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Woman who was an affair baby refuses to meet with half sister, 'I don't deserve that honor.' UPDATED

Woman who was an affair baby refuses to meet with half sister, 'I don't deserve that honor.' UPDATED

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"AITA for refusing to meet with my half sister because 'I don't deserve that honor?'"

I (24F) am an affair baby. My father (75M) had me with my mother (60F) while still being married to someone else, then divorced with his first wife when I was four and married my mom two years later. Because of the age gap and the general mess of the situation I never truly had any relationships with my father's side of the family.

For them I was just an unexpected person to exist, which I am totally okay with, since I have a great loving family on my mother's side anyway. So since my birth, we have settled this lovely mutual agreement, where they pretend I don't exist and I forget that my father is not an orphan. Lovely.

The only person who decided to break this mutual indifference pact was my half sister (55F). I probably also need to mention that my father was somewhat wealthy when he started dating my mother. He had already provided well for his eldest daughter: paid for her education, helped her to get a decent job in a law firm and bought her a large apartment.

So my sister was extremely unhappy with my birth, since for her it meant that some of my dad's money will now flow the other direction (not my petty words btw, she said that to my mother). And not only that, according to my mother's words, confirmed by my father and grandparents, she had been harassing my mom throughout her entire very complicated pregnancy, to the extent that my mother ended up in a hospital.

My sister then found a way to call her even there and wished she had a miscarriage. The last time when she and my mother met she said I am worthless and don't deserve "the honor" of being called her sister, and she would rather give everything up to charity than let me inherit something from her (she was single and childless then and still is now).

As from my own memories, I have seen her probably only three-four times as a kid, and got a few "presents" from her as a teenager (some her hideous old clothes she didn't want to wear anymore. She decided it would be hilarious to just send it to my mother in a garbage bag, so I donated it to charity upon her forgotten wishes).

The funny thing is that even though my mother was accused of gold-digging, my father had an accident and retired soon after their marriage, so she was the one who provided for me and gave me the future. Now I live in another country with my soon-to-be husband, studying and all in all doing okay.

I was supposed to visit my family next week when my father unexpectedly called me (he never does that). Upon a very awkward conversation I received this information: Even though agreeing to cut contacts, my father began talking with his eldest daughter a few years ago.

He systematically updated her on my life. Since she learned I am doing okay and am soon to start my own family she suddenly expressed desire to meet me. She has no family on her own and that somehow made her value our sister(?) bond more.

I kindly rejected that offer and said I would rather not. Then followed 20 minutes of a pointless conversation with such arguments as "I am becoming older and want my children to reconcile", "she was young and stupid, now she regrets", etc, etc. When I reminded him that she basically harassed my mother and wished me dead, he called me out for being "vengeful" towards my sis and said he taught me better.

I then said that I don't think I deserve the honor of meeting her, and don't seek to earn that honor, and he hung up on me. I know my father is an old man who doesn't want any drama. However, my mother is the sweetest person alive and a mere thought that someone in a right mind could harass her to the point she was at hospital makes me sick. I don't have any interest in this "sister bonding bs" and I don't care what she has to say. So AITA for not even giving her a "chance" to speak with me?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

churchofdan said:

NTA Sounds like she wants to reach out for selfish reasons and wants you to just roll over and pretend she hasn't hated you your entire life. Even though her anger is misdirected, you seem to understand why people might scapegoat you as the living embodiment of the death of their family.

But harassing someone into the hospital and then finding a way to continue that in the hospital is a bridge too far. I'm not a strong math guy, but if you're 24 and she's 55, then she was 31 when she did this to your mother. She wasn't some middle schooler, she was an adult over 30. Young and stupid indeed...

ChakraMama318 said:

NTA-She gets to have feelings about her dad cheating on her mom. If it had been me, I would have raised hell. But she crossed the line when she actively took it out on a pregnant woman and became vengeful towards you.

Your dad was in the wrong for ever agreeing to cut himself off from his child for the sake of someone else. Let’s be clear about that. You and your mom never ever needed to have contact with her, but he is still her parent. It was on him to create healthy boundaries for everyone in this situation and he failed.

OpenlyAMoose said:

I mean, NTA that you don't want to deal with your half-sister. But, like, none of this sounds like you were present for the misbehavior on her part. If that's the case, every source of information you have is deeply biased and either shown to be unreliable (parents) or not a primary source (grandparents). I can't fathom looking at those sources and going "Yup, this seems like a reliable source of information on the subject."

I understand you have affection for your parents, but you can love them and also know that they are not great people. Your father is a coward, a liar, and a cheat. Your mother is a cheat who married a coward, liar, and cheat and then made him cut off his child. It's not a huge stretch to think that she's also a liar. "I wish you wouldn't have gotten pregnant" being twisted into "I hope you have a miscarriage" is entirely in keeping with the level of ahole your parents have displayed.

You are the ahole if you continue to pretend that your parents are anything other than what they are. They could've been fantastic parents to you and still be aholes. Pretending that your mother and father "should not be judged" is frankly a cop-out.

