'AITA for not wanting my mother-in-law to come stay with us after the baby is born (while we live with my mother)?'
"AITA for not wanting my mother-in-law to come stay with us after the baby is born (while we live with my mother)?"
For context: I’m (43f) three months along with my first baby. I live with my mother (where I live this is culturally accepted and welcome). I got pregnant by surprise, before my boyfriend and I had moved in together.
I work from home, and have preferred to stay put for the time being at least until after postpartum, as my pregnancy has been complicated, and it’s given me a lot of peace of mind to have my mother around during the day in case something comes up.
My mother has offered my boyfriend to move in. The house is big, there’s extra space for everyone’s privacy, and he will probably be fully installed in a couple of months after he sorts his current situation out.
He has had reservations, as he would rather be fully independent (which I respect and understand) but he has accepted my wishes to be here for now. He has a very good relationship with my mother, and he is comfortable in spite of it not being his initial preference.
His parents (who live in his home country) are planning on visiting for a few months before the baby is born, and presumably they will extend their visit for some time after the birth to get to enjoy their grandchild.
This visit was scheduled before we discovered the pregnancy. They will be staying with my boyfriend’s siblings, who live in the same city as us. I’m excited to meet them for the first time, and for them to enjoy our child as much as possible.
Here’s the thing: he really would like for his parents to come to the house and stay with us for an unspecified period of time after we leave the hospital, particularly his mother. He says he really would like to have her support and guidance in caring for the baby, and also her help so that I can relax and recover.
I’m dreading this idea and it’s stressing me out to think about having guests in the house at such a vulnerable time for me. I think we should focus on learning to parent, bonding with the baby and adjust to the new situation. I’m afraid of having mixed criteria (my mother vs my mother in law) when it comes to whatever I’m doing, or for any of them to try to take over my duties.
I feel like I will need space to recover and adjust. I’m very comfortable setting strong boundaries around my own mother, but not so much his, who I haven’t met in person yet.
I really don’t want us to create the expectation that a stay in the house will happen one way or another, particularly when they will be in the same city and within a very reasonable distance.
I have told him as much, and said that I want his parents to enjoy the baby as visitors, and will welcome them as often as they need (to the best of my capacity), but as visitors, rather than guests. He kinda gets it, but I can tell his feelings are a bit hurt, and he feels like my mother will be privileged compared to his. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA It's okay for his feelings to be "hurt". No one ever died from hurt feelings. The audacity of him thinking he can invite people you and your mom have never met into a home FOR SEVERAL MONTHS, a home that isn't his, is astounding.
Your mom isn't "privileged" she stepped in to give you and your new family a place to live. Ask your BF if he'd rather stay in his current housing and his parents can stay there with him.
NTA. You've never met his family and there is no comfort for you in strangers being there. Not to mention he does not get to invite people to stay in your mother's house. Unfortunately, your child will be closer to your mom, due to proximity. However, his family can plan future visits or move closer if they wish.
NTA. This is not your house, it's your mother's. It's not your place to invite guests to stay there for months. And yes, they are your BF's parents, but you (and your mother) never met them. You would be living with strangers, while getting to know your child and navigating the first months of your life together as a family.
NTA. He might be hurt, but this is an overwhelming time for you, and alot of things happen that you may not feel comfortable having others around for (I know I didn’t I’m a private person).
The first month or two is hard and having people all up in your face about raising a kid gets over whelming (not saying that’s how she would be but it’s a risk). So do what you feel is right for you.
No AHs Here. Nobody is misbehaving or being mean, so, NAH. You are, however, totally in the right. Your boyfriend is clueless about what your body will go through post-partum, and yeah, you need to be comfortable with your support system.
From needing help with bathrooming (especially if you require a C-section), the weeks of bleeding from the dinner-plate sized wound left by the detaching placenta, padcicles (frozen sanitary pads for relief), peribottles because your vulva will be too torn-up to wipe with paper, waking up wet from milk, just breastfeeding and milk in general-- like all of it.
NTA. It's neither your house nor his house. Neither of you an offer hospitality to his parents. They can stay at the local relatives' houses and come visit at your convenience. And then they can leave when you get tired of being a host.
NTA. You will disappoint somebody no matter what you decide, so do what you think is best for yourself. IMO letting mother in law visit at all will be a disaster. Everybody is going to be giving you advice on how to care for your child. Who needs an extra voice added to the din.
NTA. He might be hurt, but this is an overwhelming time for you, and alot of things happen that you may not feel comfortable having others around for (I know I didn’t I’m a private person). The first month or two is hard and having people all up in your face about raising a kid gets over whelming (not saying that’s how she would be but it’s a risk). So do what you feel is right for you.