Man chooses same-sex couple over devastated sister to adopt his baby after 'baby mama' disappears. AITA? UPDATED
"AITA? I won't allow sister to adopt my newborn."
I (22M) have been harassed by my parents and sister (37F) for the past 4 days now. My ex (22F) had a baby about a week ago. Failed birth control on both of us. She kept telling me that she wanted this baby despite knowing I would only financially provide.
We discussed abortion and adoption, I didn't force her to either option. Now that the baby is here and in NICU, my ex nowhere to be found. Ignored all my calls/texts. Nothing has been posted on her socials. Her parents can't even get in touch. One of the nurses handed me the car seat from my ex's car.
My sister says she is willing to step up and adopt this baby. I'm not comfortable with that, because her husband (47M) creeps me out. I don't have good feelings about him. I don't have proof, but I feel like he's on some sort of list.
So I found a nice couple who wants to adopt this baby. They have been visiting us at the NICU getting to know me and spend time with the baby. I like this couple. My family doesn't since they want a close adoption.
Plus the couple is two women and my parents are ignorant. The adoption will go through in a couple of weeks in case my ex shows up. For now they could be the legal guardian until everything legal gets settled. Also I took a paternity test and am the biological father. AITA for not allowing my family to adopt this baby?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. They have no sway here. It's your baby and the mother isn't present. You're the defacto guardian. I hope the adoption goes through and the baby has a good life loved by their parents and safe.
If you have a bad feeling about your sister's hubby that's completely valid. I am worried that your ex is dealing with postpartum depression or worse. She probably needs help wherever she is.
Yeah worried about the ex too...hopefully she went to trusted friends.
Time_Dragonfly8179 (OP)
The postpartum depression is worrying me. I still care about my ex. I also want this adoption to go through. Thank you for helping me feel better about the nonsense my family is putting me through.
Always trust your gut. Do NOT let your sister have this baby if her husband gives you the creeps. Those feelings arise for a reason and you cannot put your child in a bad situation.
INFO: In what scenario is an adoption allowed to go through without the biological mother also giving consent when she’s only been gone for one week. Adoptions/law/custody don’t seem to work that fast.
Did she somehow give up parental rights in between giving birth in the hospital and running from the hospital? If this adoption is really happening it doesn’t seem legal although I am not a lawyer and don’t know what country you are from.
But just for the record - biological parents have the say in adoption, no one else. Whoever adopts a baby should get as much family medical information on the biological parents as possible for the child’s sake.
Time_Dragonfly8179 (OP)
The day my ex gave birth is the day she went missing. She signed paperwork to check herself out of the hospital against medical advice. I was called by the hospital liaison. I spoke with a nurse about how I wanted nothing to do with the newborn. I talked to their legal staff.
It's been a week and four days total that I have been trying to contact my ex, dealing with legal, and my family. She is given two weeks to establish parenting rights before this newborn can be placed for adoption. Which then can take more time to be accepted by a judge. Until then the couple I found can be granted guardianship.
It’s YOUR baby, you can choose wherever you think it needs to go.
NTA. What you’re doing is being a good dad. Putting your kid’s wellbeing first. Giving that kid a good family. Good job dad.
The OP later returned to answer some questions from readers.
Edit: I brought up some of the questions some of you had with the hospital liaison. I wasn't informed that my ex had asked about Safe Haven laws. I believe they were giving her or me a grace period to keep biological parents with the biological child.
The couple was found with the help of hospital staff. They were looking to adopt another newborn, but that fell through. I was very vocal with anyone who would listen that I was not going to be a good dad and I needed help with options that I have.
The reason I believe her husband is on some sort of a list: I was 15 when I met my sister's husband. He would give me looks that made me feel uncomfortable. He also tried to get me alone with him so I would try to stay around my mom all the time when he was around.
I refuse to go to their house for any holidays. This does make my parents upset with me and has for years. I told my mom how I felt when I was younger and she brushed it off.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
The police have found my missing ex. She was checked out by medical. I introduced her to the couple that want to adopt the newborn and my ex agrees that they would be perfect parents.
The newborn will be going home with the couple after being cleared to leave. The couple is also going to pick the name. The adoption process is going to take awhile. For now they will have temporary guardianship over the newborn. We have already started the process.
My ex and I got plenty of photos with the newborn and some with the couple. I am still no contact with my parents and told my sister that I believe her husband is a creep, she refuses to talk to me.
I am working on repairing my relationship with my ex, because I still love her. I am also working on repairing my relationship with her parents. She told me that it's okay to share the reason she took off.
My Ex: "I called you when I started having bad contractions, but you never answered. I took that as you fully committing to not be around for this baby and I got scared. Nobody was there. You weren't there for me."
I would have been there had I answered that phone call. I didn't answer, because I was at work and I didn't know that she was going to give birth early. I feel terrible for putting her though that.
Edit: You know what I'm going to be the AH here and let my ex handle the situation now that she's back. Obviously her choice is better since she is the mother. She can decide to continue with a guardianship process for later adoption or to raise that baby with my financial support only. I'm wiping my hands about this situation and walking out. Going to focus on myself. Good luck to her.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Please start getting therapy, individual first and then couples therapy, you both would benefit so much from learning how to communicate with each other. I know pregnancy hormones can really mess with ones mind. I really wish all the best for both of you.
Time_Dragonfly8179 (OP)
Therapy is a great idea. I'll talk to my ex about it. I know she would benefit from seeing a professional after that kind of trauma. I need someone from this stressful event.
Both of you require therapy, not just her...
The other couple adopting the baby is just better all around. Even if the sister's husband wasn't creepy, it would have made for some weird situations growing up with dad/uncle right there and being minimally involved.
tbh I actually respect him a lot for the decisions he's making moment to moment though. He knows he can't take care of that kid, and he's doing his best to find someone who can. He needs some therapy for his own sake but good on him for not making a terrible situation worse for everyone.