'AITA because I won't tell my wife how much my son has in savings from my late wife?'
"AITA because I won't tell my wife how much my son has in savings from my late wife?"
My wife (40s) and I (40s) have a blended family. I have a 16 year old son with my late wife. My wife has a 13 year old daughter and a 12 year old son with her ex-husband and they share custody. We have a 4 and a 2 year old together.
When my late wife was sick she told me she wanted a % of the compensation she was issued for her medical misdiagnosis to go to our son's savings. She also had a second savings account she wanted to add to it.
This was on top of what the two of us had saved for him before her illness. I honored her wishes and I continued saving for our son's future. This is a promise I made to my late wife that I have stood by. I also promised I would protect it and make sure it was only ever for him, nobody else.
When my present wife and I started seriously dating we talked about what saving would look like for our kids if/when we married. She knew I had always saved as had my late wife.
We didn't discuss how much either of us had saved for our existing kids but we agreed to an amount every month that would be saved for all three and this was talked about again when we had children together.
Recently there has been a lot of stress on my wife. Her ex has refused to discuss my step kids savings and if he pays anything or not. She also feels like we haven't been able to save enough every month like promised because it was just one thing after another. There are month's we've missed because of things beyond our control. Life stuff mostly like things breaking, etc.
A few weeks ago my wife told me we should put all the cards on the table and discuss what all five kids have and decide how we proceed with making sure everyone gets what they need for the future.
I told her I would happily discuss what I have saved for my oldest, but I would not be discussing the money left by his mom. She pushed back on it and said all the money should be taken into consideration.
I told her we don't know what all the money is. I said our parents could be saving money for the kids' futures, her ex could have money for my stepkids, his parents could have money for my stepkids. We can't say for certainty what everyone will have at the end and it's only fair to discuss what she and I have and can save.
She told me it sounds like I don't trust her. I responded by asking why she wants to know this so badly. By only talking about what we've saved we're on an even footing. She told me if we knew everything we could focus on the kids who will have less a little more.
That our younger two are probably going to be the worst off long term and she would be open to combining all the money and dividing it. I told her I was not on board with that and what my son has from his mom is not going to be shared or used for any of the other kids.
We argued about it but I refused to say. She feels like that's wrong when we're married. I told her it's not my money, nor is it her money or money that we can or should be accessing. It's from my late wife to our son and that's all there is to it.
My wife said she feels like I'm keeping her in the dark and not trusting her with something important. She said it cuts her ability to fully engage in conversations we need to be able to have and decisions we need to make as a couple. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
It’s your son’s money it’s from his mother. Full stop end of story 4 out of your 5 kids have 2 parents. Your wife sounds like she doesn’t understand fairness. NTA.
You need to make sure that she can not legally access that money should something happen to you.A trustee or sone other arrangement.
The moment she said “combine and divide,” every alarm bell should’ve gone off. That money was never meant to be shared among all the kids, it was a promise between you and your late wife. Get a trustee ASAP.
I can't help but wonder if she's done some digging and found a bank statement or something and feels like that money saved there should be divided among them all (including her).
Stick to your guns here and keep a close eye on your wife, it sounds like she may be the type to start treating your son poorly because of this situation, and it wouldn't shock me if she started trying to guilt him into splitting the money or accessing it for her. Money does weird stuff to people. Protect your son AND yourself.
Your wife knows exactly what she's doing. The moment you tell her is the moment she starts making plans for money that isnt hers. She will demand you split the money between all of the kids. Its none of her business and she doesn't need to know.
Nope, NTA. That's his inheritance from his dead mother, and is not for anyone else. Is it possible she's been snooping and found out how much he has already? I find it odd she didn't care until recently, something sparked her drive to know.
Jimverseen (OP)
She doesn't know. If she did she would have brought it up already with the stress of everything.
NTA. I don’t see why she is struggling with the concept that money is from another woman to her own child and that money has no place being “split evenly” with your new wife’s children. That money is spoken for and not a communal resource.