'AITA for cutting off my husband's family because my MIL took my engagement ring?'
"AITA for cutting off my husband's family because my MIL took my engagement ring?"
delusional-island
Long story sorry about that but its been eating at me for some time and need it off my chest so who better to talk to than this amazing group.
Some backstory for context:
My partner J (30M N. Irish) and I (30F Australian) met while both living in England five and a half years ago. We started dating and were living together within two months which a lot of people found too fast but we were and still are deeply in love and extremely happy together.
His family is Protestant and mine is a mix of Christian and Atheist though J and I are both openly Agnostic and have no issue with those who practice religion. I've been medicated for severe depression and anxiety most of my adult life and found out late in life I have ADHD as well as possible BPD (think bipolar but worse) and EDS (a nervous system condition that effects pain receptors and joint development)
At that time in my life I was rather estranged from my own mother and the relationship was strained. She and I had some issues and neither of us knew how to work past the generational trauma and talk to each other.
I also had a very strained relationship with my brothers, step father and extended family not because any one person in particular is the problem we just unfortunately have one of those families that have had too many bad things happen.
Before J and I started dating I was open with him about being Polyamorous and Pansexual, he was very accepting and simply asked I not see anyone else while he decided how he felt about polyamory.
To be honest I was happy to stay completely monogamous for him but after a lot of conversations and personal reflection over the first six-nine months he decided it was something he wanted for himself as well.
I understand not a lot of people agree with this lifestyle but it works for us and we are very happy with this decision so please keep negative comments about our intimacy to yourself, thank you. I at no point pressured him to have the same views on monogamous relationships as myself and only ever answered questions he asked.
Now for the actual story:
After six months together J took me to N. Ireland to meet his family and despite being extremely anxious and preparing for the worst everything went perfectly.
They were the perfect family his mother L adoring and sweet, father P open and friendly though he's a very quiet and shy, his two older sisters G and M were more than happy to make me feel like their baby sister and even younger brother H was polite though a bit stand-offish.
The nieces and nephews were even already calling me Aunty and I adored every one of them. I finally felt like I had the loving family I always wanted. Three months later on my birthday J popped the question and I was incredibly surprised and ecstatic he then told me that it was his idea to propose.
But my MIL idea to give me her engagement ring and took it upon herself to have it resized and coated in white gold as J told her I don't like wearing gold jewelry.
We were both surprised as she absolutely loathed Js ex wife and we expected a lot more push back on our relationship since it was moving so fast. Wearing her ring was extremely meaningful to me as it meant I was accepted and loved by her, something I told her many times over the next year.
Everything started going to hell once covid hit and we decided to move in with Js parents to be close to his family and help as all four of his grandparents and his mother were high risk and unfortunately his paternal grandmother was close to the end due to lung cancer. The first few weeks everything was great I was helping as much as I could around the house, with the nieces and nephews and with the grandparents.
Every weekend H would come from Belfast to stay in the countryside at his parents and I tried to form a bond bringing up subjects he liked, watching his shows with him and just generally trying to get to know him without being too pushy.
Nothing worked and I felt him becoming more cold towards me. I blew this off and just figured I'm too loud or too much for him and accepted we wouldn't be close just at least civil. Not the end of the world. Whatever.
We weren't there long when I noticed G would come over almost every day with her two children both of whom are low functioning autistic and amazing people who I loved to play with.
Whenever G would come over she would have long conversations with L in front of me neither giving me any context about the people or places in these stories and giving me short answers when I'd ask for context then rolling their eyes at each other like I was rude to ask.
The few times M would visit she would include me in the conversation and ask me things about myself so that I wouldn't feel left out but as soon as G was around M would close off and shut me out as well.
Even when alone G would sit on her phone and ignore me or be short and snappy if I tried talking to her. I didn't understand this behavior as Gs husband was very friendly with me always up for a great chat and always had a smile.
It was very obvious that G did not like me and was putting on an act for J when we first met and that M was the only sibling at least putting in some effort to get to know me.
After only three months living there I'd become severely depressed as my visa renewal was on hold due to the pandemic, I had to give up my dog (another long and very depressing story), I couldn't afford to go back to Australia, I was feeling alienated from my own family and now my partners, and now the only real support I had was my fiancé and my best friend who I spoke to daily on Skype.
One evening I was with G, M, H and their paternal Grandfather whos wife passed only a few weeks before literally in MILs arms who had been caring for her constantly towards the end.
G had started saying hurtful things about her own mother and M started chiming in, both calling her names and pointing out her flaws while H laughed and I sat uncomfortable. When I saw their grandfather on the verge of tears I pushed for the conversation to change but G blew me off and it only changed when L joined the group.
The next day I spoke to L about what had happened and she was rather upset that her daughters would be so cruel however the moment I mentioned H laughing along she blew up at me because in her words "he'd never do that and it rude to make up such lies". I was confused and she screamed at me for a bit so I changed the subject and found an excuse to leave.
