This situation is just so strange and uncomfortable, and wherever I turn to support, I always get brushed off with "it's not a big deal" or "well, he just asked" and I lack any real support or validation. I can't go to my parents, so I'm hoping a bunch of strangers on Reddit might offer more help than my social circle did so far.
I (28F) and my fiancé 'John' (28M) have been together for, as the title says, about five years. To understand the dilemma, I need to give you some background; we both came from very religious backgrounds, though it affected both of us very differently.
John became a 'problem child' - running away, causing problems, and eventually finding a crowd his parents would not approve of. Most of the members of this group were a part of the LGBTQ+, smoked p@t, engaged in protests and were either atheist, or practiced different religion.
Although some of the members since have left, this crowd became his current friend group. I won't go into details about each and every one of them, but the main 'ringleaders' are 'Alex' (35NB) and 'Avery' (33M).
From what I understand, they 'collected damaged people' (as John jokingly said one day) and let them couch-surf when things got rough. Alex is some sort of a nepo baby and Avery works in IT, or something like that. John met them when he was 15.
At first, I thought they seemed very cool and couldn't wait to meet them since John equated their relationship to that of a child and a parent, so clearly very important people in his life. But when I finally met them (when we were 21, and in college and home for the summer break), the meeting left me a bit disillusioned.
Alex was catty and had snide remarks since I wasn't LGBTQ+ or anything, at most bi-curi@us, and Avery treated me like a child, but John said they always need to 'break new people in', so I tried to think positive and did my best to impress them with what I was studying and what my plans for the future are, both regarding me personally and my relationship. But the more I talked, the more they seemed to disapprove of me.
Despite the strange meeting, John seemed ecstatic to see them again, and gushed about how much they liked me, so I kept my mouth shut and just nodded along. Now, to understand a bit deeper on who Alex and Avery are; in the town they live in, they're something like local celebrities.
Very spiritual, their home is full of souvenirs they accumulated over all their travels, are also 'married', but their definition of marriage is very different from the traditional one; apparently, they went to some tropical state and took some hallucinogens together, and in their state, they proclaimed everlasting love for one another.
Quite a wild concept for someone like me, but I learned to be more open-minded since I left for college.
That being said, they also said that they can see 'auras', whatever that is, and apparently love my fiancé's. I don't know what they think of mine, but it probably isn't much.
Which brings us to the topic I came here with; last week, after we got home from work, John sat me down and asked me what I think about being in a polygamous relationship. He said he loves me so, so much, more than is possible, and doesn't know what to do with the rest of it, thinking that it's fair to give it to someone else.
I, on the other hand, don't have a limit on how much I can love him, so I said no, and that was that. However, the question has been plaguing my mind ever since.
If you knew John just a fraction, you'd know he researches about things long before he actually commits to anything; any lifestyle or relationship changes, whatever. This makes me think that he has already thought about it for a while, and that he also consulted Alex and/or Avery about this.
I don't want to villainize them, but I know, for a fact, they're not in a monogamous relationship, and they clearly don't like me as the rest of their little group. Again, I don't want to point fingers, and I won't ask John to show me his messages with them unless I have solid proof that isn't just a gut feeling, but I just have this horrible feeling that they, somehow, pulled in John.
There's no way he just thought about it suddenly on his own; five years of relationship, and the idea of non-monogamy was never brought up, and now suddenly, just as we're about to be married, he brings this up? I don't buy it one bit, but I can't just go ahead and confront them now, can I?
I just don't know what to do. I feel stuck. At home, I pretend everything is fine since my group of close friends told me that I'm just overthinking, and I believed it for a while, but whenever I look at John, all I can think of is; 'he thinks there's a cap on how much he can love me, and he wants to love someone else'.
I want to deal with this, but I don't know how. If I bring it up with John, he'll just brush it off as well, or he'll think I'm cheating or don't trust his friends. I worked hard to get their approval, and I know for a fact John shares everything with them; he wouldn't keep this for himself.
I just hope that someone here can give me pointers on how to proceed. Thanks.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
degenerate-titilicker
If you don't swing that way then end it. It'll only get worse once you're married. This is not something you can compromise on... He wants to f other people while you do not.
OOP: God, the idea of ending our relationship is so scary. I feel like I built my entire life since leaving for college around him, and if we separate, I worried I'm going to fall apart... but I understand where you're coming from, I need more time to process the reality of it all.
whygodwhy94: Don't let them brainwash you. There are plenty of cases where people are pulled into someone else's lifestyle and then randomly dropped. It will leave you wondering who you even are. I've been there and it ruined me. What happens if you drink the kool-aid and they reject you later?
It's hard to come back from that. And I'm not saying this as a matter based solely on sexual preference either. New age mumbo jumbo or "auras" mixed with radical changes in sexual interest can really f a person up.
A lot of people like this function almost like a give mind or the popular clique in highschool. If you already feel like you're being pushed away from the group, and now he's making this request, it's a bad sign.
