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Man angry when ex brings their child he 'didn't want' to his birthday party. AITA?

Man angry when ex brings their child he 'didn't want' to his birthday party. AITA?

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"AITA for wanting to choose the guests in MY OWN birthday?"

Ill-Eye-8640

I have a 14-year-old daughter with my ex. My ex and I agreed to be childfree however, she got pregnant and, despite our agreement, chose to keep it. That's why we broke up and I made it clear that I will continue to be childfree. However, I made it clear that I will give child support until she gets married and has a husband who is willing to adopt the kid and then I will sign my rights away.

She agreed. My family however wanted to be involved in her life. I told my family that I don't want to be anywhere near her. I think this is the best for both of us. They chose her over me and stopped inviting me if she was invited.

It meant that about 90% of the time she would be invited and I was invited to about 10%. Which is fine, I don't care. However, recently they have started inviting her EVERYWHERE.

Last night it was my birthday (surprise party from my parents) and she was also invited. I don't know why she came because she very clearly dislikes me. She was sitting in the middle of the room, making snarky comments.

At one point I told her that I will get a taxi for her so she can leave. She told me that I should be the one to leave because "no one wants you here anyway" and my siblings laughed at her. At this point I just left and now everyone thinks I'm an ahole and rude for leaving like that. But it's my darn birthday shouldn't I be allowed to choose the guests?

The OP quickly provided a short edit:

Just because everyone seems confused, the kid is the one who came to my party. I'm talking about her in my post; I'm not talking about my ex.

Here were the top rated comments from readers:

LordOffal

NTA.

We all chime on, rightly, with "My body, my choice" for women. That is perfect and fantastic and correct. That said, we then have to accept that men may not want to be fathers and that is allowed.

He's correct in paying child support for the person he made and his family have been awful in not respecting the fact that he's not a father. He's a sperm donor and that it is.

To call him anything else undermines what a father is (no offence to OP here as he knew what he wanted). His family shouldn't have gotten involved with their bio-grandaughter to any degree that they have in my opinion and have been awful.

Edit: I never expected to be the top comment at all for any length of time. So my short take in response to the early comments definitely lacks the nuisance of some of the more recent ones.

I'd go to them and ignore this one personally, especially since more details have come out after I wrote this that give more on OPs character. Firstly, poor bio-daughter, sounds like she's going through a horrible time and it's nice his parents are helping here.

While I stand by (in my personal opinion) that I view the initial part as a sort of sperm donation / faux adoption and therefore they shouldn't have gotten involved until the bio-daughter reached out of her own accord. It sounds like they are doing a great job for her at the present.

OP, you seem to have a HUGE amount of resentment here which, to a degree, is understandable but the girl is going through a hard time so I'd try to show some empathy here.

Your family has 100% gone team bio-daughter and if having her around at all breaks hard boundaries for you then move on. While I believe you have no obligation to be her father I'd say you do have an obligation to not make her life harder (like any child).

Updating my judgement above accordingly to NTA very early on in life, ESH on the night. Parents & family for breaking boundaries, OP for being rude to a child who is going through an awful lot. Only person who isn't a TA (personally) is the bio-daughter who has a lot going on.

GhostParty21

His family isn’t obligated to dismiss a biological connection just because he does. They’re not obligated to be absentee relatives just because he wants to be. They have every right to have a connection with her and she has every right to her paternal family even if OP doesn’t want to be a part of it.

delinaX

That's all fair and well but inviting his daughter to his birthday is an ahole move. it HIS birthday, it's not that hard to respect his wishes.

TheLilLebowski3

In his comments he said the daughter lives with his parents as the mom is sick. He’s an idiot for not thinking she would be there with them in the first place.

Nervous-Net-8196

It was a SURPRISE PARTY. They are idiots for throwing one.

CarefulNow-

YTA. Just simply for the complete lack of empathy for this kid. It’s not her fault she was brought into this world. It’s not her fault her dad wants nothing to do with her. It’s not her fault she can see her dad exists but rather than be civil would rather abandon her or pack her off in a taxi.

It’s all very well saying you don’t want kids. You have one. And I see nothing from you understanding the level of abandonment and distress you have caused her. You even say you’re not anti kids. You just don’t like this one. Failing to recognise your behaviour is no doubt the reason she is so troubled. The way you talk about this child is grim. She’s the only innocent one here.

Redrooster433

I may be down voted to hell, but I say NTA. I really don’t understand all the YTA votes criticizing his parenting. He isn’t parenting at all because he and his girlfriend agreed that the only input he would have into that girl’s life would be child support.

His family wanting to have a relationship with her makes sense in a way, but they have been completely disrespectful of the agreement he made with the mother and his own choices. They have chosen the granddaughter over their son and that’s got to hurt.

They purposely put him in situations that are meant to torture him or create situations where he is purposely excluded. I agree, now that OP has lived through this experience, that a vasectomy is probably a good idea for him.

People suggesting that he should have made that choice before he became a father at 18 is ridiculous. I know 18 means you’re legally an adult, but teenagers often do not weigh potential consequences.

Additionally, he held the belief that his partner shared his feelings about being child free. They had that conversation. She changed her mind which she is 100% entitled to do, but that does not force him to change his.

The daughter’s attitude towards him has been fuelled by the adults in her life. Sure she can be bitter about the fact that her sperm donor doesn’t wish to have a relationship with her. That is fair.

But it’s obvious that OP’s siblings and parents have created an environment where she has been emboldened to be abusive towards him. I feel sorry for OP. I feel sorry for the daughter. I understand his perspective on wanting his birthday to be a happy time for him with his family.

So, do you think the OP is being dramatic or are they justified in wanting a say in their own celebration? Are potentially hurting the child that shares their DNA?

Sources: Reddit
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