Young woman refuses to let her mom arrange her marriage, 'I don't want to be like her.' AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for telling my mom I don’t want to be like her and refusing to let her arrange a marriage for me?"

I (19F) am in my second year of college. I grew up in a very traditional, conservative family in the Bible Belt. (I still don’t know what I personally believe, and I think I have time to figure it out) My parents, especially my mom, have made it clear that they believe it’s their responsibility to take care of me until they can hand me off to a husband.

My mom has told me multiple times that I should have my kids before 25, that I should look for a man in his late 20s or 30s who is stable, and that college was a bad idea because student loans would affect my future husband’s and family finances.

Recently, she’s been pressuring me into something like a semi-arranged marriage. She wanted to sign me up for a matchmaking site where parents set up and chaperone dates for their adult children, see if they like each other, and look at possible marriage.

She’s sent me multiple screenshots of men (usually 7+ years older than me), but when I told her I wasn’t interested, she told me, “You don’t have to love him at first; a godly marriage isn’t about that. You’ll fall in love after marriage.” That really unsettled me because I’ve always dreamed of falling in love and marrying someone I genuinely care about.

My biggest fear is marrying someone who is abusive or who changes drastically after marriage. A few days ago, I mentioned that a girl I graduated with was already having a baby shower for her second child, which I personally found unusual for someone my age. My mom snapped at me and said she wished I was more like that. I usually ignore these comments, but this time, I kind of lost it.

I told her I didn’t want to be like her (she had me at 17), that I wanted a better life for myself, and that I didn’t want to ruin my kids’ lives by having them too young. That really hurt her, and my dad got involved, and yelled at me that I was completely out of line and shouldn’t disrespect her like that.

I’m back at college now, but my parents haven’t spoken to me since they dropped me off, and I’m afraid they might kick me out of their house. (They have threatened to before for much smaller things) I love my mom, but I feel like she failed to protect me from a lot of abuse as a young kid because she was so young, and I don’t want the same future for myself.

I still feel really guilty for what I said. I know my parents want what they think is best for me, and I get that they just want me to be happy. A lot of parents have clear plans for their kids futures. But I also don’t want to compromise on something this important. I don’t want to lose my parents though. AITA for what I said? Did I go too far? Should I just let her put me on the matchmaking site to fix everything?

UPDATE:

I just wanted to say thank you all so much for the support, it helped me put a lot of this into perspective. Some people have been asking if my own mom went through this, and the thing is that, no. My mom didn’t grow up with these beliefs, rather she lived a pretty normal lifestyle in her twenties.

These more radical sentiments didn’t start showing up until she married my stepfather a few years ago, which I guess is why I haven’t pushed back so much. Also they weren’t super supportive of college, but I worked to get enough scholarships to cover the costs and they didn’t bother me that much.

I do have a job, I’ve been financially independent from my family since I was 16, and I have always planned on distancing myself from my family once I had the money and chance to get a place of my own, but I don’t live in a big city or walkable area, and they kept me from learning how to drive until very recently.

(Compared to my 16 yr old brother who already has a license) I’ve been studying and learning on my own terms too. I am very aware of the danger of the ideas she is presenting. I wasn’t raised like this, which is why I find it so unusual. I have a lot of younger siblings that I do very much still want in my life, so despite my parents projecting a lot of their shocking ideas on me, I tend to bear it for their sake.

I want to be there to protect them and give them a chance to have someone to talk to. I know my parents wouldn’t let me around if they suspected I had such different values than them. I truly think this is just a phase that my mother is using to grieve some lost version of herself.

She’s always needed a man in her life, I think it is a source of comfort for her, so I don’t think she understands that I am not the same. I want to say, thank you so much for your support and kindness, and I do promise that I am in no danger. They would never force me into any decisions, and in any case, I have fought for myself before.

The worst they would do is put me out, and I’ve had a plan for that for years. I did apologize for hurting her feelings through text, she hasn’t said anything yet. I think I was just freaked out because I’ve never defied them in any way before. Thank you so much for listening!

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

MsLaurieM said:

Oh sweetie. You are NTA and please please please don’t let your parents have that much control over your one wild and precious life. You are learning who you are, letting them take your freedom away will end that.

Make a plan as to how you can survive without them. You are away at school, can you stay there for summer? Can you work? Because there’s definitely a chance they will not let you come back OR that you decide that you don’t want to go. Hugs.

chrestomancy said:

If they kick you out, they loose the ability to control you, so I doubt that'll happen. NTA.

SadLocal8314 said:

NTA. Don't go home. They will put the pressure on hard. Talk to a counselor regarding summer school, finances, and lodging. Once you get that degree, find a job, rent a room or apartment - do not go home till either you are married, or hit menopause.

Medusa_7898 said:

NTA at all. It might be a blessing for you to be disowned. Please work on financial aide and finding a part time job so you can remain on track in college. Stay for the summer semesters, talk with them about work study, and get as independent as you can.

These are not the dark ages. You are an adult woman with autonomy- do not settle for an arranged marriage and do not let religious dogma and guilt steer your life. Wishing you the best.

BigBlueElf said:

NTA. Make friends and contacts and create a supportive network for yourself, people who love and accept you as you are, potential roommates if you get kicked out, potential job contacts if you lose parental support.

Not saying it’s going to happen, but if you have options, you have power. Your parents might be in a huff right now, but if they love you they will come around, or at least accept that you must make your own choices.

Proper-Effective8621 said:

Apologize for hurting her feelings, but also explain to her that your brain is still maturing until age 25, and that you will choose your own husband after you finish your education and when you are older. Look for a job in your college city and try to live there during the summers.

SkysEevee said:

NTA. But it's time to start making plans. Set up a bank account they can't touch and start earning money on the side. Make friends to build a support network. Slowly become independent by finding your own place, cutting off services the parents provide.

Cut back on contact. Study hard and do well in school. You can do this. Cut strings and be free from their grasp. You live life your way and find happiness