Woman cancels baby shower after brother's hurtful miscarriage joke. AITA? (Update)
"AITA for canceling my brother’s baby shower after he made a hurtful joke about my miscarriage?"
Exotic-Suspect-411
I am the oldest sibling out of four and my brothers have always been rough on me because I’m a girl. By the way I’m the only girl my parents had and all of my brothers are 1 year younger than me, they were triplets. I’ve always been the one to be a second mom to my brothers because whenever our parents couldn’t get it I would.
One of my brothers had found a wife and they’ve had a baby girl. I am very close to my brother and his wife and even his wife was excited to have me as the babies aunt. I love this baby with all of my heart being that this is my first niece and I plan on spoiling her because I’m financially stable and even though I’m not wealthy I still have a good amount of spending money.
I also had a miscarriage about 2 years ago that was really hard on me so having a baby that I would be close with was extremely emotional and exciting for me. On the other hand my brother is not, he’s very traditional and wants to be the breadwinner/ provider of his family.
He and his wife want to have a baby shower but it would mean they would loose a great sum of money they can’t afford. I’ve offered to pay for the whole thing because I love them and the baby, plus it would be a beautiful moment for both sides of their family.
My husband and I coordinated with them and payed for anything they wanted for the baby shower. A few weeks before the baby shower my brother, his wife, my husband, and my other brothers were at our parents house for a football game.
The topic of babies and the baby shower they planned came up and my brother made a joke saying “ I’m glad my wife is in working condition so we could be the first ones to have a baby, it feels good to be the first sibling for something.”
That really hurt because I was so excited to be having a baby, but when my husband and I got the news, it devastated us and it took us a while to become better. I went home crying and I blocked my brother on everything. I couldn’t believe how inconsiderate and insensitive he was especially after I gave him everything.
I texted him one time saying “We won’t be paying for your baby shower anymore, what you did was horrible and I don’t want to speak to you again.” He told our family and now they’re all trying to contact me but I don’t want to hear it. So Reddit am I the a-hole?
"Small Update"
Exotic-Suspect-411
I've been reading a lot of the comments and I would like to thank everyone who gave their support and opinion. I will be answering some common questions I’ve been hearing.
1. What was the S. I. L. and families reaction? Everyone did not agree with this comment and the sister in law was pissed he even said something so rude. She texted me how sorry she was in his behalf and she says she totally understands why I made my decision.
2. Did he apologize? He believes he did nothing wrong so he’s standing on his action. While I am upset by his blindness to how this could be hurtful I’m not the kind to argue until I get an apology.
I have made the decision to try to still give my sister in law a baby shower because she deserves it. I don’t want to ruin my relationship with her or my niece so I’m trying to figure out a way to give her a baby shower and still hold my grounds with my brother. If you have any suggestions please let me know!
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
sissysindy109
NTA. It's been 33 yrs since my wife miscarried. It's still not something we bring up. There are so many people that don't understand the pain the parents endure when a miscarriage happens.
The OP responded here:
Exotic-Suspect-411
Thank you and I’m sorry for your loss aswell, I appreciate you being willing to share your loss and understand where I and my husband are coming from.
sunnydays0306
What your brother said was horrible and completely uncalled for. I would’ve dropped the baby shower too, I’m curious was is wife mortified or did she care?? If my husband said something that awful I would’ve flipped. NTA.
Uhwhateverokay
Right??? In working condition? Wtactualf!
That’s a man who sees a woman as an object that he owns. He isn’t just traditional in wanting to be a breadwinner. He sees his wife as breeding stock. NTA OP.
Justrennt
NTA. Your brother did not made a joke. I think he was cruel and I question if you are really have a close relationship to him. A woman is not a tool ("working condition") you can use to produce babies.
Succubus_Siren
Nta. Since his wife is in”working condition “ they can work out their own baby shower. It IS their child and you dont HAVE to pay for anything.
cb1977007
Darling, your brother is not “traditional.” He’s a dick. People often confuse those two terms. NTA.
KathAlMyPal
NTA....and your brothers weren't rough on you because you're a girl. They were rough on you because they were bullies and it sounds as though this brother still is. I also have three brothers and they would never, ever have said something so cruel and mean spirited.
Your brother can't have it both ways. He can't be an asshole to you and then expect that you to still pay for a baby shower. Your family are probably trying to contact you so they don't get stuck with the bill.
rwee2000
NTA. I'm betting he's spinning the story, to make himself look good. Set the record straight and stand your ground, and if people are still pressuring you to pay, tell them to pay for it as you won't and then you'll hear all the excuses on how they can't.