'AITA for not letting my husband control the money in our house?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for not letting my husband control the money in our house?"
My husband and i have been married for over a year and he knows what i make hourly, but i don't just hand money over to him.
Back story – 10 years ago my kids dad took control of my bank account and income, spent my savings and gave me an allowance of $50 a week from my check. This had to cover gas, groceries and diapers. I gave birth to our second child a year and a half later and would walk to the store so i would have gas for work.
One day, i had to make a decision on buying diapers for my oldest or my newborn. I cried in the diaper section because i couldn't believe my life had gotten to this point.
Ill never forget the kind person who purchased the diapers for my children and gave me extra money to hide. When i had gotten home i was belittled and accused of stealing money to buy so much.
When i explained $50 a week for 4 of us including diapers wasn't enough he told me to figure it out. I asked for $100 a week. Eventually, i convinced him to allow me more money. 3 months later i left and swore id never allow another man to do that again.
Present day, 10 years later, my husband was fully aware that i came with about $18,000 in credit card debt. Ive successfully paid almost all of it in full in 2 years. (Made it possible, by not having my own house, leach of an ex with 4 kids, and no utilities)
I'm responsible for groceries for our family of 5, phone bill for us, and car insurance. I have my car payment and 1 credit card. My husband pays the utilities and house payment. We recently purchased a new to us camper and he took a loan on it and put the money i got from my totaled camper in the bank, so he has that as well as his vehicle payment.
He says i should be giving him $300 or more a month for savings and to help with the utilities and i wont. If something happens to him, i cant access that account to pay bills etc. I don't believe im on his account at all. I opened an account 5 months ago and have $250 a check placed into it for safe keeping.
I also must get school supplies, kids clothes, etc. His ex-wife they split the cost 50/50 for their daughter, but my ex and i are not on those types of terms. My husband gets huffy that my situation isn't like his but i told him it is what it is.
Every pay period he will ask me for money for utilities and i brush it off or say if you buy groceries sure. He says, i don't know how to save money and he should have what is left of my check each week for vacation, going to dinner, etc. I wont do it.
The mere thought of having an allowance again terrifies me. Do i overspend some weeks? Yes, but i don't use a credit card to buy items anymore. I don't rob peter to pay paul like i did in 2020. I budget right down to coupons for groceries and what my grocery bill will be before i enter the store.
He says i need to trust him and let him hold onto all of our money together because his savings account is my savings account also. I just cant bring myself to do this unless i can have full access to the account as well. I don't see that being an option.
He recently sold a vehicle and put $16,000 in the savings and gave me $1,000 to spend on whatever i wanted to. So i put $200 in the bank, bought my kids each one Christmas gift early (at a friends house so i don't hand it over now that were on sale and i paid $200 a piece per item) ordered myself new glasses ($275) and contacts($150).
I wanted a hoodie for $20 and he said i gave you money did you spend it already? I said kind of (he knew what i did with it) and he said he wasn't buying the hoodie because im irresponsible with money and he should have never given me the $1,000 and asked for receipts on everything i bought.
He knew i went to the eye doctor, he knew how much i paid and he knew about the gifts i got now because i saved more than i spent on the Christmas gifts.
Hes been very pushy about just holding all the money that his friends are beginning to make comments about it. Telling me i need to pay when we go out for drinks, telling me i need to pull that debit card out and pay the tab. I probably have $10,000 in the bank.
I leave the tip, i don't drink when we go out aside from water. Occasionally will have a sipper, but i wont risk a DUI. I tip because the bartenders are usually really good making sure my water is full all the time and i never go without it. So i take care of them. AITA for not letting my husband have control of all the money?
Edit: I want to be clear the debt I acquired and had when we moved in together was from a past relationship, taking a huge pay cut a few years ago. It killed my income. I hardly worked and was continuing looking for work while homeschooling both my kids. I robbed peter to pay paul and my ex-bf who lived with me didn't want to help with anything and was a huge financial burden. I had to get that reeled in.
Edit 2: Our incomes are similar currently. In January, I was put up for a promotion, and once my training is complete, my monthly income will be 1.5 more than his current monthly income. My current income base off his base pay and not OT yearly is about $6,000 a year difference annually and can go up to $20,000 with OT.
Edit 3: his bills amount to roughly $700 a month, house is $400, leaving $300 openly for gas,water, electric.
Mine- car insurance- $250 a month? It just changed again because he sold a vehicle and bought a different one. Last month, it was $337, phone a little over $264.03 includes internet, groceries, which range weekly from $200 to $400 a week depending on produce, meat purchasing etc.
