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'My fiance won't invite a gay friend to his graduation party. This is a deal breaker.' UPDATED 4X

'My fiance won't invite a gay friend to his graduation party. This is a deal breaker.' UPDATED 4X

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When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

In a popular post on the Relationship Advice subreddit, a woman shared the saga of her fiance showing his true colors.

"My fiance's graduation party for his master's might be my deal breaker."

We met in college and decided to not get married until we graduated to focus on our studies, and we have been dating for four years. He proposed to me during his last semester of his master's program, and he is studying to become a teacher. I graduated with my bachelors not too long ago, but his graduation party is showing a side of him that I believe to be a deal breaker.

His graduation party will be held at his father's who has a pretty big backyard, and many of the people from our wedding will be going. However, unlike our wedding invitation list, he said he didn't want to invite Jason (fake name) and his parents because he recently came out as gay, and that led to a conversation

Jason and his parents were invited to our wedding, so that made me ask why he didn't want them at the graduation. He said that the wedding was an "us thing" and that he was "willing to compromise because it was our wedding." But when it came to the graduation, he said it was a "him thing because he was the one who graduated," so he didn't have to compromise "because he did the (school) work."

When I asked what he meant by compromise, he said he'd tolerate Jason at our wedding because "that's what couples do," but the graduation was about him. When I asked if he'd support potential future children that came out, he said he'd "tolerate it for me" although he "disagreed with it." It is my fault for not asking that question earlier before we became engaged, but he made his stance clear.

He said he'd be more distant to a child that turned out to be gay and would probably "let me do more of the parenting if so." He's always been a gentleman and amazing to me, but he grew up religious (parents were Christians) although he's said he's not anymore.

I don't think we have a future after he said he would distance himself from a child who came out and leave it to me, and I just want to ask how to tell him so. I'm thinking another conversation like we had, but I want to ask for the best way to go about it. What would be the best way to tell him that I don't think we have a future together given his stance?

Redditors had a lot to say about this dynamic.

onedayatatime08 wrote:

That actually broke my heart a little. He would "tolerate" the child? Man. Let's be real. Your boyfriend (fiance) is homophobic. If I had to guess, the rest of his family may be too. I could not imagine having children with a man that could hurt their child that deeply. I wouldn't marry him either. I guess you just need to say something like:

"I'm sorry, but I don't think you and I should get married. After our conversation about Jason that linked to how you would treat one of our children if they came out gay, I have come to realize that you and I have very different values and views."

"I would not be okay with how you intend to handle things. I'm not okay with any of that, actually."

He can reply and try to backtrack, but I'm glad you found this out before you married him.

OP responded:

Really appreciate how you spelled that out. I will try my best to be precise when I talk to him. It just really hurt when he said it too because he was so firm in how he said it and literally said he'd leave the parenting of future gay children to me.

LeeroyX wrote:

I’m sorry, that’s hard.

On another note, I’m also sad he has a high chance of making life more difficult across his career for any gay children at any school he teaches at. I’m not surprised you don’t wish to marry him, it sounds like ongoing pain and disappointment.

OP responded:

I've been thinking about that too honestly. He already subs at a school while working on his masters, and if he said he'd distance himself from his own gay kid, I wonder how he'd treat a gay student.

BimboTwitchBarbie wrote:

Definitely. Tell him you aren’t interested in marrying a misogynistic bigot. Him saying that he would leave the child rearing up to you, is so entitled and selfish. He probably would be useless as a dad regardless. I bet he would find any reason to ‘let you’ take the burden of childcare on your own. I’m glad you found out before it was too late.

OP responded:

I should've asked him earlier, but I also think it's a good thing to have found out now. Should I just tell him in another conversation that I don't think our views align for the future on this matter?

I don't know what you mean by 'shall I just tell him in another conversation that our views don't align for the future on this matter'? Obviously the conversation you had the other night is over, so in order to talk to him about this, you need to have another conversation. So I know you've mentioned telling your parents first so they are aware of the situation and able to support you, so I would tell them asap.

Like today. Then you need to decide on where and when to tell him. If there's a chance he could become angry then you want to either have your parents at your house while you tell him (if you live together), or go somewhere public etc. Then have the conversation with him ASAP.

