'AITA for telling another parent they're wrong to blame my daughter when their kid is in my home?'
"AITA for telling another parent they're wrong to blame my daughter when their kid is in my home?"
LeastKangaroo2589
My daughter Arya (13f) has been best friends with Lilah (13f) since they went to the same preschool together. They're always spending time together and have a bigger group of friends but know each other the longest and are the closest with each other. Lilah's family situation is a little difficult. And her mom went a little crazy on me last week which led to a conflict.
To sum up the current problem. Lilah has a blended family. It's her mom, her stepdad, some stepsiblings and some half siblings. Lilah has expressed that she doesn't feel close to them.
She always emphasizes that she has no real siblings and that even her half siblings are just half siblings and they're not her dad's kids too. I have heard her tell Arya how much it bugs her when people say her step and half siblings are just siblings. But they don't talk about it too often.
Lilah's mother showed up at my house last week and blamed Arya for Lilah's use of the step and half terms. She said she heard the girls talk about it and them say step and half siblings aren't real siblings.
She said she knows that must have come from Arya because she has been fighting Lilah for years to stop saying step and half. I asked her how that even made sense. She told me Arya must be the source and I told her Lilah says that whether Arya is around or not and she's wrong to blame Arya for how Lilah feels.
Lilah's mother then told me I should be watching over the girls whenever they're in my home or my presence and correcting Lilah whenever she uses step, half, or says they're not her real family.
I told Lilah's mother she couldn't seriously expect me to listen to them 24/7 so I can correct Lilah and it's too much for her to expect me to do when her kid is over to play with mine.
She was not happy with me at all. She told me I can't say Arya isn't to blame and in the same breath refuse to correct Lilah when she says something wrong. She told me I just want to let them get away with saying stuff and I don't do enough for Lilah.
Even though Lilah spends more time at my house than she does her own. In the same breath Lilah's mother said her husband is so sick of Lilah refusing to cooperate there and she needs to be here more so I can correct her. I told her she really is expecting too much. She told me I was a witch and a terrible person. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Kris82868
NTA. The girl is a teenager. She knows the terminology. Nobody needs to plant seeds in her head when it comes to how she views her family dynamics.
LeastKangaroo2589 OP responded:
Agreed and also, she admits it's been years. Why all of a sudden is it someone else's fault.
Ariesinnc3017
You said it yourself, her hubby is getting annoyed. Her kid isn’t falling in line. Poor kid. This isn‘t your problem to fix. You provide a safe environment where the girls get to enjoy each other’s company. This does not include fighting her on how she views her family. If her mom can’t do it, how can you?
GreekAmericanDom
NTA. Lilah's mom is one of those remarried divorcees who want their child from her previous marriage to happily accept her new husband and family as if it is perfect. That's utter BS, but correcting language is much easier than actually listening and showing empathy for a position that makes you out to be an AH.
GandalfDGreenery
NTA. Though it sounds like you could have a friendly, positive little conspiracy with the girls. I mean if you sit them down and explain to them that if Lilah's mother thinks you and Arya are a bad influence, then she can stop Lilah spending time at your house.
However, if she thinks you are a good influence, Lilah may be able to spend more time at your house, and away from what sounds like a rough home situation for her. Maybe she could drop the step/half around her family, but you won't correct her at yours.
That way she gets a slightly more peaceful home life, and also gets to escape it without getting grief for hanging out with bad influences who don't try to mandate her feelings.
LeastKangaroo2589 OP responded:
That's an idea. I'm not sure how willing Lilah will be to go for it but it could possibly help. Though it sounds like her stepdad wants her out of the house as much as possible so maybe her mom won't interfere too much.
The_Amazing_Username
NTA- you are providing a safe space for a child that doesn’t have a safe home… do what’s best for the child.
PenaltyAdditional968
NTA, it's clearly not your job to parent her child on this matter and it's patently ridiculous of her to suggest otherwise. Blaming your child as the 'source' of her daughter's issues is also ridiculous.
Might a good friend validate a friend's feelings on this complex matter? Sure. Could that validation reinforce a particular view? Sure. Does that put your daughter at fault? Nope. Sound's like the mother's behaving in a very emotionally immature way, which perhaps explains why they have this problem in the first place.
NaryaGenesis
She is heading down the path of no contact real fast. This kid will throw her and her husband and the kids out of her life so fast as soon as she can the mom’s head will spin. She needs to respect Lilah’s feelings and decision. You should have told her off but generally NTA.