Which is a big reason why I haven't been helping with household bills. I also pay for all streaming services which can be ridiculous too.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Hell no, NTA. I walked away from a similar situation that you had with your ex. Your current husband sounds like his true colors are starting to show, be careful. Good luck!
My first husband made me account for every penny with receipts for everything. I never realized how dumb I was until I was talking to a co-worker. They asked me why I had no money when I was working but he was sitting at home unemployed because he couldn't find a job he liked.
My next husband used to keep $200 on top of the fridge. If you needed money for gas, groceries etc, you took it from there. Every Monday, he'd check and add more money if needed. He never once questioned anything that I bought or why.
If the savings is for both of them, why isn’t her name on it?
NTAH...ALWAYS stay in charge of your own earnings. You can pay your fair share of living expenses without giving him control of your funds.
4 months later OP came back with this update:
I took some of your suggestions previously. Asked him to go to marriage counseling and he declined because he didn't have any issues in our marriage except me. Suggested a joint bank account for bills and bills alone and we have separate accounts for our savings. This argument was pretty much the end of our marriage for me.
I opened my own savings account at a different bank than I currently banked through. I didn't have a debit card and if I needed to pull money out I had to physically go to the bank.
I picked up side cleaning jobs for spending money so I wouldn't really touch either account I had.
We went to a sporting event with our children (I have 2 he has one from previous relationships). After the event the kids wanted fast food which was ok by me it was late and I didn't want to cook. He asked me when we won the lottery and I told him I didn't feel like cooking so it was fine and handed him $20.
3 days later, I went to work, apparently he had other decisions, with that came the money in his account that he wanted me to put money into. I came home to the ugliest dam car in our driveway.
He wasn't home, he was at the bar so when he pulled in the driveway I pretended to be sleeping so I wouldn't blow up that night on him. Since he had been drinking for 5 hours I knew it wasn't the best idea anyway.
He was mad at me when I woke up in the morning because I didn't say goodnight to him and was asleep by the time he got home.
He said I don't have to worry because he was going to take a loan out on the car to put the money back in his savings account. The same thing he did with the camper when I gave him money for it. Had I actually given him money to put in the savings account it wasn't our money it was his money. Financial decisions were his and his alone apparently.
I started looking for an apartment when I got to work and within 3 hours I was signing paperwork and getting a cashiers check for a security deposit.
I told him the day before I was moving that I was leaving and he asked me how I could this without taking to him. I said well you bought a car without talking to me first so I got an apartment without your permission.
Filed for divorce on my birthday. Ive been called a gold digger, accused of having an affair and being blamed for his financial problems he is currently in.
The camper I practically paid for and he decided to get a loan on it to have money in his savings account. He doesn't want anymore and said I have to pay for the cost of the loan to get it out from under him when I don't see why I should have to.
Since I gave him cash I don't have a trail on what it was for when I gave him the money nor did he ever put it in the bank after I gave it to him. So if I want the camper I don't really have a choice but to do it. He's asked for cash for the camper and I literally laughed out loud at him and said I did that once already and I'm not doing it again and having to pay additional anymore.
He calls me asking me for the truth and if I was really cheating on him and that caused for me to leave because I wasn't watering his garden. I told him marriages end for others things and not just affairs and told him to seek therapy because he has a lot of unresolved issues from his previous marriages if he assumes I cheated on him.
I'm getting a divorce, after divorce ill be looking to purchase my own home and having absolutely no contact with him. My children and I are thriving already in our little apartment and I'm managing my money very well. He wanted someone to depend on him and need him. That just wasn't me.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
You’re killing it. This is awesome and congratulations!!!
You just lost about 200lbs no Ozempic required.
Good luck! I'll be over here wishing you happiness on Thanksgiving!
Op, if i could i would upvote your post a million times, I’m so proud of you. He thought he had you locked in , and he was definitely planning to put you on an allowance, but you had his number and you showed him.
Op, if you’re in the states , I encourage you to look into habitat for humanity in your state, they have home buyer programs for first time homeowners. Best of luck 🤞🏽
A mother later OP came back with this update:
I'm back! We've been free and clear for a few months now. My children are thriving! Not having to hear their step-dad belittle their dad or make my children feel insignificant has been a big game changer for them. Their dad and I have actually been able to work together, go to sporting event to support our children together and communicate efficiently again.
Still waiting for a divorce though. I didn't have the funds right away to file and apparently he wanted the divorce real bad, but didn't want to file himself? Not entirely sure why that was? I didn't care to ask.
I've deleted him on all socially media including the majority of mutual friends who would aide him. He is some how still managing to have someone inform him of what I post on a day to day. Which are strictly memes about growth, healing, and loving yourself.
I've grown to trust no one but myself and my children. We've been blessed even with a series of unfortunate events.
