Young woman's friend group stage intervention for her 'ED'; She claims, 'I have an allergy, LAY OFF.' UPDATED 2X

When this teenage girl is furious with her friend group, she asks the internet:

"I [17F] have dietary restrictions and my new friend group [16-22F/M] thinks I have an ED and plan on having an intervention?"

My parents divorced when I was very young. My mom got me for most of the year, and my dad got me for the Summer.

I hated going to my dad’s house. Partially because he was very stubborn and rude and always had to do things his way, but also because every time I went to my dad’s house I got violently sick.

Nausea, rashes, pain, muscle cramps, and then when I got older, I’d start missing my periods. (TMI?) I went to a doctor, but he said it was a psychosomatic problem related to stress and directed me to see a therapist

. My dad didn’t let me see a therapist because he thought it was total crap. My mom took me to one a few times, but by then my symptoms had cleared up so we couldn’t tell if it helped at all.

One thing that really pissed me off was that my dad ate a lot of junk food and drank soda instead of water, and he mocked me mercilessly if I tried to eat healthy. I think it reminded him of my mom, because she’s always been a bit of a health nut.

I would sneak carrots into the house, and if he found them he’d throw them out. At my mom’s house, I’d eat vegetables and organic chicken. Sometimes a food would make me feel sick, but I’d just stop eating that food and it was fine.

I got into the habit of turning down any food offered to me because I didn’t know if it was safe. I just explained it away as being a picky eater.

And then, when I was 16, a new girl moved to my school. I became friends with her, and after a couple months I noticed that she avoided all the same foods as me.

I mentioned it in passing like “hey isn’t that weird?” and she got concerned and told me that she had Celiac Disease and I should get myself checked. I got checked, and sure enough, I had it. Everything suddenly made sense.

I was so excited to finally understand what was wrong that I told everybody I knew. I told all of the people who I thought were my friends. And they…didn’t really react well.

My friends acted fine at first, but I noticed that they were all doing the “slow fade” on me. I confronted my closest friend about my condition and she said that they all thought I was faking it for attention.

They’d only heard about gluten free diets as a stupid fad. I broke down crying and told her all about how horrible I felt when I had to go to my dad’s house and how I couldn’t believe that she didn’t believe me, and she was horrified.

She turned around and became my biggest supporter. She talked to the others, but they still thought I was full of shit and feeding her lies, so we decided it was best to break it off with them.

My birthday is in August, so I had two more Summers with my dad left to go through after I found out. He took the revelation about my disease even worse than my ex-friends.

He would scream that I thought I was better than him and I was making up medical problems because I wanted to be special and that he wouldn’t put up with that s.

I offered to take him with me to the doctor but he said that doctors are scam artists and he didn’t believe anything they said. It was horrible. It got to the point where he started sabotaging my food and cursing at me when I got sick.

So, I’ve gotten pretty wary about telling people about the disease. Between my personal experiences and hearing people make fun of gluten-free food on TV and the internet, I’ve decided I’m not comfortable with telling new people. I know that’s cowardly, but I’m so afraid of what people will think of me.

This is my last Summer with my dad, and it’s the last Summer with my dad. He can rot in Hell for all I care, he treats me like s. I’ve only got to tough it out for another few weeks, that’s not my problem.

I can already hear your advice about leaving my dad’s house or calling CPS and respectfully, I’ve made my decision that it’s easier just to stay for the next three weeks and then leave forever. Please don’t focus on that part.

This is the problem I need help with: My best friend and I have made a new group of friends. They’re great people, really fun. We play roleplaying games every weekend. We’ve been hanging out since May. There’s ten or eleven of them depending on whether you count this guy who doesn’t regularly attend games.

My best friend approached me yesterday and told me that the rest of the group has been talking behind my back.

They’ve put together the fact that I constantly turn down food and that I’m very picky about what I eat and that I’ve been getting thinner and acting sick (because I’ve been living with my dad) and come to the conclusion that I have anorexia. They’re planning on staging an intervention for me next weekend.

