'AITA for yelling at my deaf cousin for video chatting with my ex?' MAJOR UPDATE
"AITA for yelling at my deaf cousin for video chatting with my ex?"
Context: My (27m) cousin (17m) is deaf and uses sign language. He's planning on going to uni in September and is in the process of applying for student loans. My aunt and uncle are helping him with the forms and stuff but insisting he makes the phone calls himself so he can be 'independent'.
For this he uses a video relay service where he will have a sign language interpreter on video call signing to him and speaking verbally to whoever on the phone. I was at their house and walked into the room to see him on video chat with my ex-gf (26f) who I broke up with way back in 2013-14.
I loved this girl and I was determined to marry her until I saw some messages on her phone that indicated she was being unfaithful. The betrayal was incredibly traumatising to me and I've never brought myself to date since. I LOST it. I marched over there and screamed into the camera that she had some nerve showing her face in my family again after everything she did.
I was furious at her sheer nerve to start flirting with my COUSIN of all people and wondering why the hell she wasn't done torturing me, seven years later. I turned on my cousin, who was angrily signing at me (I don't sign) before my aunt came in asking what the hell was going on.
I asked him what he was playing at and he said he was trying to sort something out with student finance. I guess in the 7-8 years since we broke up my ex has learned to sign and gotten a job as an interpreter but I still think it's inappropriate for her to be assisting my cousin.
I asked him why he would accept her help and he said he didn't remember who she was and calls are randomly assigned. I couldn't believe he forgot who she was and I'm CERTAIN she was flirting to get at me. My aunt told me to leave and not come back until I calm down and apologise. I think my reaction, while emotionally-driven, was justified. AITA?
The commenters had lot to say.
SonuvaGumderson wrote:
YTA. Big time. How the hell are you so sure she was flirting?
OP responded:
She was smiling and laughing. She has a very flirtatious sort of face/demeanor/whatever you want to call it.
SonuvaGumderson wrote:
So, she often acts like this?
OP responded:
It was one of the things we fought about. She always said she was just 'being friendly' but I don't see the need to 'be friendly' when you're just interpreting phone calls for someone.
blueconlan wrote:
That’s just customer service? If you don’t smile and laugh when appropriate you get fired.
unusualteapot wrote:
And I’m pretty sure that facial expression is a crucial part of sign language. So it was probably literally a part of her job. YTA OP. You are clearly projecting your own issues onto this event. And to be honest you seem to have had issues with jealousy even prior to your break up 8 years ago.
Arthropod_King wrote:
how could you argue with your cousin if he's deaf and you don't sign?
OP responded:
My aunt (his mum) was in the room by that point, having heard me yelling, and was interpreting. He can also lip read.
O_Elbereth wrote:
He was 9 or 10 when you broke up and he was your cousin, not your brother. I feel pretty comfortable believing he didn't remember her. As to whether she knew who he was, I don't know. As to whether she was flirting with him - whether to get to you or just because - seems unlikely with the age gap, him still being a minor, and her job being interpreting; she'd be running a big risk flirting with him for any reason.
You OTOH really need to get some therapy because this should not still be so present in your emotions 7-8 years later, such that a glimpse of her makes you explode and you haven't dated anyone else. Yes, YTA, and you need to talk this out with a professional.
The next day, OP shared an update.
Okay okay you guys all seem pretty convinced I am TA I get it. Women and disabled people are always in the right. You'll be happy to hear that some of my family members agree with you.
1.) My brother and his wife took this opportunity to smugly inform me that they have been badgering me to get help for years and pointed out that I shouldn't 'fly off the handle' at someone who wronged me when she was a teenager.
2.) My mum thinks I was quite justified and she would have done the same.
3.) My aunt and uncle have contacted the video relay company to personally apologise on my behalf in case the experience 'distressed' my ex at all and assured them that I would not be allowed in the room while my cousin was on the phone again.
4.) My stepdad, who wasn't around when all this went down, has arranged for me to have anger management without my say so but I'll go I guess. He says it's highly unlikely that my ex and cousin recognised one another at all as he was ten when we broke up and he has aged considerably since she last saw him.
I suppose on some level there's some truth in all that and maybe I didn't think it through, as you've pointed out, but I still think my anger upon seeing her was justified. She just seemed far happier than she deserves with a new haircut and new job. I always expected her to be working at McDonald's with a shiftless wasteman while I moved up and got my PHD and stuff. Guess you can't have everything in life.
The commenters did not hold back one bit.
historychickie wrote:
Your mom is an incredible enabler...and keep digging you've made yourself look like more of an AH. Your cousin and ex were in the right because they actually didn't do anything wrong, you are the one that had a total temper tantrum. Go to anger management and I'd suggest therapy also if you're this angry after 10 freakin years.
NotAValidBratwurst wrote:
Plot twist: your mum is also an AH.
BibliophileBabe0509 wrote:
WOW! You just don’t know when to quit bro. You’ve managed to make yourself an EVEN BIGGER AH. I’m glad you have some rational family members. You and your mom need therapy. YTA.