After that things became more and more uncomfortable and it was obvious to myself and J that I was being shunned. Ls behavior towards me started becoming toxic and at first I was still trying to smooth things over since this is my family now and one day I'll be bringing children into it so J and I wanted to patch things up and move on.
A lot happened over the next two months and I'm not going to bore you with details but essentially nothing I ever did was good enough or right and despite offering to help where I could and doing everything I could think of to be helpful and a good houseguest I was constantly criticized.
I eventually started hiding in a room that had been designated for J and I to have a living space because if I was in the main areas reading, watching tv, working on a book I was writing, or on a call with my friend L, G or H would come into the room.
As if I wasn't there. And refused to acknowledge me, even taking the remote and changing the channel if I was watching TV or emptying the sink to fill the kettle when I was in the middle of doing dishes.
I would even sit outside to work or read knowing they preferred to be in the living room so they would bring drinks out and loudly talk beside me making sure not to even say hello. G had even blocked me on her and husbands phones, all social media, and made her step daughter block me on tik tok.
I'd started sleeping most of the day to avoid them, sneak down after they'd gone to bed to make my meals and would have severe panic attacks when I heard G or H enter the home.
Despite this I still maintained the cleanliness of the two rooms J and I used, vacuumed the house almost daily, watered all the plants, groomed the dogs and ironed Grandfathers laundry.
The only solace was that J made me open up to my mother about what was going on and it got us finally talking like a proper mother/daughter should. At some point L became super friendly and suggested I give her the ring so she could get it polished by her jeweler with her rings... how sweet.
My last attempt to patch things up with MIL was that she had this orchid in her kitchen it was sad and struggling in an algae filled glass vase and covered in kiekies (for non orchid growers those are baby orchids and left on too long will kill the mother plant.
Also please don't put your orchid in glass it is bad they like air). I offered to help the plant and said that my mother has a lot of orchids and has advised me how to help it for her. I thought this would be a nice gesture of friendship. I was wrong.
L. went. off.
She called me and my mother horrible names and started accusing my mother of telling her how to raise her children and called me ungrateful and lazy.
I stormed off and had a breakdown in our bedroom while J tried to console me. In this case I was in the wrong because you see I called her a witch to J. I should have said it to her face with a hard slap to drive it home. The only reason I never confronted any of them was J begged me not to. He now says that was stupid of him and he should have let me at them.
After that incident I started suffering extreme pain in my chest and numbness in my hands and face. two trips to the ER in two nights and it's now clear I have developed a heart palpitation condition from the stress, something that still affects me to this day and I need to be admitted to hospital to deal with these attacks as the high blood pressure is causing permanent damage.
The absolute final straw was when things came to a head with H only a few days after the ER visits when after several attempts to ask him to put the toilet seat down fell on deaf ears J tried to bring it up.
While J and I both prefer to not touch a communal toilet seat just because someone else wants it up the real reason which we told H many times that we wanted it down was the autistic nephew who liked using the upstairs bathroom wasn't always the best at washing his hands and had a nasty wound from a dog bite by his mouth that was not healing from him licking and touching it.
The wound even becoming infected with staph and doctors were worried it would either cause him to have surgery to remove the flesh or it could actually kill him, his special needs school also kept refusing to let him attend class until the infection was cleared.
This was a huge stressor to G and her husband and we thought the absolute least we can do is ask H to put the seat down so nephew didn't have to touch it. When J nicely asked H about this he out of nowhere blew up and screamed that he'd actually been going out of his way to put the seat up any time he left his room just to "annoy the witch".
J had had enough and before he could even react H was already running and screaming for his parents that J was attacking him. J managed to not hit him somehow and instead very loudly informed him to never speak to his partner or any woman that way again.
After explaining to inlaws what happened they both agreed J and I were in the wrong and H deserved an apology. I refused and they were not happy but J tried to mend things and H pretended he didn't exist to which inlaws believe he was justified as J was being unreasonable asking H to put the toilet seat down despite knowing it was for the safety of their grandson.
A few nights later I put myself into $5kAU debt getting the government to fly me home. I did not say goodbye. But before I left J confronted his parents and I sat where they couldn't see eavesdropping (naughty girl I know) the things they said were horrendous.
They told J not to marry me, not to have kids with me, that my children would not be family, that he should marry an Irish girl or at least someone from the UK. They told him my polyamory was unacceptable and that I'm a cheating wh0r3 who will cheat on him with a woman.
J informed them that I had not slept with or even gone on a date with anyone else where as he had hooked up with a friend of ours the day before we left England, their response "but you can be forgiven". There were many more insults but I didn't hear them all I was devastated and went to pack.
J stayed in London with me for a few days before I went back to Aus and we decided to say our vows sitting on the fountain outside the British museum at sunset. It was beautiful and as far as we and those closest to us are concerned it was our wedding day.
He did not stay with his family long after that and fled back to England, apparently once I was gone they never spoke of me and acted like a super happy family, it freaked J out and he was livid.
A few months after I'd returned to Australia I posted on facebook about J and our vows and started getting bombarded with comments from people neither J or I know calling me horrible names, claiming I'll never actually marry him, to get away from his family, etc.
