'AITA for yelling at my wife when she didn't back me after our friend almost pushed me in a pool?' UPDATED
"AITA for yelling at my wife when she didn't back me up after our friend almost pushed me into a pool?"
I (34M) have never been a strong swimmer. I can tread water if needed, but I generally avoid swimming when possible. This is something my wife Anna (32F) knows and has always respected.
Last weekend, we were at a barbecue at our friends Dave and Sarah's house. They have a nice backyard pool and most people were planning to swim. I politely declined when everyone started changing into swimwear, saying I'd just hang out poolside. My wife went swimming with the others while I enjoyed watching from a safe distance.
After about an hour, my friend Dave started insisting I join them. I kept saying no, explaining I wasn't comfortable swimming. He laughed it off and said, "Come on, don't be boring!" I continued to refuse, getting increasingly uncomfortable with his pressuring.
Things escalated when Dave started approaching me with this mischievous grin, saying, "Sometimes you just need a little push!" He actually grabbed my arm and started pulling me toward the pool. I panicked and pulled away, nearly falling in the process. I was genuinely frightened and shouted for him to stop.
What upset me most was that my wife was right there watching this happen and said nothing. She was laughing along with everyone else like it was just a joke. I felt completely betrayed that she didn't step in when she knows how uncomfortable I am with swimming.
After we got home, I confronted her. I'll admit I raised my voice significantly. I said something like, "How could you just stand there while Dave was trying to force me into the pool? You know I hate swimming! You're supposed to have my back!" She got defensive and said I was overreacting and that Dave was "just having fun."
This made me even angrier and I ended up sleeping on the couch. The next day, she told me I embarrassed her by making a scene and then yelling at her afterward. Now she's saying I should apologize to her AND to Dave for "ruining the vibe" at the party. I don't think I'm wrong for expecting my wife to stand up for me, but maybe I shouldn't have yelled. So, AITA?
People jumped on with their thoughts.
CliveBixby1974 wrote:
So if she didn’t swim and someone tried to throw her in and you stood there laughing she should apologize to you and the person trying to throw her in. Sound right if you switch it up?
ass_pee wrote:
Yes and if someone is holding her head underwater as a 'joke' remember not to intervene and ruin the vibe.
No_Statement_9192 wrote:
Your wife and Dave are ridiculous little punks.
PreparationHot980 wrote:
Sounds like none of them left middle school.
2npac wrote:
Grown man still playing childish games on their "friends" and your wife just going along with it? Yeah, f that. If it was the other way around she'd be livid with you and Dave. Your wife should have your back. You weren't ruining the vibe. Dave did with his constant pressuring.
A few days later, OP shared a big update.
First, I want to thank everyone for their comments and insights. I’m sorry I don’t have time to respond to each comment. I also appreciate the internet strangers saying that I’m weak or should start standing up for myself. Not gonna lie - maybe there’s some truth in that. However, reading the different perspectives helped me reflect on the situation more clearly.
After taking some time to cool down, I decided to have a proper conversation with my wife. We sat down after dinner and I made sure to approach the topic calmly. I started by apologizing for yelling at her. I explained that while I was hurt by her not stepping in, my reaction wasn't constructive and I shouldn't have raised my voice.
Anna listened and then opened up. She admitted she hadn't realized how genuinely frightened I was in the moment - she thought I was just being stubborn about swimming and that Dave was trying to lighten the mood. She said she could see now how his actions crossed a line, and she apologized for not supporting me when I needed her.
We had a deeper conversation about boundaries and how important it is to back each other up in social situations. She promised to be more attentive to situations that make me uncomfortable, and I promised to communicate my feelings before they escalate to shouting. It was actually a really productive conversation that brought us closer.
As for Dave - he called me the other day. I thought he might be calling to apologize, but that's not what happened. Instead, he asked why I was being so weird about the pool incident and said everyone was just trying to have fun. When I tried explaining how his actions made me feel unsafe, he dismissed it and said I needed to lighten up and learn to take a joke.
I kept my cool and told him firmly that trying to force someone into water when they've repeatedly said no isn't a joke - it's disrespectful and potentially dangerous. He scoffed and changed the subject to some upcoming basketball game.
My wife and I have decided to take a break from hanging out with Dave for a while. Anna completely supports this decision now that she understands how serious this was for me. We're planning to spend more time with friends who respect boundaries instead.
I'm relieved that my wife and I are on the same page now, even if Dave still doesn't get it. Sometimes you realize which relationships are worth putting the work into, and which ones might need to be reconsidered.
The internet was glad to hear the update.
Krista_meel wrote:
No means no. This is not a complicated concept and even a moron can understand. If they had any sense of decency.
I’d be asking Dave if he SAs his wife when she says ‘not tonight’?
Does he run red lights because it’s more fun for him to do as he pleases vs being a decent human? The dude isn’t a good person and even less of a man. I was raised by Teamster. My dad was as tough as anyone needed to be but he’d be the first one to punch a bully in the mouth. Dave is a loser.
LogicalDifference529 wrote:
Aside from Dave being a total AH, he’s also incredibly stupid. It’s his house, his pool, all his liability. Not only should he not be creating a dangerous situation around the pool, he should literally be kicking anyone out that does. He sounds like a frat bro that never faced consequences and therefore hasn’t grown up and matured.
pgh9fan wrote:
You never push someone into a pool. Not only is it dangerous, but you don't know who has their phone on them if nothing else.
Kallymouse wrote:
There was news story about how a MOH pushed pushed the bride-to-be into the pool as a joke. She landed wrong and was paralyzed from the chest down. Glad OP's story has a better ending.
Top-Put2038 wrote:
Well done on actually talking with your wife about it. But Dave, scres Dave.