SassyQueeny said:

“My mother is the sweetest person alive” … so funny to describe your mother like this when she had an affair with a married man and destroyed your HS family. She didn’t have a brief relationship that resulted to a pregnancy. She got pregnant and continued the affair for 4 more years. So including the pregnancy she was having an affair for at least 5y and you don’t say how many before.

Your HS had all the rights to feel betrayed from both your father and your mother. She was pregnant while he was married to HER mother. Have you ever thought how your mother’s actions affected HER mother? You complain about how she treated your mother but you don’t take a moment to think how her actions destroyed other people. I am not saying your father is a saint but you offer limited info about him so there is nothing to say except he is a sh$tty human person. If you are not happy in your marriage DIVORCE don’t be a d#ck.

Your HS maybe had a come to Jesus moment maybe there is malice behind her wanting to meet you. My opinion is let her talk. Maybe you will find out more things about your “sweet mother” and your “great father” because I bet you a lot of things were hushed, there is a reason his whole family doesn’t speak to them. You are not obligated to forgive her or create a relationship, but MAYBE she is not the evil person everyone makes her to be.

2021disaster said:

You may not technically be but your Mom and Dad are for sureand your defense of them with total disregard for what your half sister was going through as a result of their affair makes me go with YTA. You’re relying on your trash parents version of events (your sweet mom broke up a family, I’m sure all the stories from her and those who want to be blameless are totally unbiased lol) and ignoring your half sister was very young.

Timely_Tie3496 said:

Sister is a complete AH but I find “my mom to be the sweetest person alive” to be complete BS. You are getting married but apparently not older enough to know having an affair with a married man knowingly while he has a family and getting pregnant does not put you in the “sweetest person alive” category.

I don’t know that sweet people have long standing affairs with married men who have families and then get pregnant. How long was this sweet woman sleeping with a married man? How long was she a knowing AP? I am assuming she got pregnant while knowing he had a family. She systematically helped break down a marriage and a family.

The sweetest woman alive slept with a married man, got pregnant and then married him after he divorced his wife. Sorry no one should wish a miscarriage on anyone but your mother is a POS.

NTA but your father is an AH for having an affair and getting his AP pregnant while still being married. Your sister is an AH because instead of dealing with her feelings and grief through counseling if needed she became extremely toxic as well.

Aberrantkitten said:

NTA - but you are incredibly cavalier about the wreckage of the affair on your dad’s prior family. You mom is the “sweetest person alive” to you but she’s also a mistress who broke up a family and married the guy after having an affair baby. Girl, she IS.

While I’d never wish death on anyone, I absolutely would hate your mom if I were your sister. You don’t want a relationship, that’s more than fine. But don’t pretend you don’t understand the reason behind the hate. You’re more than just “an unexpected person to exist." Also, your mom made your dad cut off your sister? That’s so fucked up. And he did it? Also super f'ed up. Neither of your parents are the great people you think they are.

UPDATE:

First, those who addressed the issue I was asking about (me and my sis being total strangers with her resenting me even before my birth and suddenly wanting to meet), thank you for your feedback. You are the most appreciated of all. I'm not that good at dealing with someone trying to do the "speedrun" to my personal space, so I really wanted to know if I'm overreacting.

Sometimes it's hard to judge, especially because I don't actually know sis apart from her being a "huge fan" of my being born. As far as I know, not the most pleasant person to be around, but have 0 desire to test this personally. As for my mother's infidelity...many people were not happy with the "sweetest person" part and even less with my further explaining, which I find absolutely understandable.

Many of you were polite and respectful in your argumentation, so thank you for that. Actually, upon reading my own answers the next day without context, I can see why so many people were confident that I am trying to do "black and white" here. I don't actually think it is necessary to have a huge discussion, since it is not he main point of my post anyway. But for those who were respectful to me, I wanted to make my only and last point here.

My position on that matter is NOT that cheating is totally okay since it is my mum who did the nasty and/or she wasn't the first mistress to my father. Can get a little defensive on that, I know. But don't blame me, blame the flashbacks from my childhood when I constantly heard all the things you wrote from my father's friends XD sorry kidding, but not really.

My position is that I have decided to refrain from judging my mother on that. In other words, not approving like "heeeey my pops is a cheater anyway so it is totally okay to sleep with him then." It is rather "I don't think it is my place to shame my mother; she made a decision and faced the consequences, I leave that to her and I won't let this impact our relationship." That's it.

You may not agree with my point of view, and it's fine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. And I'm entitled to my own perspective also. And the perspective is...I saw only kindness and love from her. This is my way of showing love and kindness back. Please be respectful.

For those who actually insulted my mother or me by calling names and wishing me being cheated on to "get the feeling"...I hope people you love never make any mistakes. Oh boy you would let them know they are not worthy of anything anymore.

Now to the actual UPDATE. Actually not that much to update about. My father had a brilliant idea of asking my mother to "persuade" me and now it is a huge sh#t show. My mother crying on Skype and asking me if meeting my "sister" is something I truly want, me explaining that I don't give a flying f about her, my father screaming on my mother that it is "her upbringing"...fun. Oh, he also said he had given her my number so we could "settle things as adults", so now I am even more irritated. Due to some issues with my residence renewal I often have to pick up from unknown numbers. Have to give attention to the country code before picking from now on...

