'AITA if I write my niece out of my will after she was rude to me at her bat mitzvah?'

"AITA for reconsidering who I’m leaving my estate to after my niece acted like a total snob at her bat mitzvah and is generally snobby?"

I (40s) don’t have children of my own, but am dating someone with kids that I get along with, and a while ago I set up a trust that leaves everything I own to my nieces.

This includes my house, car, and pension. I even added stipulations that they have to reach a certain age or education before accessing the funds, though the trust can cover education and medical expenses if needed. I realize that if I get married with my girlfriend, I would probably change the trust anyway to her and the kids.

This past weekend, I flew halfway across the country to attend one of my niece’s bat mitzvahs. She’s in her early teens. I was honestly shocked by how materialistic and snobby she acted. Even her parents were joking about it and roasting her a bit, which I think was their way of trying to make light of how over the top she was being.

There was a professional photographer at the party, and at one point I asked if we could take a picture together. She brushed me off with a quick “not now,” and then never came back to it. I understood she had friends there, but she didn’t even make an effort to come find me later. I had traveled a long way to be there and really wanted a photo together.

The next morning I asked again for just one quick picture of us before we left, and she said she was too busy. I told her it would literally take a minute, and eventually she came over, but it felt forced and awkward. The whole weekend left a bad taste in my mouth.

I know she’s a teenager and maybe it’s just a phase, but she was so dismissive and rude that I honestly didn’t even give her the bat mitzvah gift I brought. It didn’t feel like she would appreciate it. I felt really sad afterward because I used to be close with her when she was little. I was there a lot during her first few years and even after they moved away, I stayed in touch and texted her often.

Now I’m wondering if I should rethink my trust altogether. It’s not about punishing her, but it really opened my eyes to how different her values are turning out to be. It made me question whether she’s the kind of person I want to leave everything to if something happens to me. So, AITAH for thinking about changing my will after how she acted?

This is what people had to say to OP:

North-Ship-4461 said:

NTA. Who you leave your estate to is solely your own choice. Maybe she will change in which case you can change your will. Either way, how you chose to handle your estate is your decision alone.

moominsmama said:

You are NTA either way, it's your money and you don't owe her anything. I have a feeling, though, that you are looking for something more meaningful than this. So I'm going to tell you what you already know: lots of teenagers act shitty at this age, it's not necessarily an indicator of the kind of person she is. If she is having a Bat Mitzwa, she is technically not even a teenager.

She is just at the beginning of trying to figure out who she is, her social skills probably suck, her empathy doesn't apply to anyone older than 16, and she probably thinks she knows everything. You say you used to be close when she was a little girl, but this was several years ago - to a kid, it's an eternity, she probably barely remembers those times.

Also, from your post I gather that this was a huge event, not unlike a wedding, in terms that it was very stressful and emotional. A reminder: teenagers feel every emotion can hold, but have no idea yet how to handle them.

I would talk to her parents and told them how this made me feel. How you spent all this time and money come see her and she couldn't even be bothered to spend 5 minutes with you. Don't mention money, you don't want this to be the reason things change. Now that the celebration is over her parents might very well be willing to tell her how and why she was in the wrong. See what happens.

In other words - don't rush to any decisions. Try to work to resolve this, don't just walk away angry like this is the end of the relationship.

OP responded:

I appreciate this thoughtful response. You are right it is probably a phase. It was disappointing but I’m hopeful she changes. They were literally roasting her for buying things and never using them and basically for being a brat.

When I left the fit on the table, after that I realized I probably would’ve been judged for how much I left but I have my own life circumstances and what I was going to leave was a lot for me, including especially since we flew out four people just for her bat mitzvah.

I’ll leave it as is and there are stipulations that I think she has to reach 30 if she doesn’t go to college or 25 if she does go to college, but I’m hopeful I’ll still be alive for those events lol and that the inheritance will be much further in the future. Who knows, at that time I may be married didn’t have kids or step kids in my own. At that point, I’ll need to make decision. Thanks again.

jensmith20055002 said:

There is a reason 8th grade is thee worst to teach. 13 year olds are assholes. Then many/most of them grow up and by senior year they are almost human again. If mom and dad are spoiling her, she could continue on the path to permanent Karenhood, or she could become a wonderful person.

I'm not sure why this is an either / or situation. If you get married again, could the trust be split 4 ways? 70% to wife 10% to niece, 10% to step 10% to other step?

And OP responded:

Her mom’s exactly the same way as she is, and I think they’re raising her to be like this. I never got along well with my sister-in-law because of her tendencies to be like this. I think they’re roasting her because they see a lot in her that they do themselves. They both are very materialistic.