Young man isn't 'present' during a once-in-a-lifetime trip, 'I bet you feel stupid.' AITA?

"AITA for not being 'present' for a once in a lifetime trip?"

A while ago my family (mom, dad and older sister) and I (19M) went on a trip to Europe. We had been planning it for the better part of a year, watched all the travel vlogs we could, researched places to go, made itineraries, the works. My mom and sister especially put a lot of effort into planning the trip and did a really great job at doing everything.

A few days before the trip I had an appointment with my doctor. Without going into too many details, he referred me to a specialist because he thought it might be cancer. He said that it was probably nothing to worry about, but it was better to be safe than sorry in the case that it was cancer.

Unfortunately, I couldn't get an appointment with the specialist until after the trip. My family was great and super supportive, and promised me that everything was going to be okay. I really didn't want it to ruin the trip.

I like to think that I'm a pretty chill guy. I don't let a lot of stuff get to me and I can usually put things to the back of my mind and not think about them. This time, I was worried. Even though the doctor said it was probably nothing, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was really wrong. I was okay when we were busy because I could distract myself, but in any downtime I kind of spiraled.

Whenever we weren't talking and were waiting in a line, or on a bus driving somewhere, or at the hotel or something I couldn't stop spiraling. It started with convincing myself that it absolutely was cancer, then to what treatment would be like, then to that I was probably going to die and before I knew it I was planning my funeral. I know, it was super dramatic, but that's where my mind went.

Here's where I might be the ahole. To distract myself, I downloaded a bunch of books onto my phone and read any time I started to think about it, aka any time I was left to think. My parents noticed I was reading and asked why and I told them, so they left me to it for a little while, but then my mom and sister started to make comments about how I wasn't "present."

I tried to tone it down, but I couldn't get it out of my head so ended up reading like six books in the couple of weeks we spent in Europe. Eventually, my mom and sister took to clicking their fingers in my face and saying that I was not present again.

I want to stress that I would only do this when we weren't doing anything, so I put the phone away for all of the activities and tours (or when my parents were letting me have a beer because the drinking age is like 18 in Europe) and stuff. I also made sure to put it away when someone was talking to me. It was just when I had enough time to think.

We got back and I had my appointment and it luckily wasn't cancer. My mom drove me to the appointment and on the way home she said something like "I bet you feel stupid for not being present on our trip." I told her how scared I was, but we got into an argument and she said I ruined the trip. So am I the ahole?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

moo-chu said:

Dude, your family kinda sucks. I can't even imagine being more concerned with how I feel about a trip than if my family member has cancer. NTA.

randomize42 said:

NTA. But wow, your family really sounds like unconcerned aholes. Is this level of unkindness normal for them? Do you have a history of catastrophizing, which would desensitize them (but wouldn’t excuse their behavior still).

(I say this as someone who was referred to an oncologist and DID have cancer and went through treatment… so I know exactly how scary those pre-diagnosis days are. Glad it wasn’t cancer for you.)

FlashyHabit3030 said:

NTA. Your mom called you stupid because you were concerned about cancer??? If anything, your mom and sister ruined the trip for being so concerned if you were "present."

purplesalvias said:

NTA. Glad you don't have cancer. It was your vacation too. Getting mad because you were reading and trying to relax is ridiculous. It's not your job to provide constant stimulation to others. As an introvert I would hate being treated like that.

Farm_girl_Bee said:

NTA. Even without this huge thing weighing on you. Nothing wrong with reading during wait times.

KingdomKey10 said:

NTA. First of all very glad to hear it was a false alarm and everything is ok, but I'm sorry you had to deal with that stress. Secondly, man, your family is awful. You could have had CANCER and your family was upset because they thought you were... killing the vibe? I'm sorry but that is disgusting.

It's one thing to try and help distract you from it to make you feel better in that moment, its another thing entirely to disregard your coping mechanisms and force you to do what they want to make themselves feel better. And then the audacity of saying "I bet you feel stupid" after getting the news it was a false alarm?

That is sociopath behavior. You just got probably some of the most relieving news of your life and her immediate reaction is to guilt trip you about "ruining" the vibes of the vacation?

If anything you should be MORE of an AH, if my family did that to me they would never hear the end of it. "Empathy for Dummies" books as everyone's Christmas gifts, "hey remember when you told me I was overreacting when I had a cancer scare?" every time they complain about any minor inconvenience, I'd be going scorched earth after something like that because what the hell?

Tina-Tuna said:

NTA, but your Mother is. To be honest, if this happened to me, the trip would have been cancelled and my kid would have been put first. Firstly i'm glad you are well.

You didn't say if you had to wait for an appointment until after the trip as nothing was available or that you were told by your mother that the trip couldn't be cancelled and you'd have to go on the holiday and then see a specialist when you came back. If it's the latter then the woman is truly a sociopath.

You both argued after the appointment and were told that you had ruined the trip, no thankful words, no relief from having to worry about you throughout the trip from her, or any words of kindness at all? And if worse case scenario it had been cancer what then? Your epitaph on a Gravestone saying "he ruined our Trip'"...good grief!!