'AITA for telling my fiancée we should break up because I won't make my son consider her his mom?'
"AITA for telling my fiancée we should break up because I won't make my son consider her his mom?"
I (30m) have custody of my son (10m) and his mom at this present time does not have any visitation or custody with him. She's not stable and can't be trusted to even co-operate with supervised visits. The last time he saw her was 2 years ago, and it was for a supervised visit.
I started dating my fiancée Ellie (28f) when my son was 6 and I introduced them when he was 7. They get along pretty well. He didn't have any issues with me and Ellie or Ellie being around. But he doesn't have a very close bond with her and he hasn't formed the kind of bond where he loves her like a mom or sees her as a mom.
Ellie admitted to me recently that she has an issue with him seeing her as my girlfriend/fiancée and not as a mom to him. She has tried to create that bond with him because she has started to see him as her son.
But he never felt the same. And he corrects anyone assuming she is his mom and she said that hurts her feelings because she's been there for him more than his mom, has worked hard to be a solid presence in his life and provide him with the motherly love that he doesn't get from his mom but it's not enough.
She said she wanted him to get back into therapy and for us to do therapy as a family to get us to that point for the wedding. She said she wants to be able to call him her son and have him call her mom at the wedding and that he won't do it on his own so we need to encourage it.
I asked her why she'd want to force this and she said it's not forcing, it's encouraging and don't I think he needs a mother to be present and love him and teach him everything he needs to know.
She asked how things would work if she remains just Ellie and he goes back to his mom in several years time. She said it wouldn't be good for him but she is and will always be.
I pointed out she could be good for him without forcing him to see her as his mom. She said she'll be good to him regardless but she doesn't like that he doesn't have a mom he can talk to and be guided and loved by.
I told her I wasn't comfortable with any of this. She said I should want to do this for our family and she's not sure she could marry me if that's my attitude. I told her we should break up then because I won't force him to consider her mom.
She wasn't expecting that to be my answer and she asked me why I wouldn't reconsider for my son's sake. I don't believe it would benefit my son to force this. Because even if you call it encouraging all that extra therapy and the pressure of her wish for the wedding feels a lot like force. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Your partner is expecting your son to understand a LOT of grown up concepts. He’s TEN. He doesn’t know what it is to be a mom, he doesn’t necessarily fully grasp his bio mom’s situation. These kinds of things are hard and complicated for a small child to grasp.
It’s great that she’s showing up for him like this, but demanding something in return from a CHILD is a lot of pressure, as you’ve said. You’re protecting your kid’s autonomy and I respect that.
Forcing a title is how you ensure a child never, ever offers it willingly.
Nothing wrong with her loving your boy and treating him like a son. If she does a good job, the mother relationship might well develop organically. However, if she pushes, even a little, it can backfire spectacularly, as we have seen here many, many times. She needs to become comfortable with loving him like a son, but being "Ellie" to him, possibly forever. If she can't do that, you guys really shouldn't get married.
And if she continues loving him and letting the child grow and feel organically, then “Ellie” could become something equal to or even better than “mom” to him. On my mom’s side I have four grandparents: my Baba, my Gamma, my bio grandmother, and my Larry. Guess what Larry means to me? Love is not about titles, it’s about feelings.
Does she not understand that she can consider him her son without him feeling the same way? That relationships take time especially with kids? She’s putting too much pressure on your kid.
I’m wondering if the “mom” title is too loaded for everybody. Your son has her stabilizing presence and love. The three of you operate as a family, true? It sounds as if Ellie DOES focus on the meaningful qualities of her relationships- can she define why the Mom Title is a sticking point?
Son feels the way he feels, you cannot demand the change. And as he grows he WILL change, maybe surprising everybody. Therapy is a fine idea, just not with the goal of making son pretend Ellie is his mother. Good luck.
Charrylzoid (OP)
It's not just about the title but about being seen as his mom. We both know he doesn't. He doesn't call us his parents collectively. He doesn't call her mom. He uses her name and has said she's my girlfriend when talking about who he lives with.
So we function as a family. He mentions her when talking about his family. He just hasn't begun to see her in the parental sense. Ellie wants to be seen as this and as more than just a parent but as his mom. That's her goal for therapy.
NTA as you’re allowed to break up with any one at any time for any reason. I don’t like this whole, she wants him to call him mum at the wedding, what’s that got to do with anything if she was being genuine she wants that type of relationship. A wedding should have nothing to do with it.
Oh, goodie, weaponized therapy. Explain to her that if you go to therapy it will be to explain to her why it's inappropriate to "encourage" anyone to call their stepmom mom. Or run. Man, this is bad news for your kid. You probably need to do some digging to see how she acts when you aren't around.