Guys, I don’t know what to do. This is such an awkward situation. I know I should tell them but I’m so scared they’re going to reject me. They’ve already got this idea in their heads about what’s wrong, at this point I’m afraid they’ll think I’m just making excuses.

And I’ve been burned before. I lost a ton of friends by telling them about my disease. Yeah, they were ahs, but it fg hurt. How do I do this? How do I explain it so they’ll believe me?

I can’t handle any more people calling me a liar, I’ll have a mental breakdown. This disease has ruined my life in so many ways, I just wanted to have this one part of my life separate from that. Please, reddit, give me advice.

Before we give you OP's update about the intervention, let's take a look at some top responses:

gagah writes:

Hey, fellow celiac suffer here. I got diagnosed around the same age as you. I dealt with a lot of the same issues. People not believing me, or thinking it was all in my head. Even my best friend didn't believe me until I got my diagnosis.

My own doctor had a talk with me about eating disorders, and this was right after I had told her I was losing weight due to all of these crazy symptoms (luckily I saw another doctor who knew what it was right away). I understand the fear you have telling people about the disease. Like you said, it's especially hard with the fad diet now.

The next time they bring up your supposed anorexia around your friend, give her the all clear to tell them you have celiac. Or, try bring it up yourself before the intervention.

The fact that they noticed you not eating and are concerned enough to stage an intervention (as misguided as that is) makes me hope that they care about you. Give them a simplified explanation of the disease if you can. This is what I say when people ask me why I'm not eating:

"Oh yeah, I have celiac disease. It's an autoimmune disorder that damages my whole body if I eat anything with wheat." I usually avoid the word "gluten" when I'm first explaining celiac and tell people I can't eat wheat, barley, etc.

If they press for more details, don't be afraid to share. Most people have heard about the disease by now, and even the most difficult nonbelievers shut up when I tell them my symptoms and explain the long term effects.

I've also explained my diagnosis, with the endoscopies, blood tests, etc. I think people are more receptive when you explain all of the testing and doctors visits you go through to get diagnosed.

If you're not able to talk with them before the intervention, it's okay. Just take a deep breath, and tell them the truth. Your concerns about telling them are valid and I understand why you haven't told them before.

I'm sorry I can't give you much more advice at the moment. PM me if you ever need to talk or rant about it.

fea098 writes:

The silver lining here is that these new friends are worried and care enough to try to help you, even if they are misguided.

Maybe chat with them before this intervention happens? Your other friend really should have explained already to them, but try to take the chance now to say "hey, I want to share something about myself that I haven't yet.

It might help explain some of my behaviors that seem weird." Include that celiacs who get "glutened" can become malnourished, and can lose weight. (Also please please reconsider staying at your dad's. It breaks my heart reading this whole story)

This is going to be a very important moment for you. My boyfriend has celiac disease, and has learned the hard way about being your own advocate.

You have fad dieters on one hand and people who don't comprehend the disease on the other, and they will be a source of eye rolls and sighs for you for a long time to come.

But this is your HEALTH. You've had some unfortunate guardians in your life, and now is the time to begin practicing standing up for yourself. You deserve to be healthy and happy and not feel like s.

Side note - in addition to your high amount of stress, celiacs have a higher rate of depression. It's a symptom. Make sure to take care of yourself in all areas, and see if your school in the fall has a counselor you can work with.

creamaty writes:

This is actually something I have some second hand experience with. One of my best friends (Caitie) (and someone who has celiacs) didn't figure it out until 2 years after college but started being picky and losing weight extremely rapidly senior year of college.

She was miserable. She had no idea what was going on and she got so so so thin. We ended up living together after college and I have never seen someone so miserable. Binging on foods because she was starving and yet could never feel full. A host of issues including losing her period and bowel/bladder issues. She ate constantly and kept losing weight.

Senior year people were talking about having an eating disorder intervention. Myself and another one of my best friends (Megan) were skeptical about Caitie's supposed eating disorder.

Megan is anorexic and has been battling her food disorder for over 10 years now and we saw none of the tell tale signs, so we went to Caitie to inform her of this planned "intervention" and give her a chance to figure things out.

