Man 'almost' cheats on wife with coworker; asks if he should tell her. UPDATED
"Almost cheated, but stopped just before I would have done. AITA not to tell my wife?"
I went to a work meeting abroad, and my colleague was there. We were staying at a hotel overnight, and eventually, she asked me if I would join her in her room for drinks after dinner.
I said I would and followed her upstairs, but then I felt guilt take over, and I felt ashamed. I said I needed to go back to my room and I would see her the next day. I didn't tell my wife about this.
However, that I even considered cheating is making me sick. My wife asked me if I was all right because of how stressed/tense I've been. Am I wrong to hide this? I didn't do anything, but my wife would not take it well if I told her. It will damage our marriage.
Info from OP:
She said other things beforehand that made it clear that she was interested. It wasn't an invitation for drinks. Was pretty obvious what it was. Yes, there was flirting, as much as I'm ashamed to admit it.
I've always walked away from situations where other women flirted with me. I really hate myself for letting it get to the point it did. This is first time I've flirted with someone other than my wife in our 11 years together.
I'm not having a hard time staying faithful. I've been with my wife for 11 years and I've always walked away from women showing interest. I'm just grateful that I realised in time because my wife and our marriage mean the world to me.
I'm already planning to change jobs.
I don't care about myself or anyone else more than I care about her. She's the most important person in my life.
Here are some of the top comments from this post.
No_Band_1279 says:
Why would you tell her this? Is it for her benefit or to assuage your guilt? If you didn't do it and aren't going to do it, suck it the f%ck up and live with the sh#tty decision you almost made and be a better person.
If that's how it played out, the only motivation you have to tell her is selfishness in absolving yourself of the guilt. What's the other option? Unburden yourself, f%ck up trust and a relationship, and feel like you are a good person for being honest.
This is all on you, but be honest with yourself in your motivation and actions, especially if you respect your spouse. You should feel kind of s@#%ty, but keep that s@%t to yourself; why should they suffer from your weakness?
They shouldn't have to share the burden when you didn't put them at risk, but you thought guilty thoughts, and it should not impact them, and they shouldn't have to share that weight. Otherwise, suck it up and break it off. Don't be a b%tch about it. It's all somewhat on your shoulders.
nyx926 says:
Your wife not 'taking it well' will not damage your marriage. You already caused the damage; she doesn’t know it yet. This kind of thinking is of the 'it’s not what I did that’s the problem, it’s your reaction to it' variety.
You’re lying about what’s causing your weird behavior, and she knows something is off. Not telling her keeps her from making an informed decision about who she is married to.
The good thing is - you did the cost-benefit analysis and chose not to harm your wife further. The s@%&ty thing is - something has been going on with this co-worker for her to think she could invite you to her room.
You’re not entitled to your marriage or benevolence for not screwing someone. So when you have that conversation with her that you know you need to have, make sure she does not twist herself up in knots thinking it’s a marriage problem when it’s your problem.
BubbleBathB says:
Have you really had time to think about why you initially said yes? It’s good you didn’t go through with it, but it could be helpful to explore motivations so it doesn’t come up again.
akillerofjoy says:
How about we do some role reversal? If it were me, and my wife told me about a situation that almost got out of control, but she had enough sense to stop it before even setting foot in a dude's room, yes, I'd be hurt. But I'd also have a whole new level of respect for her.
…that is if I believed her story. Because you see, OP, I don't believe you for a second. I think the things between you and your colleague were heating up pretty hard, and I am convinced you are severely downplaying your involvement.
So, the alleged would-be cheating was merely the tip of an iceberg of you actively cheating on your wife, maybe not physically, but in every other way.
Absolutely not. This is your problem to deal with, not your wife’s. You deal with your guilt, the issues that led you to consider it and try to be a better husband and person. Your wife deserves more than to be burdened by your guilt.
Updated from OP:
I am going to tell her what actually happened. I can't hide it anymore because it's really eating at me. It's making my wife worry because she can see how stressed I am. Also, she deserves to know because she shouldn't have to live a lie. I'll tell her this weekend.
I know she won't be able to forgive me easily, if at all. But I've never hidden anything from her before and it's really tough not to tell her. She already knows something is wrong.