Mother’s 'unhinged' wedding takeover leaves bride bitter 12 years later. AITA?
"Your wedding is not for you. I just need to give you away appropriately -- yes, like a thing."
I am going to shame my own wedding. It was 12 years ago and I am still bitter and salty as pickles. So I (woman) married young. I met my future husband when I was 16 and we got married just a tag over my 20th birthday.
It's kind of normal in my family, my mother, aunt and grandma married even younger. We had budgeted and planned our wedding by ourselves, so it was really small. Like, 16 people combined, just an immediate family, no professional hair or makeup, no professional photos, no music, no additional events, no cake.
Our hometown, the formal procedure in the morning and little caffee celebration straight after. We were ready to pay for all 100% by ourselves and do it as we want. My mother, on the other hand, was 100% sure my wedding was her event to control.
Short list of her escapades:
- She refused to meet parents of my fiance before wedding. Like, full blown tantrum and great offense in it.
- I had already bought the dress, very simple, light peach, flattering thing. My mother nagged, pushed and cried and finally made me to go dress shopping with her and my aunt. Mom bought me an ugly golden dress, too big for me, aunt -- the ugly golden shoes, too small for me. Lol. I hate it, I don't know where it is honestly.
- Mom had collected all wedding bands for broken marriages of my family (a lot of divorces and couple of spouses' deaths), gave them to jeweler and they made a golden chain from it, as a present. Not sold rings and buy the chain, no! It's exactly the same gold. The symbolism of it haunt me till this day.
Screamed on me the evening before wedding, because I downloaded a wrong version of Windows for my older brother's laptop. I told to mom and the brother multiple times that I don't know how to put an OS on a laptop, don't want to learn it now, have other things to do.
She pressed me into it by scandal, and then was very displeased by the result. The scandal went way into the night, and after the wedding celebration my mom ask me when I will fix my mistake. I was about to jump into car with my new husband and go to trip for our honeymoon.
Tried to make a pact with me that I will spend 3-4 nights at her place every month. Didn't succeed, thank God, -- as you probably understand for this point, I didn't have a lot of backbone back then.
And finally the proclamation on the header. My mom disclaimed that it doesn't matter if I like my dress, my jewelry, my party, my everything: she would press me into whatever she considers "appropriate" to just transfer me from her hands to other person's hands.
I was absolutely dead inside for the whole event. We have one photo, I don't know where it is. We don't celebrate anniversary. I would like to reset my memories for it, but what done is done. The marriage is still here, that's what important.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Oh man. Your mom sounds like a real treat.
You and your husband should do a vow renewal. Don't invite your mom.
nowaynoday (OP)
The strange thing is -- she was in the same situation. Her first wedding was totally controlled by her family, and she hates it. I really hope my future kids will do whatever the f they want on their weddings.
That's undoubtedly why she did it to you. A combination of "I had to endure this, so now it's your turn" and being able to dictate a wedding since she didn't get to dictate her own. Good for you for ending that cycle.
This is exactly why she did it. We all swear we won't repeat our parents' mistakes. But if we don't do the healing work and deal with our own fallout, well... we definitely repeat our parents' mistakes (or do the polar opposite eff up).
So sorry that was your experience. Maybe a vow renewal/mini vacation could help reset those memories? You don’t even need to use the same date if it’s painful.
If it makes you feel any better about it, that chain is most likely not the actual same gold. Like 95%+ unlikely. Unless the jeweler is a member of your extended family or has a small artisan business specializing in chain work, most likely they traded the rings for a catalog chain of equivalent value.
They might have just let your mom believe what she wants to about it, especially if she's a difficult person to deal with. I'm a jeweler. I'm happy to discuss why reusing old gold is unlikely in a follow up response if anyone cares.
So sorry to hear you went through this. My mom made my wedding about herself as well. She controlled everything from clothes to jewelry to the guest list. I was allowed to invite 2 friends in the total guest list of 400+. I was not allowed to not invite people I didn’t like. But then, it was just another in the episode of them controlling all my major and not so major life events and decisions.
When, after several years, I finally found my voice and confronted my parents, I met with a wall of “let go of the past” and “good intentions” and me being ungrateful and difficult. It’s been 15 years since my wedding. I still have unresolved trauma from the control they exerted on me during my wedding and on my life in general.
Sounds like it’s time for a vow renewal in a beautiful place of your choosing while telling absolutely no one!
At some point in the future you can have a ceremony where you re-pledge yourself to each other. Only invite close friends. No family. And make those memories yourself, that your mom stole from you. Now that you are stronger and more independent YOU and your HUSBAND can right the wrongs. I wish you nothing but the best… and a long and happy marriage.