'AITA for writing a journal for my kids about life after I’m gone, even though they say it's 'too much?'
"AITA for writing a journal for my kids about life after I’m gone, even though they say it's 'too much?'"
I (57M) recently started filling out a prompt based guided journal called When I’m Gone by Corwin Harlan. It’s meant to be something my kids can read after I pass filled with messages, life advice, memories, and little things I’ve never said out loud.
I’m not sick or anything just feeling that I’ve entered a phase in life where I want to leave something meaningful behind. I never had this from my own parents, and maybe that’s why I feel it matters more.
The thing is, my daughter (25F) recently found it on my desk and said it was kind of morbid and too heavy. She said it made her feel anxious like I’m preparing to die soon or hiding some bad health news (which I’m not). My son (28M) also said I’m overthinking and should just enjoy life.
Now I’m second-guessing myself. I never meant to scare them or make them uncomfortable. I just wanted to put down things I’ve always wanted to say in case I never get the chance.
AITA for doing this even if it unsettles them?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
thechaoticstorm wrote:
NAH. It is scary to think about losing your parents. It is understandable why they panicked when they saw it. That doesn't make them AHs at all. Seeing something like that would probably make me think something was wrong, too. All the same, you're not an AH for recording your memories. There are many things from my grandparents that I wish I had.
OP responded:
Yeah, you’re right. Their reaction honestly made sense they were genuinely scared. I guess I would’ve panicked too if I saw something like that out of the blue. But I really started writing it just from the heart, you know? Sometimes it feels like memories only stay real when you put them into words. And hearing someone like you say that it actually made me feel a bit lighter. Thanks, really.
Agreeable-Review2064 wrote:
Keep doing it but don’t talk to them about it. It is “too much” right now but they’ll be glad to have it later.
OP responded:
Yeah, I think you’re right. Sometimes it's just better to quietly keep going and let time do the explaining. Hopefully one day they'll look back and be grateful for it.
IllTemperedOldWoman wrote:
Hi! An ill-tempered old woman here! I told my kids they had permission to either read or destroy my diaries after I was gone. They didn't want to hear about it either, but it's because they don't want to deal with that reality before it happens.
The same offer remains open and I don't push that dialog. Keep doing it. They are likely to want to hold on to a piece of you when you really are gone, but not before. As an aside, my diaries are pre-censored. No s#$, no drugs. A bit of rock and roll! NTA ofc.
OP responded:
That actually made me smile a little. I think there’s something beautiful about leaving behind some real memories, thoughts, stories. And yeah, you're right most people just don’t want to face that reality until they have to. But once you're gone, those little pieces of you might mean everything. And hey, a little rock and roll never hurts.
SlightlyTwistedGames wrote:
No child likes to think about the mortality of their parents. When my mother passed, we found the journal she had been keeping for years. She had left a note saying she wanted us to read it. I'm very glad for that journal. It allowed me to see my mother through adult eyes as a person who was a mother, not just my mother.
OP responded:
That part hit me hard. I think that’s exactly why I started writing so one day, they’d see me beyond just “mom” or “dad,” and maybe understand the choices I made. Your story gave me chills. Thank you for sharing that.
NoExtension7240 wrote:
I think that is so dang beautiful and I wish my mom did that for me. Maybe they don't like the idea now, but it isn't exactly easy to be reminded that your parents are going to die someday and so are we. Write it, no need to tell them more about it. It might be something they appreciate when they are older & you are gone.
OP responded:
Wow, I totally feel that. It’s not easy to sit with the fact that our parents won’t always be around and honestly, that’s why I started doing this. I actually think kids should gift something like this to their parents too.
My daughter gave me a journal called Letters to My Dad by the same author this past Father’s Day, and that’s what led me to discover When I’m Gone. It hit me hard in the best way. These things really stay with you, more than anyone realizes in the moment.
spymatt wrote:
NTA and just do it. Coming from someone who lost both parents, and I'm not even 40 yet, it stings. I have a screenshot of the last messages my mom and I exchanged, and will NEVER get rid of them, same with my dad. The problem is that there are times I need advice, and I can't get it from them now.
There are also things that I'm finding out about what they both thought and are proud of, and they never got the chance to tell me. Your kids may not appreciate now but they will in the future. I'm tearing up now, and that doesn't happen very often.
OP responded:
Thank you for sharing that. I’m really sorry you went through such a huge loss so young. What you said hit me especially the part about needing advice and not being able to ask. That’s exactly what I’m trying to prevent for my own kids someday. I hope what I’m doing ends up meaning as much to them as those messages mean to you. Really appreciate your words.
pys70p wrote:
NAH. Your kids (obviously) aren't in the same stage of life you're in, and they want to live life to the fullest and not be reminded about anyone's mortality, much less yours. You, older, are naturally starting to think about life and death and what you'll leave behind when you go.
It's natural for you to think about these things, and it's natural for them to think it's morbid and unnecessary. When you pass, they'll be looking for small ways to feel your presence, and I think this journal sounds like a thoughtful way to give them that.
OP responded:
Exactly this. I don’t blame them for feeling weird about it now when you’re younger, d**th feels far away. But one day, those pages will mean the world. I think it’s one of the most meaningful things you could leave behind.
Ashi13x wrote:
NTA. I understand where your kids are coming from and I would react in a similar way if my mom started doing this (but she had cancer, and she did hide it from me at first), but later, as in a lot later, I would be grateful to have something like that. This is a great memoir, way more valuable than some trinket.
OP responded:
Yeah, that makes total sense. It’s hard to process something like this in the moment, especially when emotions are high. But over time, I think it becomes clear how much it actually means. Trinkets fade or break, but words they stay.
Sweet_Cinnabonn wrote:
Keep doing it.
Don't put it off. If you live another 40 years, you'll have a scrapbook of your thoughts at a younger time. But my mom died when I was 30, she hadn't planned for it at all. I'd have appreciated something.
I've been putting together a binder of the bills and stuff, life insurance, the mortgage. So it's all organized, just in case. NAH, they are young and don't understand. But reassure them a lot.
OP responded:
I’m really sorry about your mom. That must’ve been incredibly hard. What you’re doing now.organizing things, putting thoughts down.that’s honestly one of the most loving things someone can do for their family.
It’s not about being morbid, it’s about making sure they’re not left in the dark when everything feels overwhelming. Thank you for sharing this. It really helps me feel more certain that I’m doing the right thing.