J spoke to inlaws about it they claim not to know anything but as we had no mutual friends these people must have searched me out to attack me after I'd already been run out of the country.
Two years later J and I finally had enough money to see each other again he flew to Australia married me legally and took me and my support dog back to England with him.
We were still a couple and stronger than ever the whole time despite severe emotional distress for the both of us, the lasting health condition I received and multiple suicide attempts due to my mental health being lower than absolute zero.
Three good things have come from this experience. One: My relationship with my mother blossomed when I returned home and she became my rock through recovery, she's my best friend now and I should really thank L for showing me what a horrible mother really looks like.
Two: J and I know that we can make it through anything and our happy healthy relationship is stronger than ever. Three: My parents and J adore each other and he is over the moon to be a part of their lives even asking my mother to be his witness for the legal marriage ceremony. Honestly I think they like him more than all their other kids me included.
Now the ring comes back into play as not long after I was back in the UK L contacted J who went low contact after I left to ask if we were back together. He said no we never stopped being together and yes we're married have been for two years now its legal and they can't run me off again.
L messaged to say she wants to make amends and move past everything to be a family. I know this means she wants to sweep it under the rug and act like nothing happened.
I'm adult enough to own up to my mistakes and apologize for whatever she feels I did wrong so long as it's actually something I did wrong. However I feel she will never own up to her mistakes and apologize for her actions.
I said I need time to think about it. It's been a year and I still don't know what to do. J has been back to N. Ireland twice in the last year to bury grandparents while there H refuses to even look in his direction and goes out of his way to alienate J.
When he's home J is stressed and upset as we've had three miscarriages in the last year so we're seeing a specialist soon to find out why but whatever the outcome we're also starting the adoption process. He switches between wanting his family in our future childrens lives and wanting to go full no contact.
He told his mother that taking the ring was very hurtful as it showed she doesn't se me as a daughter, she claimed it was because she thought we'd break up and he'd never see it again and now she plans to give the ring to G.
L knew that ring was extremely important to me and J and that we were excited to give it to our child one day. I could understand wanting it back if we split however J and I were not having problems and to take it back.
While I was planning the wedding and she even knows we were trying for a baby so her reasoning makes no sense. It also feels shady like it was a form of theft once you give your ring to someone it's not yours any more.
I should also ask that as I was run out so fast all my belongings stayed with J who stored them with his own at inlaws home, when getting our stuff back it was obvious things were missing including the heirloom watch that belonged to Js paternal grandmother that he was exited to pass down to our child and that he wanted me to wear along side my grandmothers watch for our wedding day.
L claims no one touched our stuff but we both know of many items that are missing, he is definitely planning to confront L about the watch but would like to do it in person.
Considering what it meant to have the ring then to have it taken away I feel the only thing that can prove MIL actually wants me in her family is if she gives it back. If she refuses to me it means I'm not actually her family.
I'm not the kind of person who can just smile and play pretend so I really want to tell her how she's made me feel and let her decide if she can accept me in her life. My question to you reddit is should I bother confronting MIL or just tell her how I feel and go no contact?
Whatever the outcome J and I both agree H is not our family anymore and we're both open to contacting M who has privately spoken to J about the situation and apologized for her actions and regrets her part in what was done to me.
Edit: For those who think I want to wear the ring. I assure you I don't. It's the principal of the act she gave it as a symbol of acceptance then took it when I wasn't what she wanted. To show she really wants me in her life she needs to show me she accepts me the way she did at the start.
I would not wear the ring it would stay in a box and be given to our oldest child to use as they wish since they will have a relationship with her. No ring no relationship with the grandchildren no need for heirlooms. As for the watch J was close with his grandmother and it's all he had of her so it's very upsetting that they took it from him.
Edit 2: To those messaging me about 'splitting up the family' there's many reasons my husband went low contact but I haven't put any of that on here as it's all his private business about his childhood.
I've been extremely adamant that his relationship with them his his choice. J is the one who's decided the treatment of himself and others is reason to distance from them and he wants low contact going forward but he's a big enough man to know he should make the effort to maintain a relationship with his family.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
JEM10000
Why would you want to wear the ring of someone who does not support your marriage and actively states her distain if you? Move on with your husband and buy a ring that is meaningful and not tainted with hate.
Stormtomcat
Your MIL has the ring & your partner has already told her how you both feel about her scheming to "get it back". She didn't even react that J married you (in spirit and legally) without her or any of his family.
She's made her position clear : she doesn't accept you & she doesn't care enough about J to overcome the pride she takes in her opinions, nor the embarrassment of facing you again. Personally, I wouldn't bother trying for more. Mourn the relationships, let the idea of those heirlooms and possessions go & hug each other a little closer.
Scarlet210
NTA. Your MIL and her ring are just the same. In an effort to get you to accept something that doesn't suit you, they were both coated with something slightly more appealing.
However, at the end of the day, the ring is really gold, and your MIL is really a judgmental piece of work... you're better off without either in your life. Hopefully, letting go of the stress his family brings will do wonders for your physical and mental health. Best of luck and love to you and your husband.