Also the idea of him having "so much love" that it's unfair to only give it to you is a horrible cop-out and a very common excuse people use when trying to convince they're SO to try poly or open. It's often used to guilt people. It's almost like he's suggesting that you are greedy for wanting to keep your relationship personal and exclusive.
I'd just say be careful. I don't want you to end up hurt like I was. Dedicating yourself to one person while their character and lifestyle is completely changing can end up with you getting hurt bad.
If he is sincerely changing in this way, I'd be worried about how much you invest in him.
I only say this because i was fully invested in my ex and she started hanging out with a group of college friends more frequently towards the end. One day we got into a small argument over parking and it ended with her saying she wasn't certain what se% she was attracted to anymore and wasn't sure if she was even female anymore and that we had to end things.
Now, I would've been fine with helping them figure themself out, but for her it kind of just became her excuse to break up with me.
I think it was more about her/them wanting to have fun and was influenced by her group of friends all being single or experimenting who all "came out" around the same time. I think she saw them having fun and felt fomo tbh.
So to her, she was getting her chance to catch up on fun she may have missed out on being in a relationship. To me, it was losing a peace of myself that I invested years of love into.
OOP: I'm really sorry you had to go through that. I really hope John isn't using this as a maneuvering tactic to get out of the relationship or a chance to catch up. It doesn't sound like him, but I'll keep this in mind.
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the nice replies and genuine advice you've offered. Not to sound cliché, but I didn't expect over a hundred comments and some nice DMs. I'm sorry I didn't respond much, the whole situation was kind of emotionally draining.
I figured I'd update when something major happens, and I think this is it. But before I get ahead of myself, let me fill in some blanks in my story.
Me and John came from similar backgrounds, but my family was a bit less strict, allowing me to go to college since I had great grades - the plan for me was to move back after getting a degree, finding a job, a husband, and living the 'traditional' life, which, obviously, didn't happen because I met John, who literally changed the trajectory of my life.
After a year, I switched from my first major to one I liked more and it's been a while since I contacted my parents. They didn't approve, of course, but with John's help, I didn't give in to their demands to come back. Now they know I'm getting married and are invited, but the last time we spoke was about two months ago. John is completely no contact with his parents since eighteen.
I didn't talk about the friend group in more detail at first since I didn't think they were that important, but they do like me - at first, they were obviously a bit unsure since to them, I was a cishet white-passing woman, but they warm up to me and I'm proud to call them my friends.
The only people who didn't fully accept me are Avery and Alex, and since me and John got together officially, they tend to call me 'the wife' in this strange, almost derogatory manner. It's not an important detail, but it gets on my nerves.
Lastly, John is aware that opening up the relationship would lead to me being intimate, physically or emotionally, with other people, but he said it's a great chance for me to explore 'my bi side', though I haven't expressed the desire to really be with a woman in a commited relationship of that magnitude.
Onto what happened - I shot a message to John two days ago that we need to talk. He works from home, I don't, so as soon as I got home, we sat down to have an in-depth conversation about his proposal.
I think he knew what it's going to be about and I had the feeling he seemed almost guilty, but I ignored that and basically word-vomited everything that's been on my mind.
This is embarrassing because I wrote down most of what the comments advised and was prepared to have a mature discussion, but by the end of my easily fifteen minute rant, I was in tears and he had to hold me, otherwise I'd crumble completely.
The gist of what I said is that I'm hurt that he wants to f other people and that he doesn't care that I'd f other people too, that he believes there's a limit to how much he can love me and that I can't see where this all came from, that he just sprung this on me out of nowhere just a few monts before we're to be wed.
We tried to have a mature discussion, yes, but by the end, he was frustrated - he did apologize for making me feel less than, but said that my outlook on an open relationship is selfish.
What it all boiled down to was that he feels he didn't have enough time to find himself before he commited to me - which is bullshit because he didn't show any signs of wanting more than I could offer. We were very happy throughout the five years, I really believed I met my soulmate.
I realized that, since we were engaged, he seemed to talk more to his friend group, and by extension to Avery and Alex. Again, I don't want to paint them as these cartoonish villains, they're really interesting and all, but now I want nothing more than to scratch those self-absorbed, smug smiles off their faces.
In the end, I demanded to see his phone, and he was shocked - we had a rule that we can see each other's phones, but we don't share passwords or anything since relationship is built on trust, and neither wanted to be a prison guard in the relationship.
Nevertheless, he unlocked and handed over his phone, and I searched his messages - even deleted ones - and found nothing out of the ordinary. Then I checked the call log, and guess fg what? Hours long calls to and from either Avery or Alex. I was fuming, and asked him what the hell does he need to discuss with them this long, and mind you, these dated months back!
John eventually caved in and admitted it was them who brought up the idea of open relationship, but they also talked about everything else since they're suuuuuch a role models. John admitted that he started getting cold feet a while ago and needed a safe place to discuss this. I guess I, his wife to be, am not safe??? Please make it make sense. Why even marry me, then?
He promised we'd go to a couple's counselor and fix all of this, his issues with marriage, the open relationship thing, the whole nine yards, and that he'd book an emergency session with his therapist.
