and said it’s actually quite common. When I had my own a few years later, I was prepared, but also worried my kids would do the same.
As it turns out, I got “lucky”. Instead of passing out, both of mine will, without warning, projectile vomit anytime they get worked up. It’s great. Scraped knee? Vomit. Bad dream? Vomit. Didn’t get the right colored plate? Vomit. Good times. 0/10 recommend.
witchwaste writes:
Just throwing in here that I feel for people who's kids also get breath holding spells. Its terrifying. We also called an ambulance the first time our son had one. He seemed just as scared as we were.
His face and lips went blue and after flailing in my arms desperate to breathe he went unconscious. Its important to note that these spells are involuntary to the child. Being scared or upset messes up their breathing and heartbeat rhythm and it basically causes a glitch in the system.
To quote Mt. Sinai's page "Some children have breath-holding spells. This is an involuntary stop in breathing that is not in the child's control. Breath-holding spells most often occur when a child becomes suddenly upset or surprised.
The child makes a short gasp, exhales, and stops breathing. The child's nervous system slows the heart rate and breathing"
Thankfully by the time my second was born i was well aquainted with them and while the rest of my family were in an absolute panic after a balloon popping triggered one i just cradled him and blew in his face (as always recommended by our pediatrician) and it snapped him out of it.
Sometimes the only way for them to reset is to go unconscious. Thank christ they outgrow it.