Woman's severely mentally ill ex-BF shows up at her baby shower unannounced; SIL apparently told him time and location. AITA? BIG UPDATE
When this woman's SIL leaks the time and location of her babyshower to her psychotic ex-bf, she asks the internet:
"I flipped out at my SIL gave private information to my ex with schizophrenia. AITA?"
(Using a throw away account as I don't want this to easily get back to my ex boyfriend. All names were also changed. TLDR below.) Trigger warning for Schizophrenia, mental health issues.
This story needs a lot of background to fully grasp how severe everything is, so buckle in. My ex boyfriend Jake (27M) and I (27F) broke up a few years ago. We had been together for over five years and were thinking about marriage and buying a house together.
In the last year of our relationship everything fell apart. Long story short he had a sudden psychotic episode and was placed in a mental health ward (mental health facility attached to hospital, this is in Australia FYI) for his safety.
Following this his entire personality changed and he developed delusions, hallucinations and paranoia which never went away. A large part of his paranoia revolved around me controlling people around him and thinking I was trying to make him look "crazy."
He also constantly accused me of cheating on him and told me many times that he hated me. He was let out of the hospital after some time and I took responsibility for him.
This change in him was heartbreaking, he was eventually diagnosed with schizophrenia. I did everything I could to be there for him, I went to all of his mental health appointments and stayed up at night to make sure he didn't leave the house alone (he was prone to wandering out at night when experiencing psychosis).
Things became too much for me to handle, he became angry and his paranoia about me made it impossible to help him. He didn't trust me to be close to him but at the same time he didn't want me to leave his sight as he was convinced I was cheating.
When he seemed to be doing a little better mentally I broke up with him, I waited until I felt he would be okay on his own and helped organise for him to move back in with his parents.
I was filled with guilt for that decision, but it was the right choice for me. I was struggling. For months I received no love and was used as an emotional punching bag. I did my best, he wasn't the same person anymore and his resentment for me was intense.
Obviously this isn't the full break down of his mental health issues as a lot of the things he went through are very personal. I never blamed him for what happened, but I needed to be happy and did what I needed to. It was a messy break up but it went better than expected.
We kept talking for a little while as friends, I think the entire time we kept contact he assumed we would get back together at some point. I continued helping him when I could. When I started a new relationship with my current partner Sam (30M) Jake had a really bad psychotic episode and threatened both of us.
He accused me of cheating on him with Sam before we broke up (which makes no sense as I met Sam after we had broken up) and sent both of us intense messages. I managed to contact Jake's family who got him the help he needed.
Following this I cut all contact with Jake, it was obvious that we couldn't maintain a friendship anymore.
The only slight connection I have to Jake is my brother's girlfriend Jess (29F). Her and Jake have been friends for years and have maintained their friendship. She knows the entire background to our relationship and never chose sides.
I would say I am close with her, we have always been friendly. It always made me happy to know that Jake still had a good friend to confide in.
Shift forward to March 2022. I got pregnant with Sam's baby in January and was three months pregnant. I had just told my family and close friends about the pregnancy.
I told everyone to keep it quiet as I didn't feel ready to publicly announce it. I was incredibly emotional, nauseous and in no state to deal with any potential fallout at that point.
Less than 24 hours passed after telling my side of the family and I received a phone call from Jake. He had found out I was pregnant and left a voice mail saying he would be filing for custody of the baby??
Obviously he was in a psychotic episode so I ignored his calls and let his family know that he had reached out to me. By this point it had been over a year since we had even spoken. He has no idea where I live or work so I'm not worried about him showing up physically to confront me.
I knew the only way he could have found out would have been through Jess. I called and confronted her about it and she admitted to it. She was extremely apologetic and said she didn't think it would matter, she thought he would be fine with the news and said he deserved to know.
