'AITA for not letting my MIL see her grandchild after she said she's her daughter?'
"AITA for not letting my MIL see her grandchild after she said she's her daughter?"
I'm really torn on this, and I need some perspective. I'm 33F. My husband died 2 years ago because a drunk driver decided to be an absolutely stupid human, and my husband was unfortunately in the wrong place at the wrong time. We have a 3 year old daughter. She was 1 at the time when her father died.
I was an absolute wreck. I felt like my life came to an end. It wasn't just my husband who died, it was our whole future, the dream of seeing him hold our child's hand as they walked to school. Holding eachother on warm sundays sipping some tea. Everything died.
I wasn't functional, which is bad, because I had my daughter who needed to be taken care of. I was doing the bare minimum - feeding her, changing her diaper, putting her to bed. I barely wanted to look at her - every time I did, I remembered seeing my husband dead in the hospital.
Fortunately, my MIL (who is widowed and only had one child - her son) offered to look after my daughter as I recovered. I remember the phone call with her, and I remember just being absolutely numb to everything.
I remember saying yes, and she came out the next day, took my daughter and some supplies and left. One thing I remember was her barely even asking if I was okay - which is fine, I suppose, because my daughter was the priority at that point.
Anyway. Long story short, the next 6 months after that was the worst months of my life. I went to counselling, moved back home (different country) with my mother and father, and just cried a lifetime worth of tears.
Eventually, I found breathing became easier. Getting out of bed became easier. I wrote a lot. I started eating again. I started hiking again. I found a different me - a me my husband would have liked, I suppose, and a me I grew to accept.
So I moved back to my own home and arranged MIL to come and meet and drop off my daughter. MIL was reluctant, and wanted me to pass a mental health assessment... I assured her I was okay, but I would visit the doctor for a mental health checkup just for her sake.
I visited the doctor, and he said I was mentally healthy, but prescribed some sleeping pills just in case I need them (his words). I decided not to take them, because I just don't need them.
I updated my MIL, and she said that because the doctor gave me medicine which I didn't want take, she didn't feel comfortable with my daughter being taken care of just by me.
To say I was shocked would be a vast understatement. I assured her the doctor said I was healthy, that I was capable of taking care of myself and my child, and that the pills were a "just in case" and was probably prescribed as part of the pharmaceutical money making machine - I don't even really have issues with sleep (7 hours a night, most nights).
She still said that she doesn't think she's comfortable, and asked to move in with me to take care of the child.
I said "No. I do not feel comfortable with you there."
She then said that if she wasn't there to ensure my daughter is taken care, then she isn't going to want to drop her off.
I said "Listen. If you do not give me my ******* daughter back today, I will call the police and have you arrested for child kidnapping."
She then said "She's as much my daughter as she is yours!"
At which point I hung up. I sent her a text which said "I am driving to your home right now. I will wait outside the home until 6pm. (it was about 1pm at the time). If I do not receive (name of daughter) by 6pm, I will call the police, have you arrested for child kidnapping, follow through with the charges, and cut you out of my and my child's life."
Then I drove to her house and sat outside in my car. I saw her curtain flit a few times. After 2 hours, she came out in tears and said that she wants to keep my daughter for my sake as well as my daughter's.
I didn't exchange a word with her. I opened the passenger door, put my daughter in with her car seat, took whatever supplies was present and drove off. MIL kept trying to talk to me, but I was honestly done with her.
It has been about a year since then. I've since softened on the events of what happened.
MIL has tried to contact me every few months, and always sends a card around the holidays, which I've ignored. She turned up in person a couple of time - the last time, she stood outside for 30 mins demanding to see me and my daughter, otherwise she wouldn't leave. I ended up calling the police, who told her she would be trespassed and charged if she did this again.
AITA for continuing to not let her see my daughter?
By the way, myself and my daughter are doing great. I love her, and I have loads of pictures of her father around the house.
On a completely separate note, dating is exhausting, and I've decided not to do it anymore. A dog and a child are enough for me.
Here's what people had to day to OP:
I think… ESH. This post is so focused on you. You had a 1 year old daughter and abruptly left her with a new caregiver. For 6 months. Then abruptly cut that caregiver out of her life again.
You are not the AH for grieving, or even for being unable to function for a while. If you had disappeared for a couple weeks while your MIL stepped in, that would be excusable (note, I am not IN ANY WAY suggesting that you should have been over your grief in that time span).
But you apparently vanished from your daughter’s life for SIX MONTHS to redefine yourself and basically have a spiritual retreat. You had responsibilities, and you completely abdicated them.
I’m not even saying that makes you a terrible person… maybe you needed that to move forward. But if someone I loved dumped their kid on me for 6 months to find themself, you had better believe I’d have serious concerns about turning the child over to them when they show up again and say “ok, I’m good, go away please.”
She gave your daughter back because you threatened to call the cops and charge her with a crime. Let’s be 100% clear. You are super lucky she complied. If it had gone down that path, it is not at all clear the courts would have sided in your favor.
She presumably has proof that you left your kid in her care for half a year while you left the country. She has an extremely strong case for grandparents rights here (which is usually complete nonsense).
The stuff she said to you was out of line and concerning in itself. I agree with the commenter who suggested family therapy. But I am so heartbroken for your child, who was hurt repeatedly during this process, and who is never mentioned in your post as anything more than something you feel entitled to.
It's all conflicting. You couldn't take care of your daughter and even left the country. Came back and demanded her back and basically cut off the person who helped you. Yeah, mil was a bit strange in her behaviour, but she was grieving too, yet she still took very good care of your daughter.
YTA. Ok, so your child spent three years with her parents. Then both parents effectively disappear over night. After two years, you reappear, and then grandmother who she spent half her life with is gone over night.
That poor child - better start saving for the psychotherapy she will need for her abandonment issues when she grows up.
YTA - You abandoned your child. She is your responsibility, you threw her away. And now you want her back like your mother if the year. BS. You're a bad mother, wife and DIL.
Later OP came back and added these edits:
Edit 1: A lot of great perspective. Thanks for contributing.
One thing I want to clarify:
- I understand that a lot of y'all think I abandoned my child. Maybe I did. In counselling, I talked a lot about how pathetic I was, and how unfit I was to be a mother. I hated myself.
One thing I came to realise was that I chose the best path for my daughter and myself at the time - I was NOT fit to be a mother at that time. I left her in the care of someone who I know I could trust to look after her. I didn't just abandon her in the forest, as some of you make it seem.
- During my time away back home, I spoke with my MIL once in the first month, then gradually more frequently after that. Every 2 weeks, then 1 week. By the time it was once every couple of days with video calls, I knew I was ready to come back.
EDIT 2: I just want to clarify EVEN MORE so people understand what the situation was when I accepted MIL's offer to take care of Hol:
- I was NOT THERE. I was physically there and made sure Hol survived, but I was NOT THERE. Do you understand? I was empty and gone. I couldn't even look at her. Do you understand what that does to a child? To have a parent present who can't even look at you in the face? Jesus H Christ...