'Should I confront my friend for confessing his feelings for my GF while I was away?' UPDATED

"Should I confront my friend for confessing his feelings for my GF?"

I'm in quite the pickle and I could use some insights. This whole situation has my emotions all over the place, so I apologize if this is lengthy. For some context, I'm 26M, my girlfriend (let's call her Lily) is 25F, and we've been together for three years. The friend in question, Mark, is 27M. Mark and I have known each other for about six years and he's been one of my closest friends.

He met Lily about two years ago, and they've always had a friendly dynamic. They joke around a lot and share similar interests, but I never thought much of it because I trusted Mark. In fact, I always believed that Mark was one of the few friends I could trust implicitly around my girlfriend. When I travel for work, which is often, Mark started hanging out with Lily's group of friends.

Initially, this was discussed with Lily and it was a bit unusual for me, but I chalked it up to him trying to expand his social circle and looking for new friends. After all, he had a tough breakup a while ago and has been trying to surround himself with positive influences. Plus, Lily's friends adore our relationship and have always supported us. I thought, "What's the harm?".

Fast forward a few months, Mark has become a regular member of their group. Birthday parties, movie nights, Sunday brunches – he's there for all of it. Lily's friends (and Lily herself) have come to love Mark. He's charismatic, funny, and everyone enjoys his company. However, I started to notice that he was particularly close to Lily and another of her friends, Jess (24F).

They'd frequently post pictures on social media, always sitting together at group events, etc. Once again, I chalked it up to them just being close friends. Lily had assured me that she felt no attraction towards him, and I don't have any reason to doubt that, but my issue was more whether Mark was being genuine.

However, things took a turn earlier this week. Lily and I were out of town for a weekend getaway, and Mark attended an event with Lily's friend group. Jess confronted Mark because she felt he was being overly flirty with Lily, essentially fawnijg over her if neither of us was around, and his behavior was making her uncomfortable.

To everyone's shock, Mark admitted he had feelings for both Lily and Jess. While he promised to set boundaries and maintain distance, he also took a dig at me. He said that I was a "people pleaser" and that I was "too nice for my own good". He insinuated that even if I knew about his feelings, I wouldn't do anything because "I like being the nice guy everyone loves".

Honestly, that hurt more than him admitting feelings for Lily. I always saw myself as genuine, and to have someone I trusted imply I'm merely putting on an act has shaken my confidence. Since he had started hanging out with Lily's group, we had gotten a lot closer, and he seemed more interested in getting to know me better.

Lily and I heard about this from Jess, so I can't be entirely sure on the context which is eating me up. I came home the other day and hung out with him, and he said nothing. He's continuing business as normal as though I don't know what happened.

I'm torn now. I appreciate his honesty, but I feel betrayed. I want to maintain our friendship, but I also want to protect my relationship with Lily. She does not want to see him anymore, and feels betrayed because we'd both genuinely believed he'd be a safe friend who'd want to hang out with her for her.

To clarify, no moves were made, but Lily mentioned he had asked a lot about our relationship when I wasn't there at the social events and I'm left wondering what he might have done if we were in a rough patch, but that's all speculation.

I'm seeking advice on how to handle this situation. How do I approach Mark? How can we rebuild trust, if at all? And am I wrong for feeling like Mark's comment on my nature was a low blow?

TL;DR: Close friend admitted feelings for my gf while I was out of town. He's become a regular in her friend group. Also said some hurtful things about my character. Feeling lost and betrayed.

This is what top commenters had to say:

BlueDolphins1221 said:

Why not support your girlfriend and her feelings and not interact with Mark anymore?

jazzy3113 said:

Jeez, you really are a people pleaser lol. Umm maybe stop hanging out with a guy who insults you and is trying to get with your gf? Lol.

And Future_Falcon_7233 said:

I think Lily's feeling is legitimate, she thought she had a friend, but he was seeing her differently. Her decision to stop seeing him is a great one. Mark's comments were rooted in jealousy. I don't think you should entertain a friendship with someone disrespecting your relationship.

He shared this UPDATE, a few days later:

Firstly, thanks to all who weighed in on my last post. Your insights were incredibly grounding during this whirlwind of emotions. Here's the update on confronting Mark:

After gathering my thoughts, I texted Mark to address the situation. He played it down massively, saying he didn't remember the conversation and was certain it didn't involve Lily. He tried to spin the "people-pleasing" comment, stating it was a reminder to "respect my boundaries because I might not assert them". A weird explanation, given how the entire situation "didn't involve" me and Lily.

But here's where things got even more tangled: Three separate friends, including Lily, approached me at different points with an unsettling claim. They said that Mark had told people that I viewed my relationship with Lily as a "short-term thing." This was utterly baffling to me.

Not only is it untrue, but it's also a complete violation of trust. Why would Mark spread such a damaging rumor about me, especially when he knows how committed I am to Lily?

I also confronted Mark about another lie from last week that made me look bad in front of Lily's friends. He admitted to the falsehood but tried to assure me he'd corrected it the next day. After checking with the person involved, it became clear that Mark hadn't set the record straight as he'd claimed.

Through all this, not a single apology came from Mark. He kept repeating that it was a "misunderstanding." The fact he claims no memory of such recent events is deeply concerning.

Reflecting on our friendship, a pattern is emerging. Mark has always been transitioning between friend groups for as long as I've known him. I never thought much of it, but now it seems he rarely retains any long-term friends from these groups. Could this be a repeating pattern of his behavior driving people away?

It's heartbreaking. Mark has been a trusted friend for over two years. Understanding that he might have been manipulating situations and spreading false narratives about me is gut-wrenching. I've shared everything with Lily, and she's backing whatever decision I choose to make regarding Mark. It's hard to reconcile the friend I thought I knew with the person he's revealing himself to be.

Any advice on navigating this would be greatly appreciated. It's a tough road ahead. I am not going to talk to Mark anymore, and I might let him know beforehand. Reading all of this again makes me feel comfortable in that choice but in the moment, I'd wondered if he was right and if this wasn't really a big deal.

TL;DR: Confronted Mark. He downplayed everything, spread rumors about my relationship, and lied about another incident. Recognizing unsettling patterns in his past friendships. Feeling utterly betrayed.