I was upset by this, but I hadn't explicitly told her not to tell Jake so it could have just been a mistake (even though I told her to tell no one I bit my tongue to keep the peace). I forgave her but made it very clear that she shouldn't tell Jake any more information about me or the baby and she agreed it wouldn't ever happen again.
I didn't hear anything from Jake for months. Last weekend was my baby shower. Sam and I had the baby shower together, it was more of a party than a traditional baby shower.
We hired a function room at a bar and invited 80 people to come celebrate. We were all having a great time until I saw Jake standing at the bar, looking around.
I managed to slip away without him seeing me and grabbed security to get him escorted out (the area had been roped off for us as a private function so I simply told them he hadn't been invited).
I watched as security approached him and asked him to leave, he was furious and started yelling. Demanding to talk to me before he would leave. Sam and several friends went over to him to try and talk him down but it only escalated.
He screamed at Sam, claimed that he was the baby's real dad and that we had never really broken up. At this point I left to hide in the ladies room until my mum came to let me know Jake was gone. He had eventually left after a little more screaming. I was mortified and we cut the baby shower short, I couldn't stop crying.
It's now been a few days and I confronted Jess. She is the only person who would have possibly told him the location and time of the baby shower.
I wasn't as kind on the phone with her this time. She admitted to telling him and apologised. But said "how could I keep this a secret from him?."
I was furious and told her that she would no longer receive any news about me or the baby and that I would cut her out of my life. I'm not proud of it but I screamed at her, I couldn't believe how irresponsible she had been.
It wasn't her news to share. My brother called me after and asked me to forgive her. He knew she was wrong but he didn't think he should also be punished for what she had done...
he knew that by cutting her out I also wouldn't be telling him any news about the baby. In part he thought I should blame Jake for his reaction and not Jess, that she hadn't known he would show up, the damage was already done and I should let it go.
I honestly don't blame Jake for what happened, he is mentally ill and needs help. It's not his fault and I know he will regret all of this when he comes back to a more clear head space.
I told his family what had happened and they told me he was readmitted to the mental health ward, he had threatened to harm himself if he wasn't allowed to see my baby.
Regardless of whether I think he is at fault, I definitely don't feel safe with Jake now. I have a child to think about and him thinking it is somehow his is pretty scary.
I haven't budged with Jess or my brother. My family all think I should forgive her so my brother can meet his niece/nephew (we don't know the sex). But I just can't trust her. She already broke my trust once and I'm furious.
I could have been hurt if Jake had confronted me at the shower. So many things could have gone wrong. I don't know what to do. I'm heart broken that my brother may not get to meet this baby for a while.
But I'm scared that she could tell Jake information about the baby that could put us in danger.
My parents and other family members have all agreed not to tell Jess or my brother any information about the baby upon threat of also being cut out. I just don't know how long I can feasibly cut them out before I crack. Sam is obviously on my side with all of this, if it wasn't for him I would be in a much worse state.
Any advice would be appreciated. I'm finding it hard to stick to my guns on this and worry that news will leak to Jess from other family members. My parents were particularly hesitant to promise not to tell my brother when the baby is born.
TLDR: My sister in law told my ex with schizophrenia the location and time of my baby shower. Even though she has already had one warning and has been told not to tell him anything.
My ex somehow thinks the baby is his. I decided to cut SIL out after this event but need advice. How can I keep her cut out when it means pushing my own brother away??
zagos writes:
She "made a mistake" is not sufficient. Why does she think it was information he was "owed"? It has caused him distress and has caused you distress. There was literally no positive outcome.
So why did she do so? An apology isn't sufficient, you need the actual truth of why she did this. Does she believe you cheated? Does she think you lied about Jake's illness? Is she one of those special snowflakes who doesn't believe in mental illness? Does she want to break you and Sam up? Does she just hate you?
Keep nc with her. Always. She is 100% unsafe for you, your baby and your relationship.
Tell your brother that you will only consider removing nc with him if he can produce a genuine explanation for why his wife did what she did.
