Adult daughter called 'brat' for being angry 5yo blew out her birthday candles. AITA?
"AITA for telling my daughter she was being a brat after she cried about blowing out her birthday candles?"
I have 4 kids, 23, 20, 16 and 13. This concerns my oldest, I'll refer to her as 'Zara'. We don't normally do big parties in our family after double digits (and 18th/21st), but Zara has been going through a bit of a difficult time so we decided to throw her a surprise party. This was yesterday.
It was a big family party and Zara was enjoying it. Then the cake was brought out, I have a lot of young nieces and nephews so naturally they wanted to stand up with Zara, and she had no issue. When she went to blow out the candles, my 5 year old niece blew most of them out before her.
Everyone laughed it off, my youngest actually put 23 candles on the cake and there were still a few lit, so I told Zara to blow those out. She did, but she looked angry and started crying. She then walked off.
After that it got quite awkward and my sister (niece's mom) got upset/embarrassed, that her daughter is a kid and didn't mean to do it, and she didn't think Zara would act like this. We all calmed her down that it's not their fault.
I talked to Zara and told her she was being a selfish brat and making a scene, she's 23 getting mad about birthday candles. She was still upset, and my other kids are telling me I wasn't being fair with Zara.
Here is what people shared after hearing the story:
It's just candles people... the daughter over reacted and you all have issues if you think it was only a teachable moment for the 5 yr old.. it's a teachable moment for everyone.... there are bigger problems in life then blowing out candles at 23... rough time or not... she was way to sensitive about blowing out candles!!!
She got a party... she had family and friends there to celebrate... what more could you do for her other then hold her hand the rest of her adult life.
If I would be ever broken by not blowing out candles on a cake I would be rightfully so laughed at for the rest of my life.
OP says in a comment that 23YO is grieving a death and in main post that she's going through a hard time. Is it an overreaction? Sure, but this was a special thing for someone going through what is more than just a 'rough time.'
If you've never lost someone then I'm glad you haven't gone through that pain, but I empathize with what 23YO is going through and I completely understand why they acted that way. For me, it's not about the overreaction, it's about how OP reacted.
Honestly, OP is such an AH for telling their child that they are overreacting and not doing anything to make up for having her party ruined by a 5yo spitting all over her cake. OP's reaction screams 'i don't value my oldest and their feelings' which as an oldest child was how my parents were - OP seems to be putting 5yo over their own kid.
N T A on the surface, but it seems like there is more to this story. Could this difficult time be related to why she reacted so strangely?
I also don't think calling your daughter a selfish brat was the right thing to do, especially as you had this big party to try to help her through this difficult time. IMO it would have been better to show concern at her very abnormal reaction.
NTA omg did Zara forget how old she is?? 23. An adult. Her crying is obviously not about the candles as you said she has been going through a rough time but it still doesn't validate her to act like a 5 year old. Her reaction I would expect from a literal child, not an adult, unless she is mentally challenged or on the spectrum.
'I talked to Zara and told her she was being a selfish brat and making a scene'
This tho is what you did wrong. She wasn't being a brat at all about the candles, just childish. You should apologize for having used a harsher and wrong term of her actions, and see if you can ask and maybe even help with what's going on with her that birthday candles can cause such a childish behavior.
So there isn't much confusion: What OP said was bad and harsh but still wouldn't be t a because Zara in reality had acted out childish and OP just didn't approach it right.
ESH. 23yo and having a big party thrown for you and crying actual tears over candles which can be relit anyway is ridiculous.
Not watching your 5yo so they blow out the candles (and their own selection of airborne pathogens) on someone else's cake and then blaming the other party - ridiculous.
Calling your kid a selfish brat on their birthday because they had an emotional outburst, also ridiculous. Especially given you only threw the party because you thought they were in general in an emotional spot right now. You are all ridiculous.
ETA you are separately a massive AH for thinking when someone is grieving and is generally emotionally labile is a good time to throw them a surprise party and put them on display for a crowd of friends and family.
She probably cried because she was just overwrought and needed to not be stared at while being expected to 'look happy' in front of them all, especially when s**t wasn't going to plan.