If you live together, you need to decide if you're going to go stay with your parents or if you ask him to leave if its your place, or decide either way if its a joint place. But if you are going to stay with your parents, make sure you have all your important paperwork and documents and any important sentimental items packed and ready to go with you in case he tries to do something vindictive.

And if you're going to go stay with your parents, have a bag packed and maybe even in your parents car before you talk to him. Then asap, once you're sorted, tell him you need to talk to him about an important issue, and sit down in the lounge. Then tell him how it is.

That you don't feel you're compatible anymore due to his views and feelings over gay people, and how he would even leave the parenting to you if your child was gay and he would step back from their life. That you don't want to be with someone whose homophobic and would disown their own child because of their sexual preferences.

So due to this major difference on opinions and values, you don't want to be with him anymore as you can't see a future together. You want a husband who will be involved in all his kids lives and love and care for them no matter what. He's likely to try and back track and say he didn't mean it seriously, or that he knows he's wrong and he wouldn't do that, etc.

He'll BS you with what he thinks you want to hear in order to stay together but you know his true feelings and how he is treating your friend, and how he would definitely treat your children in future. So stick to your guns coz what ever he says will just be bullsxxt. Then you can decide whether to discuss living arrangements and whose going to live in your place.

Or you can just walk away and go stay with your parents etc. It will be hard coz you've obviously loved him up to now and may not have seen this side of him before, although I'm surprised opinions about gay people hasn't come up before now. But just be glad it did, because it's saved you from being tied to a person who would happily disown his own children if they turned out gay.

And any of your friends or family who may be gay will always be unwelcome in your home or at your events in future. But I'd try and have the talk with him asap so as to get it over with as soon as possible. Just make sure your prepared with a bag packed and important stuff taken to your parents.

Anything else you can go back for later, but just make sure important documents and passport and banking stuff and sentimental items are removed just in case he becomes vindictive. Good luck. It's definitely for the best.

OP responded:

Some others suggested maybe having him over with my parents when I tell him in case he gets upset and being up front as you were just now. I'll be honest with him about why and hope to not be too nervous when saying it.

Over a month later, OP jumped on with a major update.

A lot of people suggested talking to my fiancé in an open space or my parent's home about my deal breaker, but I wasn't able to do my parents home although I got to talk to them and they agreed with my reasoning. They said they were disturbed by how easily he admitted he would distance himself from a potentially gay child and that it was a good thing it came out before the wedding.

I also got a lot of people calling me out for not broaching the topic of gay children or how he felt about LGBTQ in the years we dated, and that's on me for never thinking to bring up. Going forward, it will be something I ask early on before getting emotionally invested in a relationship

Because I couldn't speak to him at my parent's place, we ended up talking at a place we went for lunch, and I told him that I couldn't go forward in the relationship because he repeatedly said he wouldn't accept any children who came out. But when I said that, he didn't try to take it back and said that he was willing to "compromise" for me.

He said it was better than "pretending" to agree with coming out and that he was being honest, but I told him I was done because of his beliefs, and he didn't take it well. He took it fine at the restaurant and finished lunch without saying much else, and he kept saying I was overreacting and that he couldn't believe I wanted to end the relationship over him wanting to compromise.

My parents have been helping me with cancelling the wedding, but he took his spite online He made a Facebook rant a few days after that doubled down on a lot of the things he said, and he said he made it to explain his side of things. He said that I was breaking up with him despite him honest about his willingness to compromise and "not hiding it like many couples internalize things."

He also said our country was "changing things that was always wrong" such as gay rights, and he said that people were "trying to shove gay rights down everyone's throats." He also said that you "can't say anything these days because of cancel culture and MeToo catering to sensitive people," and he said that the value of education was dropping because people were "becoming more stupid."

He also said that that was why he wanted to become a teacher because there "weren't enough good ones." and those were just a few of the things in his rant. He also said that MeToo "enabled people from the consequences of their behavior" when they should instead "look at themselves in the mirror and how they dressed" too.

He never said anything about MeToo during the duration of our relationship or anything that outspoken about gay rights until his graduation planning, and it was honestly surprising to read what he wrote. As I said above, I will be asking these questions at the start of dating going forward.

Lastly, some people suggested reporting my ex-fiancé to the school in my previous post because they said he could be harmful to gay students, and I especially agree after the post he made. I did receive a lot of hateful DMs from people who agreed with my ex and said that I'd be wrong to contact the school.

