'AITA for not fulfilling my fiancé’s wish on our wedding day?' UPDATED
"AITA for not fulfilling my fiancé’s wish on our wedding day?"
Throwaway account. I appreciate if you give me your honest opinion as I’m being pressured from everyone ( except my aunt) to go against my wish. I’m a 30 year old woman. I have been with my fiancé Sarah for the last 5 years. We are the same age and we met at grad school. When I was 13 my loving dad passed away.
He left a decent amount of money for us .My mom within 6 months got engaged to a guy named Bob. Bob had a daughter around my age .My mom married Bob within a year of my dad’s passing . Bob really hated me from the start and didn’t even try to hide it.
He was saying stuff like how my mom should have sent me to a boarding school, how if it wasn’t because of my dad’s inheritance he wouldn’t have me in his house, or I’m a “bu$%#%yke” because I was in our school sport team and very athletic.
He multiple times told my mom he doesn’t feel safe when his daughter is around me. I wasn’t even out yet! Used this as a reason to exclude me pretty much from everything .
My mom on the other hand was going above and beyond to prove to Bob that she is the new mom for Bob’s little princess . They ended up having 3 more kids. Basically I was a roommate who did babysitting for my mom and her New family. I never had a birthday party or a special day . My dad’s sister was amazing to me. I was at their place all the time.
She and her family had birthday celebrations for me and my mom was making excuses not show up and of course rest of them never showed up (I was really my aunt and uncle’s daughter! They were amazing to me ). When I left for university I contacted my mom a few times but she was always busy so I just gave up. Here is the issue, Sarah, my fiancé come from a very family oriented background.
Family is everything to her. Her family asked about mine I said my dad passed away and my mom is busy with her family and lives across the country (she lives one hour drive from us but this is what Sarah told them so I just didn’t correct them).
I didn’t entirely lie technically. Sarah asked me to invite my family to our wedding. I told her no. She said it’s very embarrassing not having only my aunt and her family on my side.
I reluctantly invited my mom. She called and asked me to apologize to Bob and my step and half siblings for not inviting them and invite them all. I told her no! She said I’m being ungrateful and Bob was a father figure to me. I had a big argument with my mom over this. My mom now says the only way she comes is if I invite Bob, his daughter and their kids.
Sarah is now pushing me to invite them all because she doesn’t wanna feel embarrassed in front of her family. These people never even gave me care or said happy birthday to me so I see no reason to celebrate my big day with them. I on the other hand don’t wanna let my fiancé down. I just don’t know what to do?
Should I swallow my ego and invite my family so my fiancé be happy ? I suggested eloping but Sarah is a firm no. AITAH to ruining my fiancé’s day by not fulfilling her wish ?
Edit: Sarah knows everything about my life. My aunt even talked to her about how they treated me when I was growing up.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Info: Did you ever actually ever explain to Sarah the real reason your distant from your family?
Alternative-Tale6910 OP replied:
Yes ! Sarah knows all the details. She also knows about my close relationship with my aunt and uncle because of my mom and Bob’s behaviour. Her family don’t know since Sarah said it’s best if they don’t know the drama in my life. I respected her decision.
NTA - but I want to ask.... Is Sarah the person you want to spend your life with if she can't understand that you are NC with your family?
Yep. If she doesn't have your back on this, she's not your person, no matter how long you have been with her.
NTA but your fiancee is. She wants to put you through the ringer just to keep her family happy. I'm sorry but that is a major red flag waving in front of your face. If she is pushing you on this just to keep her family happy.. what else down the line is she going to push you on. She is supposed to be supporting you, not causing you distress!
Alternative-Tale6910 OP replied:
I don’t think she understands how traumatic it was being invisible in your own home and not wanted. She thinks I should just let it go and have at least a minimum relationship with them. I really don’t feel comfortable but I don’t want to let her down either. I will have a serious talk with Sarah tonight. I’ll try to update soon.
The next day OP came back with this update:
Thank you for your comments and DMs. They really gave me perspective on my life. I sat Sarah down last night and explained my reasoning for not inviting my family. She kept saying, “That was a long time ago; they might not be the same people anymore.” I felt offended and said, “How on earth are you lecturing me when you’ve never even met them?”
Well, it turned out my mother has been in touch with Sarah. Sarah said they regularly meet for coffee dates and talk. I was about to cry because I was so angry. My mom changed the whole narrative, saying Bob was a father figure, a good, protective dad, and that it was me who didn’t love him back because, apparently, it’s my thing to play the victim.
She claimed my aunt manipulated me and stole me from their family, trying to be a replacement for my mom. According to her, it’s all about my mother.
I screamed, “ARE YOU FOR REAL? Ask her next time on your coffee dates why I never had a birthday party growing up! Why was there never a gift under the tree for me? Ask Bob if he even knows when my birthday is, since he was such a loving dad! Why did my aunt have to pick me up before Christmas Eve because Bob wanted to spend the holiday with his kids, not with another man’s mistake?”
Sarah basically repeated what my mom has told me my whole life: “You just love to make a big deal out of everything, make yourself a victim, and push everyone away.” I told her she had no right contacting my mom. She said I was cruel and claimed she was just trying to help me mend my broken relationship.
She even called my mom lovely and said Bob has changed a lot; he’s now an LGBTQ ally now that his princess is out ! I was floored. An ally? Maybe he should start by apologizing to me for terrorizing my entire childhood.
I told Sarah we are done. I can’t do this. Sarah sarcastically said, “You just proved your mom’s point! Go run to your aunt! Let that old witch run your life.” I told her she needs to find a new place ASAP, considering she’s not paying rent—I am. She got mad and asked what excuse I was going to make up this time to justify my “bullshit trauma.”
I stopped replying. She went on a tirade, breaking our dinner plates. I didn’t care. I texted my aunt, and she asked if I wanted to spend the night at her place. I said I was fine.
I’m taking time off from work. I cleaned up the kitchen (which was full of broken dishware) in the morning because I didn’t want my cats to accidentally get hurt. Sarah is still sleeping. I’m going to see how I can legally evict her. I’m a complete mess, but I’ll talk to my aunt and uncle for help.
Yes, I am not starting to date again until I see a therapist and work on myself. I can’t keep going through this.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
Sorry you have to go through this. Still, it's better you have discovered what kind of person Sarah is before getting married. You owe this to your mom, at least something good came out from her direction 🤔.
So in the first post you said your mom lived across the country, how were her and Sarah having regular coffee meetups then?
Alternative-Tale6910 OP replied:
I explained later. That was the lie Sarah told her parents and I didn’t correct it. Yes I shouldn’t have lied to them. I should have taken the hint when she asked me to lie. We live in lower mainland , Vancouver and my mom lives in Abbotsford to be exact if you wanna check how far she lives away from us.
Why are you letting her sleep? Gently walk in with a metal spoon and a pot, flip the light on, bang the shit out of the makeshift drum screaming GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!! at the top of your lungs.
Alternative-Tale6910 OP replied:
I’m waiting for my aunt and uncle to come because I’m terrified of doing that alone.
Damn sounds like you might have accidently dated someone similar to your mother thank God you didn't have kids with her.
Alternative-Tale6910 OP replied:
No I’ll never ever have kids. I’m not mentally fit and I don’t wanna transfer my trauma to the poor innocent kid (the kid deserves a mother better than me).
Imo that would make you a great mom: you are selfaware and know your limits. You would never willingly subject your kid to a trauma because you know by first hand how the effects of that are (aka keen on preventing the past to repeat). I'm dahm sure if you ever chose to still have kids, you would go to heaven and hell to make dahm sure they will become functioning kiddos. Don't sell yourself short ❤