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Husband refuses to change a single diaper to help pregnant wife; "that's your job." AITA?

Husband refuses to change a single diaper to help pregnant wife; "that's your job." AITA?

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'AITA my husband has changed all of the babies diapers?'

Due-Drawing9306

My husband has changed probably 90% of our son’s diapers for the first 1.5 years our son was born during Covid. I had a super traumatic birth, our son almost died during labor, and we were all alone.

We both worked from home and our son was very colicky. I was exclusively breastfeeding and was up every night with him, doing all bed time feedings, nails clippings, teeth brushing, he did baths and diapers.

It seemed like a fair arrangement. Eventually Covid ended and we got a nanny for Saturdays and our son started daycare he goes from 9-5, my husband started leaving for the day for work.

I asked him to change the diapers when he was at home because our son who is in the 100th+ percentile in height and weight was hard to manage for me. I got by on days when I was alone but it was definitely difficult. Even when my mom would visit she would have hard time with the diaper changing and she works at a childcare facility because he was big and unruly.

Now our son is 3 and almost fully potty trained. He wears a diaper over night. So we put a diaper on at night and take it off in the morning, and I’m pregnant again with really bad nausea so I’ve asked him to get the baby ready in the mornings as I’m usually choking back the vomit.

My husband has decided he will not change any of the future baby's diapers and has become very resentful saying that it was totally abusive and abnormal for him to change so many diapers through our son's life and that other dads don’t have to change so many diapers.

It’s not like I’ve changed zero diapers, I changed diapers any time he wasn’t home. On sick days, I am always the one who stays at home with him and cares for him completely.

I always felt like our parenting duties were pretty evenly divided until I got pregnant 3 months ago and things have definitely been harder since then because it’s hard for me some days to do the things I used to do. Things like make breakfast, get his daycare bag ready, physically pick him up. Am I the a**hole for letting him/ expecting him to change so many diapers?

Here were the top rated comments from readers:

Awkward_Ganache23195

I am a dad of a 4 year old and 22-hour old. I’ve done all but 2 diaper changes so far on the new one (nurses did the 2) so my wife can rest as much as she can.

I did the same with our now 4 year old. Wife is off work for a year to raise the child, which means EVERYTHING when I’m at work. The least I can do is change every diaper when I’m home. Even if I’m tired after a long day’s work, because my wife’s work right now is 24/7.

She lets me sleep through the night so I can be rested for work. I let her rest as much as possible when I’m home. It’s called being a good partner, and it’s critically important to make a good parent.

Fathers - don’t be dicks. Do your part.

OP - NTA. You’re a powerful woman, and don’t let him forget that.

Healthy_Meal1485

NTA. I do the gestation and extended breastfeeding and my husband has done nearly every diaper change he is home for for all three of our children. It has given him the opportunity to have a strong bond with our kids who received constant hands-on care from him their entire baby and toddler hood.

A friend of ours, before our first was born told us not to think of diaper changes as a chore but as an opportunity to bond and interact with your baby and show them they can trust you.

Frankly as a person who was breastfeeding I already had a lot of time to do that and was exhausted but diaper changes give my husband that space for connection and our kids viewed him as the person who could help them in this very important arena and continued going to him for that and also for all sorts of other things they need because of their trust in him.

We had friends who would talk back and forth in front of their baby about who's turn it was and that felt super messed up. We didn't want to be negotiating our kids care in front of our kids. They aren't a chore, it's our job to take care of them and we didn't want them to feel like we were avoiding their care by overhearing these conversations.

Signed, mom of a 9-year-old 6-year-old and 3-year-old

Reasonable-Tax5791

NTA It sounds like you divided responsibilities. Maybe he was not comfortable with doing that, bottling it up, but that doesn’t make you a mind reader. Or maybe there’s some outside influence?

The OP responded here:

Due-Drawing9306

He says that all the other dads he spoken with never have to change diapers or have the same expectations i do about him being involved in our kids lives

loverlyone

Well then I guess he should go live happily ever after with those “other dads.” JFC what a ridiculous thing to say. Changing a diaper is a necessity but it’s also an act of love.

Did you marry a 13-year old? NTA.

Reasonable-Tax5791

We still live in a patriarchal world so there will be plenty of families where dads don’t do much - that doesn’t mean it’s right. It takes two to make a baby - it also takes two to nurture and care for them.

ConfettiBowl

Abusive and abnormal is a bit much. The arrangement here was literally suggested to my husband by our midwife so he felt involved and needed. I don’t change diapers, my husband is happy to take that off my plate.

Your husband saying he refuses to change any diapers for the new baby, that seems extreme to me, and I’m missing any indication from you that you are insisting he be the sole changer of the new baby.

He needs to communicate his needs better and not be taking the word of less involved fathers that he’s being taken advantage of. My husband would never say that, and he’s changed twice as many diapers as your husband has. NTA.

So, do you think the OP is being unreasonable or is she right that they are already sharing parenting duties evenly?

Sources: Reddit
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