'AITA wanting to leave my wife? She said she couldn’t care less about my kids.'
"AITA wanting to leave my wife for saying she couldn’t care less about my kids?"
So, my wife (41f) and myself (40m) got married almost 2 years ago now. We married 8 months into dating after she got pregnant. I’m tired of being beaten over the head with red flags. We have had quite a bit of issues in our marriage with trust.
No one cheated but she hid $50k from me that she received from her ex husband when he refinanced their old house. At the time, I was struggling trying to hustle in between jobs while waiting for a new job to start (about a 4 month wait) racking up debt and being treated like a failure for asking her to pay her own car payment for the months I was out of work.
We have a blended family. I have 2 kids, 10 and 8, from a previous marriage. She has 2 kids 14 and 12 from her previous marriage, and now we have a 10 month baby as well. We have had issues blending the family mostly from her kids who hadn’t adjusted to her and their dad being split since they were older when they split up.
She hasn’t been the best at being encouraging either as she always talked down about my house to her boys and talked down about my city to them. They lived in a 1 bedroom apartment at the time.
Anyways, as many of the redflags as there were, I’m still leaving lots out. Yesterday, I logged into my macbook that I’ve been letting her use for her photography business for editing etc. I got on my computer and her iMessage was open with a conversation with her ex.
What caught my eye was her mentioning my kids' names and what I read was a conversation about her ex asking about our family blending dynamic as their son is being a problem with his new family blending dynamic.
She played down her son being an issue and said it’s probably more of his new wife since she’s so focused on uniting their family and pushes that, whereas my wife said “I don’t try to connect the families. I put my kids and the baby first. I couldn’t care less about his kids.”
AITAH for making this the last straw and being so disgusted by her that I want out? I talked to a friend said she won't care about the stepkids because they're "just some other women’s kids that take away from hers." And also added that I have a new baby to think about too. I haven’t approached my wife with this yet. I’ve been kinda stewing on it. Thanks
Info from OP:
She was really awesome for the first 8-10 months. She got pregnant, so I proposed to her and a week after we got married, she miscarried. She was devastated and really wanted a baby. I felt like maybe it wasn’t meant to be with another baby but she really wanted one now.
I couldn’t tell her no right after losing that first baby so thought I’d bring it up later once she had emotionally recovered but then boom, pregnant again. Then everything changed. I chalked it up to pregnancy hormones.
Shortly after that I lost my job and knew I had another offer lined up, but I had to wait for and it just got worse in that period waiting for that other job. No support, no help, more fights, more gaslighting.
Q&A with OP:
SensibleFriend asks:
How have you never noticed your wife’s attitude toward your children? If she truly feels like that, she wouldn’t really be able to hide it. The attitude would be very apparent. I wouldn’t stay around anyone who felt that way and I certainly would not have my children around her.
You have a child with her though, so that’s really a huge commitment and even if you divorce, that’s at least 18 years of coparenting and/or child support. Proceed with caution.
evan00724 OP responded:
She’s just not very affectionate even with her own kids.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Adventurous-Iron-911 says:
Nta and I'd confront her with pic of that chat
evan00724 OP responded:
I have the pic. Just debating if I even make a fuss about it or just wait for the appropriate time to leave her. Next school year she will go back to teaching and we will get free childcare. She will be in a position where she can support herself with the added child support from me and her ex.
angel9_writes writes:
That was just your last straw. You've known for a while this isn't the right fit for you or your children. NTA.
babygirlrvt75 writes:
NTA and your friend is dead wrong about women and stepkids. Not all women are as s%$#ty as your wife. Your job is to protect your kids. ALL of your kids, and that means from your s*&^ty wife and her bratty kids. Leave her before she does some real damage to your kids.
Longjumping-Many4082 says:
YTA for getting her pregnant and now having to have a 18yr co-parenting nightmare with the living, breathing red flag. NTA for being upset over her attitude towards you and the kids. But it seems like the flags were flying in all their glory, yet you did in anyway...SMH..