My (27F) family has always been tightknit. We have a family group chat where my parents, three sisters, and brother + sister-in-law send updates to each other since we don't live very close.
When I got married to my husband (27M) in 2020, my parents sat me down and told me that my older sister (28F) was feeling down because I was getting married before her and that they wouldn't be talking at all about my upcoming wedding at all when she was around.
The day of my wedding, she barely looked at me, and my mom comforted her most of the day. I had a beautiful day with my husband and those who wanted to celebrate with us, but it was difficult to be ignored by my sister, who was my best friend growing up. I had hoped she would feel happy for me, and that my mom would have wanted to celebrate with us.
It's now 2023, and for the last few years, I've been working a decent job, but it's not related to the field I graduated in or anything I'm passionate about. I've been interviewing for a position I'm very excited for over the last few weeks, and just received word yesterday that I got the job.
My husband took me out to dinner and we celebrated together. I called my mom to tell her the news, and she was happy. But she was quick to remind me that my brother has been out of work for nearly a year, and has been struggling to find work to support his wife and their young daughter.
She said that it would be a bit selfish to boast about it while they're in the midst of unemployment. I understand that and would never want to rub it in their faces, but finally kickstarting my career is something I've hoped for and worked towards for a long time while the job market has been difficult for recent graduates.
This morning, I woke up to a text in the group chat from my mom that my younger sister had been accepted into an RN program. I'm so proud of her, but I couldn't help but see the double standard. Why is it me that's selfish for wanting to mention that I accomplished something important to me?
My husband celebrates me (he's not one to make big announcements to our families, which I've never minded) and always makes sure I feel loved and appreciated, so I feel a bit stupid for feeling this way about my family's reaction to my accomplishments.
I'm tempted to send something in the family group chat on my first day at my new job, just to say that I'm starting a new job and that I'm excited. Would that be wrong of me?
It does seem a bit double standard heavy. Standing up against this may have a negative reaction, but you can ask the question: why should you have to hide your good news when they don't? NTA. Good luck with the new job.
Since your mom broke her own rule, go ahead and send your news to the group chat. Time to get to the bottom of this double standard of Mom's. NTA Please do it! And congratulations!
OP, NTA. Personally, I would skip telling parents anything first and go directly to the group chat with any news moving forward. If your mom wants to play "news police" she can do it out in the open in front of everyone. I wonder if the other siblings feel more her way (meaning be careful jot to hurt others with your good things) or more your way (share the celebrations so everyone has a bright spot in their day).
NTA- ignore your mother and celebrate yourself. Post about your accomplishments online, throw yourself a party. Ignoring the jealousy and living your best life is the best way to deal with your family’s double standards.
NTA. For whatever reason your Mother and sister have decided your accomplishments are not important to them. Get out of the family group chat, post whatever you want in your own social media accounts. If your brother and sister are too fragile to be exposed to your accomplishments they can unfollow you. Congratulations on your new job!
Stand up for yourself and post all you want. Your mom is wrong to make you hide your achievements.