'AITA for telling my partner I won’t attend his family events anymore unless he stands up for me?'
"AITA for telling my partner I won’t attend his family events anymore unless he stands up for me?"
My partner (31M) and I (29F) have been together for four years. We live together, plan to get married, and generally have a good relationship. He’s kind, supportive, and avoids conflict whenever possible.
That last part is where things get messy.
His family is very close, and we see them often. On the surface, they’re polite to me but there’s always little comments. About my job being “unstable.” About how I dress being “a bit much.” About how I don’t cook like his mom does. Nothing outright cruel, but constant.
At first, I brushed it off. Then I noticed a pattern: every comment happens in front of him, and he never says a word. He’ll squeeze my hand, change the subject, or later tell me “they didn’t mean it like that.”
Last weekend, it escalated. His sister joked that I’m “high-maintenance” and laughed about how he’ll “learn to handle it” once we’re married. Everyone laughed. He laughed too.
I didn’t.
On the drive home, I told him that hurt and asked why he didn’t say anything. He said he didn’t want to make things awkward and that “they’re just like that.” I told him I’m not asking him to start fights I’m asking him not to let me be the punchline.
He said I’m being overly sensitive and trying to make him choose between me and his family.
That’s when I said something that shocked him:
I told him I won’t attend any more family gatherings unless he’s willing to set boundaries when they cross a line. Now he says I’m forcing an ultimatum, isolating him, and creating a problem where there doesn’t need to be one. He insists I should just ignore the comments like he does.
From my perspective, I’ve been “ignoring it” for years and it’s only gotten worse. AITA for refusing to keep showing up to a place where I feel disrespected unless my partner actively has my back?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA, if you allow this now what makes you think it’ll change when you marry? Have children? You really already know what to do… if he won’t saying anything know he never will… having no backbone is a red flag ma’am…
OP, when he says he, “ Doesn’t want to make it awkward”, it means, FOR HIM. And in future he’ll ask you to ignore and forgive things “ For peace”. His peace, and their peace, but never yours.
I had a mate like this. It was a misery. He doesn’t want you to make him set boundaries. He wants you to be a quiet punching bag. Suggest couples therapy surrounding this subject. If he won’t go, get out.
This is an excellent point: “When he says, “Doesn’t want to make it awkward,” it means, FOR HIM.” He only cares about his family’s feelings and his own feelings. Not yours, OP. As another person pointed out; if he won’t advocate for you with his family he absolutely won’t advocate for you in a medical emergency.
Why do you think you deserve to be with someone that doesn’t respect you? That openly laughs when others disrespect you? Do you think you don’t deserve better?
NTA. You shouldn’t have to ignore demeaning comments. He should stand up for you. I would not marry him if he continues to defend his family.
Dear OP, this would be your life if you married your partner….every Thanksgiving and Christmas. Imagine trying to plan and celebrate your wedding with his family. What comments would they make about you or your children? Would they put you down and undermine you in front of your kids and partner?
NTA. Him wanting to “avoid conflict” is ENABLING this behavior and he is inherently choosing his family’s comfort over yours. He is LETTING them BELITTLE his partner! If that isn’t offensive to you (which it is) HE should be offended because they’re attacking who HE CHOSE as a partner!
You also have the option of standing up for yourself. People will keep pushing you as long as you remain a doormat.
NTA but he won't set any boundaries. He told you what he thinks: setting boundaries will drive his family away. Perhaps if is true, perhaps it isn't but he won't even try. So you must decide if you want to stay with him knowing he won't change.
If so you can avoid his family (if you want to have a child with him, it won't work but if you don't, it can perhaps work), see them and suffer in silence or see them and stand up for yourself. In the latter case, you will be able to see if your boyfriend will stand up for his family against you or not. My bet is that he will stand up for them...
NTA. Wonder how much they are saying he’s around but you’re not. If he doesn’t have your back when you’re there, when does he have your back? What are you getting married for if you don’t have that? Spoken from experience.
The wild part is him saying you’re making him choose when his family already did and he chose silence every time. You’ve been putting up with this for years and the second you set a boundary it’s suddenly an ultimatum. Nah. If he can’t say one sentence like “hey let’s not joke about her like that,” that’s a bigger issue than family drama. NTA.
You have a boyfriend problem, not a boyfriend family problem. You have taught him that you will accept this treatment the very first time you didn't speak up. You need to set a boundary and hold it or choose to walk away.