The first Skype call was a disaster, then when my father went outside to smoke, my mum called me again and I asked her about "no contact" thing. Mum explained that she was indeed against my sister being anywhere near me, because she was scared of her hating me so much and couldn't trust her. However, she said she never actually forbade my father talking to her, she just wanted it to be "away from our house and our lives."

And that he tried for some time, when I was a kid, to see her occasionally, but then the car accident happened and sis never ever called him or visited him in the hospital. This made him so frustrated that he went full "no contact" mode himself. I then asked her does she have any idea of what sis could possibly want from me, but she had no clue. So that's what it is now.

Here's what top commenters had to say after the update:

Veredyn1 said:

Personally, just tell her to text you, be short and don't engage. She can't meet you, you don't have a "bond," so just be straight with her. "You never liked me, wished me harm and could never have my best interest at heart. What do you want now?". Short, sweet, to the point. Good luck.

Visible_Suit3393 said:

Cheating is bad, but cheating with someone around your daughter's age and getting her pregnant is a gift that just keeps giving. For decades, if not generational. Everybody, except OP, and to a certain point, her half-sister, are trash. Yes, you can be the most perfect mother to an illegitimate child via infidelity, and still be trash. Same for her father, just because he was a great father to her, doesn't make him any less trash, especially toward his ex-wife and their kids.

OP hasn't yet noticed, but slowly is realizing it's just her turn for her father to prove that he's trash by his attempts for OP and his eldest daughter to reconcile. You must, at a minimum, have at least a friendly relationship to reconcile. There is nothing to save, when nothing has existed up to this point.

I think her father is dealing with his own mortality, and he thinks he still has a chance to get into heaven if, and only if, he fixes OP and eldest daughter's relationship. He was selfish cheater when he cheated and got OP's mom pregnant, he was a selfish father, and took that to another level when he put zero effort into establishing a relationship between OP and her half-sister, he has been a selfish man his whole life, and will take his last breath to the grave as a selfish trashy man.

The only reason he's doing all this, the only reason a fire has been set under his butt regarding this now is he's feeling the heat from his upcoming trip to hell. OP what would you tell a future daughter if your husband in the future places her in the shoes of your half-sister?

Would you judge her to the degree you have and are judging your half-sister? I'm not exusing your half-sister's behavior all these years, but I get it. Step out of your shoes, and place yourself in her shoes, from the very beginning of this mess. Honestly, do you really think your reaction would have been much different?

It might be best to just drop the rope, and just try to do better for your kids than your mom and dad did for you. Nothing wrong with that, nothing at all. In the future, when you visit your dear departed father's grave, I say bring and leave a bottle of water. I've heard you can get quite thirsty where he is heading.

Extension_Camel_3844 said:

Sometimes, as we get older, we see our parents for what they really are, or what they really did that we may have viewed much differently as a child. Maybe I'm being naive, but is there even the slightest chance that she's trying to get to know you now? That she really wants to build a relationship from scratch?

Will it really hurt you to hear her side? I think it will hurt your more in the long run if you don't. Don't make decisions with only one side of the story. Currently, that's all you've got. I bet she was pretty angry when she found out about you. No doubt. Rightly so. As you would have been in her shoes.

Kids are often used as weapons and pitted against each other for the parents benefit. Let her text you, start with getting to know each other that way. Texts don't require an immediate answer and will give you time to properly form your thoughts before responding when needed. I wish you both the best and hope you give her a chance. Just as the affair wasn't your fault, it wasn't hers either.

She had her own aftermath to have to deal with in that regard as well. I just think you're allowing your anger at her childhood/teen anger to overtake the current situation. Flip the story and be her and look back at all that happened. Would you have been angry? Would you have resented or been angry about a baby from someone who was not your mother that took your father away from you or broke up your family?

Zephyr9x said:

You don't necessarily owe it to your sister to get in touch with her right now, but at the very least you do owe it to yourself to start looking objectively at your parents as the flawed people they are, rather than the rose-tinted glasses you prefer to keep viewing them through.

That being said, I do think your sister was objectively a victim in the circumstance surrounding your birth, and it isn't weird that she was traumatized by all of it. At that time could've even seen you as one of the people involved in that betrayal. An irrational response to be sure, but she also put in a wildly irrational situation by the man who was meant to take care of her.

26 years onwards, however, and it's likely that she has been able to disentangle those negative emotions - to the point of simply seeing you as your own person, not someone who automatically inherits the sins of their parents. If sister has truly put in the work to grow as a person since then, just giving her a chance would hardly be the worst thing in the world.

twopont0 said:

All of you are awful expect your half sister

-Your dad for the affair and jumping to your mom bed before fixing things with his dughter

-Your mom for choosing to help your dad cheat and for making it hard for your dad to meet his daughter

-You for downplaying your sister trauma and your parents choice(yes cheating is a choice not a mistake)

If anything your sister is a victim for both of your parents, I hope she finds peace.

The opinions were fairly divided for this one, but most people felt that everyone was in the wrong except for OP's half sister. What's your advice for this family?

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