None of this middle school "he was owed the information" bullshit either, that makes no sense for an ex where the relationship is years in the past under normal circumstances, never mind when said ex is an unstable schizophrenic with a fixation on you.
Frankly, if you can, ask for exact copies of whatever messages went back and forth between her and Jake. I am honestly wondering if she has been winding him up given how agitated Jake has been on contact.
It may also be worth contacting Jake's family and advising them to block contact from her to him as she is the one feeding him information that is detrimental to his recovery.
Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
atvig writes:
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I feel bad for your and your partner, and also for Jake, as he is obviously struggling mentally to hold on. Jess, on the other hand, needs to be permanently cut off.
What she is doing is putting not only you and your baby in immediate danger, but she is also putting Jake in danger of himself. She is purposely triggering his weaknesses, and I’m not sure if she thinks this is a game or not, but it’s flat out evil of her. His family needs to know about her and her toxicity if they want to help Jake.
stricksshal writes:
OP, what your family has to understand and what might also help you stick to your guns if you remind yourself of it is that this is not about forgiveness. It's about trust. That person has broken your trust not once, but twice.
And she did not simply do something that you asked her not to do. She put you and your immediate family in danger, because either she didn't care or because of a lack of judgement or both.
Either way, you may forgive her or not, but that doesn't change the fact that you understandably see it as necessary to cut her out, because you can't trust her on a fundamental level. I don't really see what else you could possibly do.
potentiallyknocks writes:
You have to stand your ground and tell your family that the safety of you, your baby, and your husband comes before your brother or his GF’s feelings. The fact that she betrayed your trust twice is mind boggling, especially since she seems to justify by saying that “she couldn’t keep it from him” and “he deserves to know”.
There is no situation where he had any right to your information, ever, and the fact that she thought otherwise on at least two occasions is alarming.
The unfortunate truth is that, as long as your brother is with her, you probably can’t trust either of them with information. Honestly you’d probably be safest just avoiding situations where they’re there since the GF might invite him again.
Make it clear to your family how outrageous it is that she is willing and risk harm to you and your baby because she can’t refrain from telling your ex information. If they can’t promise they won’t tell your brother, then it’s information they shouldn’t receive either. You really need to stick to your guns on this one.
And now, OP's big update (trigger warning):
After I (27F) made that post I was overwhelmed by the response from everyone. Thank you for all of the amazing advice I received, it definitely put everything into perspective for me and made me take things more seriously. Decided I should post an update as I received a lot of messages asking what had happened.
I received a lot of comments doubting the motives of Jess (29F) and unfortunately you guys were right...
So, I had my baby earlier than anticipated. I'm happy to announce that Sam (30M) and I now have a beautiful son. He is currently 10 weeks old and was born at 38 weeks, we are absolutely smitten with him and couldn't be happier!
Not long after I made my original post Sam and I moved into a new house. We had been living in a one bedroom apartment and decided we needed more space for our growing family.
Part of our decision on our house was that it was further away from my brother and Jess.
Our apartment had only been a five minute drive from them and I felt uncomfortable knowing that Jake (27M) could potentially be visiting and we could run into him while walking the dog (I also didn't trust that Jess hadn't told him where we lived).
Our new house is now a 45 minute drive away from them and I feel much safer, we didn't tell them the location of our new home.
We had been living in our new house for about a month with no issues. I heard from Jake's family that he was on an extended mental health hold at the hospital as his psychotic episode was not subsidising and he refused to take his medication.
I also warned them about his relationship with Jess and they seemed to take it seriously, they would keep an eye on them and told the hospital that she was not to be allowed visitation with him.
My family stopped pestering me to forgive Jess. My mum had a heart to heart with me and finally understood why I had to cut my brother out. I didn't hear anything from my brother, apparently my mum had stepped up and had a conversation with him about the severity of what Jess had done.