We weren't aware but Caitie had been going to doctors and therapy to try to figure out what was wrong and no one had helped her. But she knew something was wrong. So her therapist suggested she plan a "reverse intervention" if you will.

She send us all text asking us to meet her at her home at a specific time. (she picked her home because it was a place she felt safe and comfortable) She explained to everyone that she was sick,

but not mentally and that she was going to the doctor regularly and seeing a therapist and she would really appreciate our support in helping her get well by not making this any harder. She did butt heads with some friends who just wouldn't believe it and that was sad.

She set up time to talk to people who had further concerns one on one and spent time explaining her issues. People with active eating disorders DO NOT do this. By nature eating disorders are secretive and compulsive.

Often the person knows what they are doing is damaging and does it anyway. They don't calming explain their behavior to their friends. In a way you are better off since you know you have celiac's and have a concrete explanation.

It took Caitie years to figure things out and her intestinal track is just now starting to heal. I think it would be beneficial to have everyone sit down and explain your condition. That celiacs is incredible hard to heal from since it slowly destroys your digestive system over time and needs a period of regrowth.

It might help to explain this to them. That any sort of "danger" food doesn't just cause you pain like it might for lactose intolerant people, it actually damages your ability to digest food at all, provoking further illness and weight loss.

Explain to them that this is more than a fad, that eating things contaminated with gluten during your healing period causes serious long term consequences, which is why you are so vigilant when you are allowed control over your food.

It really sucks that they don't get it, but also it means your friends really do care for you and they are concerned. Celiacs and other digestive issues are so nebulous that it often takes years to figure out, while disordered eating are common in high school and college.

It does make some sense that disordered eating would be their first assumption. Selective eating and dieting (e.g. veganism, gluten free, paleo, atkins, etc.) are noted to be telltale signs of anorexia.

Stay strong. It broke my heart to watch Caitie go through all her pain, and even 2 years after a diagnosis she is just able to drink a glass of wine and not immediately feel sick. But people get it.

She is always calm and firm when expressing her dietary needs. She is nice, but doesn't apologize for her condition. She asks a lot of questions at restaurants and knows her limits. I'm extremely proud of her and it's the happiest I have seen her in years. I'm sorry for the novel, my heart goes out to you.

stanmd writes:

I am 23 and have a TON of invisible diseases. So I completely understand how stupid people can be. Personally I am very open about it and if someone doesn't want to believe me they can f right off.

But I know you're younger and don't necessarily have that luxury. And with your unfortunate history regarding your condition I can see why you wouldn't want to talk about it.

That being said, if it must be addressed here is how I would handle it: "I do not have body image problems and I am aware I have lost weight. Although there is a reason why I seem to have an issue with food, I have an autoimmune disease that effects my diet and while I appreciate your concern I really don't like talking about it.

[Best friends name] can confirm. I can assure you I am doing what I can to maintain my health and definitely do not have an eating disorder." Or something like that.

I know you're scared to lose your friends, but I take it as a good sign that they care enough about your health to he concerned. It totally does suck when your illness effects your social life and I really do get it.

And now, OP's update (about the intervention):

Hey guys. Thanks for all your help. The "intervention" was yesterday and I figured you guys would want to know how everything went.

A few hours before game started, one of my friends (let's call him Zach) texted me asking to come to his house (he hosts the games) early because he wanted to discuss [gaming terms that will be nonsense to most of you].

I figured this was probably the intervention and texted my best friend (I think there was some confusion in the last post, this is the friend who was with my other friend group who I poured my heart out to then she followed me to the new group. Let's call her Laura.) to ask if she'd been invited too. She hadn't, so I asked her to come with me.

Before I went to his house, I did something a little cheeky inspired by one of the comments on the last post. I went and picked up some gluten-free chinese food from a place I frequent. They have this amazing vegetable fried rice that I've fallen in love with.

They're really careful about cross contamination, I've been eating there for years and never gotten sick. I brought the food with me to Zach's house, along with Laura and my notebooks and dice for roleplaying.

