'I won't attend my mom's burial because of what I learned after her death. Am I overreacting?'

"I won't attend my mom's burial because of what I learned after her death. Am I overreacting?"

I am the youngest of my mother’s children and the most educated. In 2009, I encouraged my mother and older brother to buy a house. At that time, my mother didn’t have a credit history, but my brother and father did. With my guidance, we bought the house using a loan from my older sister for the down payment. The mortgage was under my father’s and brother’s names.

From 2009 to 2014, my mother and brother made the mortgage payments. After I graduated college in 2014, I took over the payments with my mother. Since I earned more, I paid the larger share, even after I moved out in 2016 to attend graduate school. I continued paying to the mortgage while in grad school, working full time and living in a rented room until 2021.

In 2018, my mom called crying that she could no longer work because she’s aging. She initially told my older brother who did nothing but insisted she continue working. She then told me and I retired her, another burden. I had to take process her Medicare and Medicaid and social security.

Then my brother came to me about getting her life insurance, again, another burden as it turned out, I ended it paying. However, I didn’t find out until 2021 that my brother listed only himself as the sole beneficiary of the life insurance that he wasn’t paying. I blocked payments after he refused to change the beneficiary and my mom continued to support him in 2024.

After I stopped paying the mortgage, my mother, father, and brother covered the mortgage until they refinanced the house in 2024. The refinance yielded between $130,000 and $150,000. However, they only gave me $10,000 from that amount, keeping the rest, primarily my brother. My mom lied to me at the time, claiming there wasn’t much money from the refinance. I only found out the true amount few days ago from my dad.

After my mother’s recent passing, my brother asked all of us to contribute to her funeral expenses. I initially offered to pay $4,000, the largest contribution. However, a few days ago, my father told me that my mother knowingly lied to me about the refinance and supported my brother’s decision to keep most of the money.

I also learned that my brother initially wanted to give me only $5,000, and it was my father who insisted it be raised to $10,000. Given these revelations, I have decided not to contribute financially to my mother’s funeral and not to attend. We are immigrants and my parents and family have this outdated mindset that, the male child is the most important.

My dad informed me few days ago that, it’s the sister’s job to support the brother to be successful. My brother is 8 years older and married with a job. He’s done nothing for me or my parents, but my parents always attributed my accomplishments help to them, to him. Our dad and my other older siblings are begging me, but I’m done.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

m_preddy said:

NTA you don't owe them anything. Your brother can spend some of that $130k he pocketed to pay for the expenses.

Cute_Cap_1167 said:

NTA. You funded their lives for years and got backstabbed. You've already paid enough for this family.

LesbianDumpsterFire said:

NTA if your brother is the most important sibling out of you two he can foot the bill with that extra money. You don’t owe your family your appearance especially after their blatant disregard for your efforts. You deserved that money and your mom and brother are absolutely the aholes.

alegitimatesnack said:

NTA. I don’t think you should contribute anything to the cost, especially considering he kept so much of that refi money. As far as attending, that’s completely up to you and you are not an AH if you decide not to go. Take the time to think about how it might affect you if you don’t but do what you feel is best for you. Good luck.

Icy_Ad8228 said:

Ahhhh. What gets me isn’t the money, it’s the lie. It’s the realization that the ones you've carried were standing behind you with a knife. That kind of betrayal changes how you see “family.” After the anger and disappointment settle, there’s a stillness that speaks louder than words.

It’s the moment you realize you have nothing left to prove. Walking away isn’t an act of bitterness, it’s your act of self-respect, the quiet decision to honor your own worth when others refused to. So grieve your mother in your own way. You don’t owe anyone your presence. Good luck.

Glittering-Ship-9675 said:

Don’t do it. You helped her while she was alive. You have paid more than your fair share. That’s enough! Do not feel guilty.