Young woman calls partner 'a discount Dad,' 'he kept treating me like a CHILD.' AITA?

"AITA for calling my partner a 'discount Dad' after he kept treating me like a child instead of a partner, even though I’m dealing with severe health issues?"

I (18F) have been dating my boyfriend let’s call him Jake (24M) for a little under a year. At first, things were really good. He seemed emotionally stable, mature, grounded all the things I thought I wanted after dealing with a lot of chaotic guys my own age.

We met through mutual friends and clicked pretty quickly. He said he liked how “mature” I was and how “together” I seemed for my age, which felt nice to hear, especially since I came out of a very abusive household.

I won’t lie I felt flattered at first. I thought we had an understanding that yes, I’m younger, but I’m still an equal in this relationship. But over the months, that dynamic has really started to shift, and now I’m not sure I’m being treated like a partner at all.

For some background: I’ve been diagnosed with endometriosis and POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome). Both conditions affect my daily life in big ways. I deal with chronic fatigue, dizziness, and a lot of pain. There are days when I physically can’t get out of bed without struggling, and managing my symptoms takes a lot of mental energy on top of everything else.

Jake knows this. I was upfront about it from the beginning. And at first, he was really kind and supportive. But over time, he’s started acting like he knows better than me how I should be living my life. It started small comments about how much I sleep or how I manage my symptoms but now it’s like I can’t do anything without some kind of lecture or judgment.

Some examples: If I sleep in to manage a flareup: “That’s not healthy. You need structure or you’ll never be independent.” If I get food delivered on a day I’m too fatigued to cook: “You’re wasting money and being lazy.”

If I cancel plans because of pain: “You’ll never build resilience if you give in every time.” Even if I lie down after standing too long and feel dizzy (a POTS symptom), he tells me I should push through because “resting too much makes it worse.”

He also makes comments about my outfits being “too revealing” or “not appropriate,” and when I tell him I don’t want unsolicited advice, he says he’s just trying to “help me grow” or “teach me how to be an adult.” But I am an adult just one managing two chronic illnesses on top of everything else.

Things came to a head last week. I was having a rough few days a bad endo flare, zero energy, and could barely sit upright for long. He came over and saw that I’d been resting most of the day and immediately launched into another long-winded talk about “discipline” and “life habits” and how I need to stop relying on rest as a “crutch.” I’d had enough.

So I said not even shouting, just tired “I didn’t agree to date a discount dad. If I wanted someone to supervise my life and tell me how I’m failing, I’d move back in with my parents.” He went completely silent. Left my apartment, and didn’t talk to me for two days.

When he finally did, he said I “crossed a line,” that he was “just trying to help,” and that I had “no idea how hard it is to support someone who won’t even try.” I was honestly stunned. Now his friends are messaging me saying I’m selfish and too immature to handle a relationship with a real adult.

His mum (yes, his actual mother) messaged me saying she’s “disappointed” and that Jake has always been the kind of guy who “lifts women up.” I just want to be clear, I do try. Every day is hard with these conditions. I work, I cook when I can, I handle my appointments, I advocate for myself in medical systems that constantly brush me off.

I don’t think I need to be “raised” by a man who thinks being six years older makes him my life coach. I care about him, but I also feel like I’ve been slowly shoved into the role of “student” or “child” in this relationship and I’m starting to wonder if that was his intention from the beginning. So great ppl of reddit AITA for calling my boyfriend a discount dad after months of being treated like a project instead of a person?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

pouldycheed said:

NTA. Dude's 24 dating an 18yo with chronic illness and thinks he's your life coach? The age gap + his behavior screams control issues. You managing two serious conditions while working isn't "lazy," it's impressive af. Also his mom messaging you is weird and crossing boundaries. Run.

MintyFlutter0216 said:

He praised your maturity until it threatened his control, now he is weaponizing ‘help’ to keep you small. Classic manipulator move.

Dry_Background_1633 said:

You’re not TA in the slightest. What it sounds like, to me, is that you need a new boyfriend. You definitely don’t need a discount dad and it truly does sound like he just wants to have someone younger and weaker than him to have power over...

Especially when getting mad at you for “not even trying” when you have a chronic illness and constantly trying to monitor what’s “good for you” as if he’s some form of authoritative figure instead of your partner. Good for you for calling out this behavior, he definitely deserved it!

ennuiismymiddlename said:

You already know the answer. Ditch the AH.

parodytx said:

NTA. Dude is grooming you and is a controlling, narcissistic a. He needs to be an ex-BF. Like immediately.

hotelbandit713 said:

If he liked "mature" women, he'd date someone his own age or even older. He was nice to lure you in, started sprinkling in controlling behavior to get you used to it, and now is "only trying to help" to make you doubt your own reactions and instincts. This is not a loving or supportive partner. This is not someone you should spend your time with. You deserve better.