Zach seemed really taken aback that Laura was there. I asked him if he had a problem with it, because if we were going to talk about [complicated gaming things] then she should be part of the conversation because of [qualifications] (ugh I'm really sorry, I'm trying not to drop a crapton of gaming jargon on y'all).

He awkwardly said that it was fine. Then I said something like, "Is it alright if I eat something while we do this? I missed lunch and I'm really hungry." And pulled out the chinese food. He said it was fine but seemed kind of alarmed, like I was freaking him out.

I started eating and he started his pitch. "I didn't actually call you here to talk about [game crap]. Me and some of the others have noticed some things recently that we're concerned about and they elected me to talk to you about it."

I said, "Okay..." He listed off a bunch of things that I've been doing that made them worry about me. The way they never saw me eat anything, that I always seemed sick and was getting thinner, the fact that I always seemed uncomfortable and nervous when the topic of food came up...

that I turned down everything offered to me, and then he finally dropped the bombshell. " Michael's older sister is anorexic, and she acts a lot like you do. We think you might be anorexic."

I swallowed my food and tried not to look nervous. "I'm not." I told him. He started talking about how nobody thinks they're anorexic but there's clearly something going on with me and he started just rambling so I cut him off.

"I do have a problem. It's not anorexia. Can I talk?" He reluctantly agreed. I think he was afraid I was going to say that I was too fat and my problem was that I needed to lose weight or something. Like, he really got committed to the idea that I was anorexic.

I'm going to try to paraphrase what I said here because I was very proud of myself for it. "I know I'm losing weight in an unhealthy way, but it's not on purpose. I have a disease that means I can't eat grains like wheat, barley, and rye.

When I do, I get very sick and my body starts ripping up my stomach and I can't digest much of anything, even things that don't have those grains in them. It's not just an allergy, it does serious long-term damage to me.

If I ate a piece of bread, I would break out in rashes, I'd start throwing up, and I might get stuff that seems unrelated like horrible muscle cramps. When I turn down food, it's because you guys offer me stuff like Doritos and PB&Js. If I ate that stuff, it would make me violently ill.

I turn it down to keep from making my health problems even worse. And the reason my symptoms have been popping up and I've been getting sick and losing weight is that right now I'm living in a family situation where I'm forced to eat the foods that my body reacts badly to.

When I first met you guys I was living with my mom, and she accommodated me really well. But right now I'm living with my dad, and he sabotages my food because he thinks I'm making my disease up and that my doctor is a fraud."

Zach took out actual notecards and looked through them. He literally had a script for the intervention. That's what I get for hanging out with the kind of dramatic people who play tabletop RPG's, I guess. He was quiet for a really long time. Then he had a few questions.

"But then why do you turn down, like, Coke?" "Because Coke is nasty but I didn't want to complain and make you guys buy root beer just for me."

2. "Why didn't you just tell us this stuff?"

Laura took this one and explained what happened with our last friend group.

3. "Okay, so like what would I probably have in the house right now that you'd be willing to eat in front of me?" I wanted to facepalm at this one. I asked if he was serious. He was.

"I don't know, have you got celery?"

He shook his head. "Yogurt?" Nope. "An apple?"Nope. "Seriously?"

He nodded. "Have you got some freaking popcorn? Like, air-popped popcorn?"

That he did have. So I ate some popcorn in front of him, and he finally seemed to accept what I was saying. He awkwardly changed the subject to gaming things and we talked about that until the rest of the group started to show up.

When Michael got there, Zach took him aside and started talking to him in a way that I guess they thought was subtle? They kept looking over at me and they weren't keeping their voices down very well.

Michael asked if I seemed defensive and Zach shrugged and said not really. I pointedly ate popcorn for the rest of the game. Michael texted me after the game and apologized for assuming that I was anorexic and asked what snacks they could put out for me.

I actually cried a little bit. I was worried about getting kicked out but they immediately moved to accommodating me. They're nice people. So everything worked out fine. Sorry for the anticlimax. :P