Man breaks down in tears when wife forgets birthday, she then screams at him. AITA?
"AITA for crying when my wife forgot my birthday"
Unable-Departure-436
When I (36M) was a kid my parents never celebrated my birthday the only reason I even knew what day my birthday was, was because of family members wishing me happy birthday. I try really hard to make everyone I'm close to have a really good birthday I guess my logic is so they feel wanted and appreciated and not how I felt as a kid.
It was my birthday yesterday and my wife (35F) didn't mention it at all she didn't say happy birthday to me or anything (neither did my daughter but she is 4 so I don't expect her to lol). I don't really care too much about presents or doing anything special it just would've been nice for her to at least acknowledge that it was my birthday.
I did wait until midnight in case she was doing that thing that they do in movies where the person pretends they have forgotten someone's birthday when they actually haven't (I know that's stupid but still.)
After it turned 12 it's really embarrassing but I just kinda broke down crying. I know it's stupidly crying over something that isn't a big deal but it just made me feel how I felt as a kid and it just brought back a lot of feelings and memories from my childhood.
My wife walked in on me crying (pretty much in the middle of a panic attack to be honest lol) she asked me what was wrong and once I told her she got really angry and accused me of trying to make her feel bad for something that's not important. She was shouting at me a lot and she was quite loud which woke my daughter up so I left the room to put her back to sleep.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
Wishiwashome
NTA I don’t know why your parents didn’t celebrate but if religious reasons, you have trauma from that, in and of itself. Your wife, busy with a 4yo, yes I get it, BUT her flipping the switch and saying “It wasn’t important “ was even more cruel. It wasn’t important to her, but it was to YOU. I am really sorry. Happy Belated Birthday.
The OP responded here:
Unable-Departure-436
Thank you.
Aggravating-Pain9249
OP, I am VERY concerned that you wife was dismissive of your birthday. Is she aware of how you grew up, with your birthday being ignored? Is your wife normally dismissive of your feelings? NTA.
Ocean_Spice
Also yelling at him for being sad, like who does that?? She sounds mean.
Apart-Ad-6518
NTA and you aren't stupid at all. You cried because you felt forgotten and overlooked/that restimulated the trauma you felt as a kid. I bet you make a big effort for your wife's birthday. She had no right to dismiss you or tell you something is unimportant to you when it really is.
Or shout at you and wake up your child. If you can it might be worth getting some therapy because if your wife treats you like this a lot that's even less ok & you may want to re evaluate the relationship.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE - AITA for crying when my wife forgot my birthday"
Unable-Departure-436
Thank you so much for all of the replies on my previous post! I spoke to my wife and she told me that she shouted at me because she was just tired. She seemed sorry I didn't want us to fight anymore so I forgave her.
A lot of people suggested that I have a sort of celebration with my daughter which I did do. We baked a cake together yesterday and she also made me a birthday card (there's glitter everywhere now) which was very sweet!
This probably wasn't the update most people wanted since a lot of people who replied wanted me to divorce her or for there to be some big fight between my wife but I just don't think that's necessary.
I really love her and I'm happy with her, I don't want anything to change this was just a mistake that hopefully won't happen again. My wife told me that it's partly my fault anyway because I should've reminded her that it was my birthday but I didn't and I agree with that. So we're pretty much even now I suppose.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's latest update:
Seriousgyro
"My wife told me that it's partly my fault anyway because I should've reminded her that it was my birthday but I didn't and I agree with that. So we're pretty much even now I suppose."
You don't have to divorce, you don't have to totally uproot your life, but one day I hope you have the self-respect to realize how insufficient her going "it's your fault for not reminding me, plus I was tired" is.
Comfortable_Cut_8751
I agree, it's very sad. Does she have a cell phone? She can program the birthday in. Tired? Too fricken bad. Unfortunately, in relationships, whether family, friends, or lovers, sometimes we still need to make the effort. Hopefully this was a learning experience for both OP and wife.
PodcastJunkie8706
Your wife's excuses are lame as hell. How is it YOUR fault she forgot your birthday? Come on, now.
Material-Solution748
Sorry but your marriage sucks and your wife just gaslit you to the moon. In no way should you have to remind her of your day your marriage is screwed and I promise she will do it again next year too no doubt in my mind.
Rotasu
"My wife told me that it's partly my fault anyway because I should've reminded her that it was my birthday but I didn't and I agree with that."
Wow... This poor man is never leaving.
MsNeedSleep
So no one gonna mention she said his birthday isn't important. But her's is?
Sad_Explanation_3961
Something not important. What a shitty wife. Of course HER birthday is important. Not something to divorce over but sure us something to examine the marriage and a red flag all is not right.
Karls_Ideologue
This dude cannot recognize toxic/abusive behavior, and I imagine this is not the only way in which his wife makes him feel less than. Getting angry at someone for crying and making them feel bad for it is a massive red flag for abuse. Hope this guy eventually can get out.