'AITA for yelling at my MIL because she bought shoes for my kids?' UPDATED

"AITA for yelling at my MIL because she bought shoes for my kids?"

I have 2 kids and I am currently 7 months pregnant, and I am a stay at home parent. My kids are in grade school and preschool.

When my second child was born I developed post partum depression, and my MIL started helping out with the kids more. I was very grateful at first, and I was able to get medicated and start therapy. However, it seems that my husband has enlisted her to help out more and more.

She picks up the kids from their school every day, she will pack lunches for them and drop them off a few times a week, she insists they sleep over at her place on Friday nights and now sometimes saturdays. My kids have told me she has told them that I am too sick sometimes to take care of them and they’re lucky to have her. Which is true in the past but not now.

I have told my husband that I am capable of picking them up from school, and she doesn’t need to always bring them lunches and all these other little things. She says she is retired and has nothing better to do, and that he’s worried about me that I’m too stressed out with the baby coming and dealing with the kids already. I feel stressed because I feel like she is taking on the role of mother for me!

yesterday she picked the kids up and was 2.5 hours late dropping them off. She doesn’t have a cellphone so I was panicking thinking the worst case scenario had happened, and she came home and said she took them to the mall to buy them sandals for summer because my husband had mentioned they need them.

I had told my husband that, but I also said that I would take them shopping this weekend because I want to do things with my kids! I ended up yelling at her in front of the kids telling her that she is not their mom and that she needs to tell me where she went.

My husband is upset and said I acted inappropriately because she was just being helpful and I shouldn’t have yelled in front of the kids. He also said it might not be best for me to go to the mall with them since I am so pregnant.

I asked a Facebook moms group for advice but they said I’m in the wrong because I should be grateful for having so much extra help, but I feel crazy like I’m losing my kids to my MIL. Am I wrong? Should I apologize?

EDIT: I have tried discussing boundaries with her and him but they both just say I am hormonal or unstable, and then they sometimes use that as an excuse to say she should help more.

They have already decided without me thay when the baby is born she will watch the kids at her house for 2 weeks so I can settle in when I don’t want that. If anyone has advice on how to set boundaries when the people involved have decided that you are unreliable and don’t know your own feelings please let me know.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

NTA, but you should be approaching this differently. Text her "thank you so much for all your help MIL, but I don't need you to pick the kids up from school. Going forward I'll be doing drop offs and pick ups. Thanks for all you've done for us!" And then do it. Take her off the pick up list. Show up even if she insists she's going to do it.

"Thanks MIL, but I want to get extra bonding time in with the kids before the baby comes, so we're going to pause on sleepovers and we will decide how we want to move forward after the baby gets here. Thanks for understanding!"

" I really appreciate how you've helped over the past year, but I really miss making them lunches" "oh MIL thank you but I already have their lunches packed! This will just go to waste you should take it home with you."

You keep telling your husband and expecting them to adjust for you, and they made it clear they won't. So you do it. Take your kids back. If they insist on sleepovers, pop them in the car and leave before she shows up for Friday pickups.

See if you can get in for some emergency marriage counseling too. When she brings up the two week thing after birth again, just say "no that won't be happening" and don't discuss it further.

OP responded:

Thank you I am going to try to do these but I am worried my husband will get upset with me and accuse of me of causing drama. I don’t know why I get scared to take charge with my own kids in this situation I just feel extremely ganged up on.

BigTittyCowGf said:

NTA. Your MIL took ur kids for 2 hours without telling you where she went? Idk how ppl are saying Y T A for being upset about that. I would be panicking as well, that is completely inappropriate of her.

Also your husband seems to be dismissing your feelings completely and deciding what you need for you? That is a red flag. I agree with people saying the issue is with your husband bc why is he not listening to you at all???

YeeHawMiMaw said:

So - is YOUR mom in the picture? It may be time to call in the big guns. Can you get her involved to "push out" your MIL? Invite her to visit/stay with you for the first 2 weeks with the new baby with the express reason of taking care of your boys?

If not, then you need to talk to your OB/GYN or someone independent about this - just in terms of making sure you have some things on record so they don't start gaslighting you after the baby is born. NTA.

OP responded:

my mom lives In another part of the country I moved here with my husband when I was pregnant with the second kid because he got a job here and that’s when I became a SAHM. Also MIL and my mom do not get along but yes this is probably the best advice I have gotten so far.

ServelanDarrow said:

NAH but you need to sit down with your husband and MIL and set some boundaries.

And OP responded:

I have tried but they just say that I’m pregnant and hormonal and they are worried about me. I feel stressed not because I am pregnant but because of this, she has even said that when the baby is born she can keep the older kids for two weeks while I settle in with the baby and I do not want that but my husband agrees that it would be a good idea

She later shared this update:

I’ve called my mom and she is going to come close to the due date and stay with us after I give birth. Some of these comments are giving me more stress because I don’t think I am being abused but this has given me a lot to think about so I’m grateful that my mom is able to come.

She was horrified to hear that my MIL and husband were planning to take my kids away for 2 weeks, so thankfully that won’t be happening.

I am going to talk to him about couples counselling as well and see if that can help with this.

Also the reason I haven’t just done the things is because I am nervous if I show up at the school when she is planned to do it I will be causing problems by “wasting her time” since she does not have a cellphone so I can’t let her know ahead of time. I also do make their lunches but my mil will either bring them right after school, or before I have a chance to make them for the next day.

If I make lunch sometimes my husband will give it to the kids as a snack because it’s already been done for the next day. I could make lunch for the next day in the morning before dropping them off for school, or during the day when I am home but that’s just not what I am used to but I could do that going forward.

I am capable of doing these things, I guess everyone has a point I should be stronger and just take action but I feel like I would be causing more problems since these things have already been decided for me and it feels like two against one telling me that I shouldn’t.