It broke my heart to push my brother away as we had been so close. But after reading all of your comments I knew that I had to be responsible and keep my baby safe.
Unfortunately things didn't stay so calm. After a few months I received a call from Jake, he had finally been released from the hospital and was embarrassed about his behaviour at the baby shower.
He told me he knew that the baby wasn't his. He cried and asked to speak with Sam, he wanted to personally apologise to him. Sam didn't want to talk to him. I told him I forgave him, I knew it wasn't his fault and that we should move on.
I was also very firm with him and told him that under no circumstances would I let him be around me or my baby. If he tried to contact us I wouldn't hesitate to call the police. He accepted that and our conversation ended.
About two weeks later Jake showed up at Sam's workplace, demanding to speak with him. They had a short conversation where Jake broke down in tears and begged to be forgiven.
From what Sam told me he didn't seem to be stable, in his apology he said "I'm so sorry for confronting you in public like that, I should have spoken to you privately. Clearly you didn't know the baby isn't yours and you were humiliated in front of your friends." (Paraphrasing here).
Sam didn't want to provoke him so said he accepted his apology and asked him to leave. Sam then called me to let me know what had happened. I was shattered. Obviously Jess had told him where Sam worked. I called Jake's family to let them know what had happened.
They told me the next day he hadn't come home and were extremely worried. He wasn't meant to be driving as his licence had been suspended (he had been caught speeding several times) but he had taken his mum's car without her permission.
A few days later he was found by police in a building that was under construction, completely out of it and confused. He had driven 20 hours away from our town. He was taken to the local hospital and placed in their mental health ward, his family flew up to retrieve him.
To this day I still haven't heard any updates on Jake, I assume he is still in a mental health facility. His family always updates me when he is released.
After all of that my brother called me and asked if he could meet up with me for lunch one day. He sounded upset on the phone so I agreed, we met at a McDonald's.
Then he told me all the crazy stuff that had happened with Jess. Apparently when Jake got out of the hospital (following the baby shower incident) he had shown up at their house to see Jess.
My brother was really worried because he could tell that Jake was in a manic episode.
He kept an eye on Jake while he visited and noticed that he was being extremely touchy feely with Jess who started to seem flirty with him as well, it made him really uncomfortable so he made an excuse about him and Jess needing to go to a friend's house.
When Jake left him and Jess had a massive fight. He confronted Jess about the flirty behaviour and she was extremely defensive. She flat out denied that she had been flirting or that Jake had been touching her at all. My brother decided to drop it.
Not long after (we later realised this happened on the same day that he had gone to Sam's workplace) Jake showed up at their house again but this time Jess was at work (my brother works from home).
Jake told him that he was in love with Jess, confessed that they had been sleeping together and showed him a bunch of text messages between the two of them to prove that he wasn't making this up.
My brother asked him to leave. When Jess got home he confronted her, at first she tried to deny it but eventually confessed. She begged my brother to forgive her, she had realised after his outburst at the baby shower that she didn't love him.
My brother was furious and told her to stay with her parents for a while. Ever since then he hasn't heard from her, it's been months now and it looks like things are over between the two of them.
My brother feels terrible about what Jess did to me, although I want to let him back into my life fully I still don't trust that he won't eventually get back together with Jess.
The two of them haven't officially broken up and until that day comes I won't be sharing my address or photos of our son with him. So far my brother has met our son once at my parents house.
I still don't know why Jess decided to tell Jake about my pregnancy. But I'm so glad she isn't in our lives anymore. I haven't heard anything from her or Jake since, I'm constantly worried he could show up again.
I've developed some strange OCD behaviours after it all, needing to check that all our doors are locked five times and touching all of the windows in our house before I can go to sleep. Other than that things have been peaceful so far and Sam and I have been able to enjoy our new life as parents.
(TLDR: My ex and my SIL were having an affair. My ex still thinks that my baby is his. My brother and SIL no longer live together but haven't fully broken up yet).