'AITA for cancelling my baby shower because my SIL doesn't respect my boundaries?'
"AITA for telling my SIL she should cancel the baby shower she was planning for me and that would prefer not to have one than have one where she doesn't respect my boundaries?"
SpendOk2589
My husband and I are expecting our first baby in a few months and my SIL offered to throw us a baby shower. I was really in love with the idea and accepted and then my MIL got involved. But my SIL disrespected the one clear boundary regarding the baby shower that I had and she refuses to let it go despite being told by not only me, but MIL and my husband as well.
She insisted that my half siblings should be invited as well as finding bio family from both sides and inviting them. This is an absolutely unacceptable for me. I did not invite them to my wedding and I have not seen or spoken to them in several years. But she's going extremely hard on the "but family" argument.
Background: I'm an affair baby. My father cheated on his wife and I was the result. His wife kicked him to the curb and he and my mother stayed together. I was born and they did not take care of me and when I was 3 I was removed from their care by CPS.
None of my biological family wanted me. My mother's family were supposedly good Christians who couldn't stand the thought of an illegitimate affair baby and my father's family were "not in the position to take care of such a young child."
My father's ex wife ended up taking me. I'm not sure why. The fact she was paid to take care of me was possibly the reason. All I do know is I was not loved. My half siblings ranged from 11 to 17 at the time and they all hated me.
It was made perfectly clear to me from a young age that I was never to call her mom and I was never to call them my brothers and sisters. My father's family were still in their lives and knew how I was treated and they wouldn't even report it to my case worker.
I mentioned it once or twice but I think she found it easier to dismiss a kids words. My childhood was miserable and I was seen as a burden and as someone who should never have been born.
My half siblings continued visiting their mom as adults and all just made it clear they couldn't stand me and were disgusted by my presence. I just left when I was 16 and nobody ever reported me missing or came looking for me.
My SIL knows my background and she knows that I would never want them in my life again. But push she continues to do and I spoke to my MIL and she tried to take over more but SIL insisted that she had offered first. When she brought it up again I told her to cancel the shower and I would rather have no shower than one thrown by her when she can't respect my boundaries.
My MIL stepped in and is now hosting one but SIL is p!ssed because she had spent a while planning and had paid for some stuff already. My MIL said she'd give her the money back but SIL said I was in the wrong and I should appreciate her for wanting to "give me back my family."
I told her I had no family until I met them and she needs to accept that my blood relatives do not want me and I do not want them. I know she keeps telling my husband how wrong I was and he keeps defending me but I feel bad about the tension now. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
thegodcomplex17
I mean, you already know the answer right? NTA. The arrogance of your SIL though… imagine being that full of your own self-importance to directly go against your wishes because you think you know better.
The OP responded here:
SpendOk2589
I know I should know but I do feel bad about how things are going down.
Echo-Azure
I'm really sorry, OP but people who come from decent families can have absolutely no clue what it's like to come from a really bad one. I don't talk about my own very bad family among normal respectable people, because they just aren't going to understand, and there's good odds that they wouldn't even believe the truth.
The OP again responded:
SpendOk2589
That's my experience as well. Some people will ask me honestly how I could talk like that about my father's ex when she took in the affair baby kept me with my (half) siblings and provided me with a home I wouldn't have otherwise.
Some will even suggest I was still better off than those in foster care with strangers. But not every person's motives are good for doing seemingly good things and yeah, not all bio relatives are deserving of being family.
QuietCelery7850
SIL will never understand. She wants to be your savior, your hero. She knows better than you, and you will be so grateful to her for reuniting your family. Yuck. Has she actually contacted these people? Are you no contact with them, or do you just stay apart by mutual consent?
Again, the OP responded:
SpendOk2589
She has not contacted them. She thankfully doesn't know who they are. But I do worry she could dig and try to find them. I left at 16 and that was it. No more contact. They never looked and I never went back to see if they cared.
quarkfan4552
Nta at all. However because I can tell how deeply you care for her you can try another approach, “SIL I know you can’t imagine not being surrounded by family and love at this exciting time and want to give me this gift.
Unfortunately, that isn’t my reality and even the magic of a baby can’t transform things. You need to understand and respect this because I can’t accept this stress or negativity into my pregnancy or child’s life.
You have been told this clearly by everyone. Respect it. You need to think about why this is so important to you, and why you think that is more important than my boundaries.