Wife refuses to host family get-togethers; 'I HATE my in-laws and their poor manners.' AITA?
"AITA for refusing to host any more family get-togethers at our house because I HATE hosting my in-laws and their poor manners?"
Poplar_Flower_4409
My husband and I finally bought our first house, 5bd/3bth a year ago. Over the holidays, we thought we’d take on the role of hosting a few get-togethers. From my perspective, it was hell. I hated every second of it.
I never really hosted anything or “entertained” or whatever you want to call it. Maybe it’s just that I’m not used to the requirements. But growing up, my mom or dad would host family and they were nothing like this. My inlaws did things like:
Let kids run around screaming/yelling, up and down stairs, touching things that didn’t belong to them, making messes and not making them clean up after themselves.
Parents didn’t bring anything for the kids to do and got pissy with us for not having anything for them. They brought a dog into our house and let the dog on the furniture. They left chairs sticking out of tables/counters instead of pushing them in.
They stomped around the house with their shoes on despite being asked to remove them. They left trash/paper plates etc sitting around or balled up instead of placing it in the trash, pened multiple bottles/cans of drinks and only took a sip and left it open.
They pulled out and used new rolls of toilet paper when there was still plenty left on the rolls, opened medicine cabinets. Only one person asked if we needed help at any point, and it was my husband’s brother’s new girlfriend who we were all meeting for the first time. She offered to help us clean up, bring out food, etc.
This was a terrible experience. My husband was shocked at his family’s behavior and didn’t know what to say. I don’t blame him for this at all. He was just a part of the hosting as me, but he was seeing his family through new eyes as well.
When he talked to his mom and dad after, they just laughed at us and said “That’s what hosting is.” So, we decided together we would rather not go through all that again. Easter is coming up and my in-laws asked what our plans are. My husband said that we aren’t going to host after everyone’s awful manners.
His mom and dad are upset with us. We have the big house, so they figured it would be on us from now on. We said that the only way we would ever even consider hosting is if every member of his family pitched in some way.
They said that defeats the purpose of someone else hosting, and that no one should be expected to pitch in if we offer to host. So we said we won’t host. Maybe I’m just not meant to host. But are we truly so far out of bounds to refuse to host anymore because of how his family behaves?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Bureaucratic_Dick
NTA. Your house your rules. And if people are ignoring those rules, then I think it’s fair not to host. I think it’s valid to not want to host for any reason, but your list is wild to me.
Going through the medicine cabinet is a HUGE one, I’d be worried about a hidden addict in the family. That’s who does that. Some of them are easily mitigated: pets on the furniture? Clarify no pets if you ever host again.
But what really gets me is the shoe thing. It’s super common in a lot of cultures not to wear shoes in the house. It’s something you should expect and respect when going to someone else’s house. It’s such a baseline boundary that to disregard it is ABSURD. What are you getting out of it to ignore that rule? A petty sense of control?
I could deal with the chairs, and even the messes, but if people went out of their way to spite the house rules for absolutely no reason, I wouldn’t invite them back either. If they can’t respect something as basic as no shoes, they don’t have an iota of respect for you or your husband.
getaclueless_50
If someone doesn't want me to wear shoes in their house I'd like to know before so I can wear my good socks.
BeeeeDeeee
I'd say, wear the good socks whenever you're invited to another person's home every single time. If they allow you to leave your shoes on, it's not like you've lost anything.
Shutupandplayball
LOL on the socks! I agree!
NTA - I loved hosting, we love our home—having the kids playing in the pool, cooking for our family is our way of showing love for people. BUT, we had to stop.
EVERY TIME they came over, something was broken…blinds had to be re-tightened, doorknobs had to be put back on, scratch marks on the hardwood floors, huge oil stains in the driveway, and worst of all, one family member had to be watched at all times due to their stealing habits.
It was too much and we said no more. Every year after, one sibling kept trying to hold events at my house and I shut that talk down. Everybody loves a party until it’s their turn to host.
Pink_lady-126
NTA...
"They said that defeats the purpose of someone else hosting, and that no one should be expected to pitch in if we offer to host."
GREAT...so THEY can host and you guys can attend and make a mess and leave it. PERFECT! Tell them thank you for suggesting it. :)
Strict-Sir8739
NTA and what kind of people does he have? We have family gatherings all the time and every person cooks and brings variety with consideration for dietary needs and religious beliefs, cleans after themselves and their kids, entertains, leaves pets at home and service animals as well.
Severe allergy sufferers throughout the family to the point we get shots twice a week on top of daily meds. Drinks are set next to a bowl of permanent markers so you can put your name on it.
Kids are divided by age and confined to their designated area or the fenced backyard. We are even considerate of the neighbors when hosting and parking. They would never be welcomed back into my home.