Aside from here, I have not shared with many people in the rise and fall of our marriage, but I have heard some pretty explicit things when I run into people in public. Which isn't very often, I go to work, home and school activities.
The grocery store is something I go to occasionally but do the majority of my ordering online and picking it up on my way home from work without having to exit the vehicle.
Our interactions with one another have been minimal, but when we do have any conversations he makes sure to call me names, narcissist, whre, Sl, or accuse me of being with my ex-boyfriend. He has accused me of going on dates with this person and said that he still owns me until our divorce is final so I should reconsider who I keep around for company.
I thumb upped the comment. I didn't know talking to my dog was a crime though. Apart of me wishes his accusations were true so I could be like yes, I banged :insert man's name here: and he was much better in the bed than you were...that just isn't my thing. I did laugh pretty hard though, less than a month after moving out a few of his friends asked me out and said they couldn't believe I married him to begin with.
I have had an extreme glow up though. Everyone has noticed my spark return into my life. I have been seeing a therapist for over a year and a half and she has officially cut me back to once every 6 weeks unless something comes up and I HAVE to get an appointment with her.
I am genuinely happy, I journal like I once did before. All of my short fuses have disappeared. I know I don't need a man in my life to define me as a person or who I am. I dont want to date which is another reason we went down to once every 6 weeks and we have discussed what to look for when I am ready to date again.
Which, probably won't be until my children graduate as I want to primarily focus on us and raising them to be independent and that they are worth more than one someone pours into them.
I allowed him to strong arm me, belittle me into thinking I needed him. When all I needed to do was believe in myself. We do not have a lot, but my children have become minimalist and very appreciative of what we do have.
I began speaking positivity everyday into my life before I left him and eventually the positivity began pouring itself back into me and everyone around me. I wasn't sure exactly what to expect, but I knew I needed to not be miserable. Misery loves company ask my stbxh.
Everyone, compliments my smile and the natural glow I have radiating off me. I don't have materials that make me happy, but everyday is worth living because we get a new day everyday to make it better than the last one. Living in the past and stewing on things that could have been differently isn't worth stressing over.
I cried at a friends house while we were having dinner the other night because it was just insane. While I was sitting at the dining room table waiting for my friend and his wife to finish preparing I was twirling my hair and they looked at me, I stopped, dropped my hair I was twirling and apologized, while we were eating dinner my fork hit my front tooth, I set my fork down, apologized and stopped eating.
They asked why? When I explained to them why they were in shock that this is what I was going through. I attempted to wait to eat until they had finished their plates and at that time I would eat.
That is what I would have to do if my fork hit my teeth by accident. Set my silverware down and wait until he was finished so I could eat like a "slob". I cried and sincerely hope that if you or someone you know is being mentally, emotionally abused that it is ok to not be ok and to be strong enough to leave.
He has victimized himself and still projects all his wrong doings back to me. But they don't bug me like they did before. I dont respond anymore. I'm just annoyed that people think my reactions to his behavior makes him the victim. I don't explain, I'm not running him through the mud or trash talking him to others.
I've made my peace and I'll grow from this. I suggested to him he seeks therapy and he told me he is so broken he's unfixable and this is just who he is. I told him it would be beneficial for his daughters and he told me to stfu and leave them out of it.
I hadn't said how much happier we are since leaving, but I did follow up with my stepchild mother to make sure they were OK 3 weeks after moving and again 2 months later. They are doing a lot better. No hard feelings, the things I wanted to say to him I didn't.
I did end up telling him my children have shown an extraordinary change, happier, smiling and anyone who was around during our marriage and after have seen a transformation with them too. That I do not regret leaving in which point he slammed me and my parenting and saying his child hated me for this and that, but I know his child doesn't talk the way he put things.
I said I knew they were ok as I reached out to check on them here and there. My relationship didn't end because of his child and I still cared for the well being of them. He told me I'm creepy for reaching out to his exwife who we've had many conversations since I moved out about their marriage ending, etc.
She even got me in contact with her lawyer to help with the divorce proceedings and things to include in the paperwork.
He told me my next marriage I need to learn that it means giving up my freedom and will and want to do what I want when I want and that I'm a servant to the person I Wed. I responded with I will not be taking marriage advice from someone who has been married and divorced 3x and still thinks they aren't the problem.
My world was crumbling around 7 months ago when I stood in the livingroom of our house crying and pleading for help and changes to help save our marriage and it was a "not my problem" problem to him.
Here I am today, happier, living the way I want to be. Sorry for the long post and rambling through things, but I wanted to update everyone that he still harasses me but I'm unbothered by it. I look forward to what the new year has to offer us. Thank you all for the support and messages and words of encouragement. Stay humble.