That he loves me and wants nothing but to be with me. It was late, so we went to bed - despite how messy this all sounds, I was a bit more reassured by this - I genuinely love him, even if my post doesn't reflect that very well. Though many people said to just leave, I want that to be the last resort - I was willing to jump through hoops to make this work.
But guess who's the idiot? This morning, I woke up to an empty apartment, and a message on my phone from John, saying that he needs a few days to think this all over and needs space.
He didn't say where he was going or when he'd come back. I called and called and messaged everyone I know, but no one can tell me where John is. I told him that he either comes back home in 24 hours, or this is over.
As you can imagine, I'm a wreck. I took the rest of the week off and between crying sessions and staring blankly into the wall, I obsessively check ny messages in hopes of someone telling me where John is. To be honest, if he's willing to put me through this, I'm not sure I want to be with him. How can you do this to someone you love?
Hello everyone. I suppose it is time to give you an update since a lot has happened. First off, thank you for the advice, reality checks, DMs, and I'm sorry I didn't answer much. I just couldn't find it within me to answer, but rest assured, I appreciate every message and comment.
Second off, in my post, I said 'polygamy', and I later on learned that it's supposed to be polyamory (on TikTok out of all the places), so I guess I apologize for that. No, my fiancé doesn't want to have multiple wives. I posted a short update in the comments, that John came back and was indeed at AA's (Avery and Alex) and we're currently going to couples counseling and individual therapy.
Each time I thought about updating, I realized more and more context is needed. Since my fiancé found my post (again, on TikTok) and I got the green light, the reason why he used to feel unfulfilled is because he's trans, and feels like he didn't get much experience in before committing to me. That's fair, I guess. I'm not in his position, so I can't tell.
Now, you're probably going to be mad at me, but we're still together. I'm sorry. The wedding is still not happening anytime soon, but we still live together and go to couple's counseling. After John found my post, he showed me the video and asked me if it's about us since it was pretty specific, and I admitted that I reached out for help to strangers on the internet.
Despite him being the type to keep up appearances, he was calm and I let him read the comments, which was the eye opener. I'm still mad a bunch of strangers got through to him better than I did, but at least someone got through to him. I'll admit, out of the two of us, he's more passionate than me, at least outwardly.
He broke down and begged me not to leave him despite almost every comment telling me to do so, and even though I had one foot out of the door, I agreed to continue counseling and therapy and see where that gets us. For now, we have until the end of the year to work on our relationship, and if it doesn't work, it won't work - we agreed on this, after New Year's, no begging, no demanding, no bullshit - we're either in, or out.
John also agreed to go low contact with AA and told me everything regarding them. For the sake of his privacy, I won't go into detail, but I'll share what I'm allowed to share. He said that, when he met them, AA were very warm and welcoming towards him in a way no one ever was, which hooked him.
Like I said, his Christian home was not welcoming towards him, even before he came out. He never lived with AA more than a few days at a time even though they told him John is always welcome, even forever.
They were like those cool parents who turn a blind eye to their kids smoking the green and stuff, and he admitted he let himself be buttered up. Then, 'about ten years ago', he had sex with both of them.
That either means he slept with them as a minor, or slept with them when he was freshly eighteen, which - either way - means he was groomed, in my eyes, and while John didn't entirely deny this, he said that's something he'll discuss with his therapist. I guess they played on his insecurities a little to sway him towards an open relationship.
The night he left, Alex tried to put the moves on him, but he turned them away, though John admitted he's not entirely sure if it was on purpose or if Alex was just a bit tipsy and they didn't realize what they were doing. I think I know.
And about AA trying to rope us into their polyamory band; I don't know. John said that the idea was pitched to him a few times, with AA painting it as the best thing ever, but that they never specifically said that they'd want to be our third and fourth - just joked about it, which John says is their style, but... I don't know.
I know it's naive of me to stay, that I should just pack my bags and leave, but I'm seeing a genuine change in John. He showed me a message he sent to AA, in short, telling them that he needs to distance himself for the sake of his relationship, to not contact him unless absolutely necessary.
He gave me the password to his phone even though I didn't ask for it (like I said, I want to be his partner, not his prison guard), but he said I can check it, even in secret, whenever I feel suspicious, so there's that. We're going to a different couple's counselor now, and it's definitely going better.
John keeps hanging out with his friends (all of them are 100% supportive, even though some of them are in an open/polyamory relationship), but he asked that they don't relay anything to AA. Oh, and Alex messaged him a couple of times, it was very satisfying to see either them or Avery grow increasingly upset over John ignoring them completely.
They also messaged me, but I immediately blocked them without even reading it. For all I care, they can rot in hell. The only reason I didn't drive over to their house to beat them up for what they did to John is because he convinced me to not give them any more energy.
So, there you have it. I still have doubts, of course, and a temporary change is nothing if it doesn't stick, but I'm willing to see it through. I'm not going to throw away five years, not yet, not when it seems like there might be a future to it. If we do pull through, I'm going to make sure I send a wedding photo straight to AA's house, even though that's petty, and I shouldn't.