'AITA for refusing to kiss my partner unless he's clean shaven?'
"AITA for refusing to kiss my partner unless he's clean shaven?"
My fiance sometimes falls behind on shaving his beard, which wouldn't be an issue if it didn't smell. I'm not kidding - the smell is terrible and has been so bad at times that I questioned him if he had stepped in dog shit, only to end a frantic sniff search by realising its his beard. Every. Time.
I have asked him to wash his face more thoroughly if he is going to keep his beard, and even bought him his own facial cleanser, but unless I physically come in and scrub his face myself it always smells like shit - literal fe&es.
I tried every lighthearted approach to address the issue; asking him if he snacked on dog crap, telling him we should have a face washing contest and offering him a spa night experience before I finally just accepted the issue was getting out of hand and told him to either shave it off or start washing it properly.
He is frustrated and insists he washes it properly, I can smell that he hasn't, and as a result I have refused to kiss him or be in close proximity of his beard unless it's shaven. This is quite possibly the dumbest dispute we have had in our entire relationship, but regardless AIBTA?
EDIT: I can't believe I have to put this in here, but no. I am not going to break up and leave my partner because his beard is stinky - I don't even know why some of you jump to that solution. Regardless, the majority opinion is evident (I am not TA), and after showing him he has accepted that a trip to the derm is in order and to keep his beard shaved until the issue is resolved.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
notipswana writes:
NTA If when you wash it for him, he doesn't smell AND the smell stays away for a reasonable amount of time, then I agree it's a thoroughness issue. If it quickly becomes smelly no matter who washes his face, then he needs to see a dermatologist, because I can't think of any reason this would be happening.
Even when I get lazy and go a day or day and a half without washing my face, it gets oily sure, but there's no smell. Granted, I don't grow a beard as a woman, but even if I did, I imagine it would just smell like unwashed hair, not feces. Unless maybe he's getting food in the beard, and it's sitting there...? Idk maybe some bearded people can weigh in.
When I wash it the smell does go away, but it quickly returns. He's prone to cold sores in the area the smells PARTICULARLY terrible so I'm thinking we may need to go see a dermatologist, because it feels like it's a thoroughness issue AND possibly a skin issue.
dgah writes:
YTA. If you're concerned about why this is happening, then that should be the conversation, not lightheartedly telling him he smells like shit. Not face washing contests. Not asking him if he's eaten dog shit.
Of course you have the right to kiss him or not, but it feels like you're more interested in shaming him into shaving, rather than fixing the problem. Yes, I admit I could be way off, but this is how it's coming across to me.
Also, put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if he suddenly started joking about how your v@ smells like shit, and asking if you've been using dog shit as a dildo, and demanding you shave. If he was really concerned about it, wouldn't you want him to approach it differently? Just food for thought.
artsssss writes:
NTA. My daughter has oily hair that gets really smelly if she doesn’t wash it at least every other day. I’ve been hesitant to actually tell her because she’s 16 and super sensitive, but I also don’t have to make out with her head.
I can see how your husband’s feelings might be hurt, but it’s not your fault that the smell that clings to his beard makes you feel sick, and you shouldn’t have to deal with that when you want to be intimate.
NTA. He should probably consult a dermatologist, but if the smell is gone when YOU wash his face, but not when he does it then it is likely a lack of thoroughness on his part. Also does he drool in his sleep or have sleep apnea? I had a similar issue until I started using my CPAP machine. Beard oil is also a good solution too.
It is suspected he has sleep apnea, so this might be something I'll look into. At this point I'm willing to drop the money on a CPAP machine if it gets rid of the smell.
If he has sleep apnea there are a lot more symptoms than a smelly beard like being tired all the time. I have sleep apnea and when it wasn't treated I would sleep 12 hours per night and still be in danger of falling asleep at work. I'd usually come home and would sleep for an hour or two in the afternoon to be able to stay up until like 9pm.
He was suspected for sleep apnea because his loud irregular breathing/snoring at night and because of constant fatigue. We kept meaning to get him booked at the doctor to get it looked into but never got round to it, will probably chase it up now though and address every potentially problem