'AITA for yelling at my sister that my wedding is not her wedding?' 'Her partner died in a motorcycle accident.'
"AITA for yelling at my sister that my wedding is not her wedding?"
I (29F) am planning my wedding for September of this year. It’s the end of summer and also the month I met my fiancé. My sister, Cat (33F), was supposed to get married five years ago, but her partner died in a motorcycle accident.
She was devastated, and had a hard time. Since then, she’s been very gloomy, and her relationships don’t last long. She goes to therapy on and off. When I told my family that I was getting married, Cat was visibly sad, so my mom asked me to involve her in the planning and to ask for her opinion to make her feel part of it.
However, she didn’t agree with my choice of September, thinking it’s a bad month for a wedding. She also didn’t like the colors I picked or the dress I wanted. I tried to listen to her sometimes.
At one point, she said, "I can't believe you'll be the first daughter MY (not our) father is going to walk down the aisle." I was gutted by her comment. I’m not having a religious ceremony; my fiancé's best friend got a license to officiate our marriage, so it’s not that serious.
With that in mind, I’m planning the wedding to reflect our personalities. My best friend suggested that the bridesmaids wear different colored dresses, but my sister didn’t agree.
She made some comments like, "It’ll look like a gay pride parade," and "You’re turning your wedding into a gay wedding by listening to all your of friend’s suggestions." Yes, my best friend is gay, but we have similar tastes, so his opinions are highly valued because they match mine.
Last week, we were organizing the entrance of our bridesmaids and best men. In our culture, we call them "godfathers/godmothers," and they enter together. I told her that my best friend would enter with his boyfriend.
My sister then said my wedding was going to be "an absolute circus" and that, as my older sister, she should make me see reason. She insisted that two men shouldn’t enter the ceremony together because not all guests would understand and appreciate it. Her comments were very annoying and homophobic.
She continued with her remarks and even called my fiancé to get his opinion. At some point, I was fed up and yelled, "You’re out of line because this is my wedding and not yours. Have your own wedding and plan it as you want." I was very angry, and my mom came from the garden to see what was happening.
Cat started crying and went to her room. It’s been five days, and she’s giving me the silent treatment. She told my mom that she won’t be attending my wedding. It’s very annoying; she tries to make me feel uncomfortable. For example, if she’s in the kitchen and I enter, she leaves.
Yesterday, my mom said I should apologize because my sister is fragile and this topic makes her suffer. However, I don’t think I’m that much of an ahole. My mom said that yelling at her was an ahole move, even if I was right.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Someday_wonderful said:
NTA I am sorry for your sisters loss, truly. It sounds as though she has yet to finish her grieving process and this is very very triggering for her. Every bride deserves the wedding they want as long as it’s done with respect and in congruency with their partners wishes. Everyone else is a sidelined and attendee.
Your sister is ruining what should be a joyful time. Your mom is enabling her behavior by making you the bad guy. You need to sit your parents down and discuss with them all the things your sister has done and tell them she clearly needs help and you don’t appreciate having to put up with her mis treatment of you because she’s in a fragile state.
Your happiness is just as important as her grief. She’s planning the wedding her and her finance would have had not ready to accept this is YOUR ceremony and day.
Curious-One4595 said:
NTA. Apparently it’s family members sticking up for shitty people who act shitty to the point one loses their temper around them day. Yes, adults like OP should be able to control their temper and moderate their behavior. But -
We have a saying for this - people who can dish it out but not take it. People like OP’s sister can’t expect to be aggressively rude, demeaning, negatively opinionated, and unpleasant without having some pushback on that. And if they ignore more gentle social cues, they’re going to get a verbal shotgun unloaded in their face.
Tell your mom that the problem isn’t that sister is too sensitive, it’s that she’s too insensitive and maybe your mom should get on that problem with some belated parenting efforts to help your sister adjust course out of being sh$tty.
Parasamgate said:
NTA. Why isn't your mom telling your sister she's right she just said it a little harshly? Because mom doesn't want the hassle. Sister needs therapy to move forward.
hikergirl26 said:
I would not have lasted as long a you before exploding. Sorry for your sister's loss but it seems obvious that her being involved was bad for both of you. Maybe this is what she needed to start moving on. Your mother is the AH because she forced this on you and is the one making your wedding about your sister. Good luck with your wedding. NTA.
canyonemoon said:
NTA. It's been five years. If she is still so fragile, that she cannot bear to see anyone happy and planning an event that she also should have had, then she might want to look into more intensive grief counseling and therapy.
This is your wedding, not hers. Your mother is out of line for guilttripping you and catering to your sister's feelings over yours when the topic is your wedding.
I'm very sorry for your sister's loss, she deserved her wedding and spouse, but she needs to let go of making your wedding hers, and she also might need more professional help in order to properly move on.
fanofthethings said:
You’re not obligated to answer to people who haven’t earned it. She hasn’t earned it. Respect yourself enough to set boundaries where she is concerned. You are NTA. She is. Big hugs!
Potential_Beat6619 said:
NTA - You had to tell her the only way she could understand. It's your wedding and not hers, nothing to apologize for. Her struggles aren't your problem.