Some even accused me of considering "cancelling" him in DMs and a few comments on my last post, but I don't see it as that. I see calling the school as something that's important because this mindset is harmful to so many, and he is already a substitute teacher at an elementary school (he began subbing before he graduated).

I want to ask what would be the best way to go about it; whether that would be an email, phone call, or potential visit to do it in-person. I have already screenshotted the post he made, and I've only answered questions about the breakup from people who have called so far. My parents are helping me with some people who have called them too, but that is my last.

Redditors had a lot of responses to the update.

SomeRazzmaTazz399 wrote:

Congratulations on doing the hard thing, the right thing.

OP responded:

I just hope I can with time, but I'll try to ask those questions from the beginning of dating in the future. Just wish I had this time.

birdlover666 wrote:

Please update us when you talk to his employers because this is a horrible position for someone like him to be in. Teachers should be caring and empathetic to ALL students without bias.

OP responded:

He's already been teaching as a substitute while working towards his masters, but he wants to become full-time.

Jen5872 wrote:

Tell him congrats for being honest about being a bigot. He must be so proud. WTH kind of compromise is tolerating gay children for you? He thinks he should be teaching children when he would only tolerate his own children if they were gay? I wouldn't want this homophobe teaching my kids no matter how they identified.

OP responded:

He kept saying he was being a better partner than those who try to hide how they feel and internalize, but he didn't get that it didn't make what he said any better.

Whatidoidobc wrote:

To anyone else struggling with a similar situation - this is how you do it. If we expect to see any progress, it's necessary for there to be consequences for these people. We can't give them credibility by staying with them or being their friends. They want to make life miserable for people they are wrong about. Take their power away from them.

OP responded:

I cannot tell you how many hateful DMs I received in my last post about how I was wrong to disagree with him and one in particular who said I was punishing him for using his first amendment rights.

Huntress145 wrote:

Send an email with your proof to his school principal and superintendent. Congrats on doing the hard but right thing for yourself and his students. He shouldn’t be in a classroom. Also, they specifically go over this stuff about what teachers shouldn’t be posting online. Don’t blame yourself for the consequences of his stupid actions.

OP responded:

I'll send an email, and someone else suggested that method too. Really appreciate your advice and answer to my question.

OcielXD wrote:

He can't stand even having Jason and their parents at his graduation party...but planning on becoming a teacher? How's that going to work out for him if it turns out some of his students are gays, trans, etc.? I'm already feeling dreaded for his future students.

Also, how does being a part of the LGBTQA+ have anything to do with 'his thing,' aka party anyways? It's not like the kid's gonna steal his spotlight or whatever. I'd write an e-mail or phone-in first, and then request to meet up with the school representative(s) or principal/dean/etc. if needed. I'm sorry that you have to deal with the backlash from those people...for doing the right thing, and thank you.

OP responded:

He said he could choose the guest list for his graduation because he "did the work to graduate," so it was all about him. I kinda get that like a birthday party and inviting people that you want to be there, but not inviting someone because they're gay and they don't like being around it was really troubling even if it was at his own party.

That's why he was upset that I wanted to break up because he said he was compromising for me.

Roughly two months later, OP left another update.

I didn't really plan to make another post, but I received a lot more DMs that made me wanna come back, and I read through many of the comments there too which made me wanna address something. To those who called me out for not seeing any signs of his homophobia earlier; you're absolutely right.

I just assumed the best and never thought to question it, but I will now ask the tough questions going forward at the beginning of future relationships such as political stances along with opinions on race and gender, and that should help prevent time from being wasted on people similar to my ex.

I just assumed the best because we have another friend who is trans and was always cool with him, and my ex used to like the posts that he made when he came out some years back. He also liked a post that he shared at a pride walk, so there was that too. Going forward, I won't assume anymore because at the end of the day, a like really doesn't mean anything

I sent an email with an attachment of his now-deleted Facebook rant to a few places; the school he subs at/was subbing at before he graduated, and the school district along with the county office of education where we live thanks to advice provided by a commenter who I DM'd for more advice.

I also told people I knew about why we were breaking up and showed them the post, and that did most of the talking for me. I broke up with my ex before contacting the school, and I decided on a text because we didn't live together and also had my dad return the ring to his parent's home where he gave it to his mom and had minimum interaction.

I was too scared/cowardly to do it myself, so I took them on their offer to drop it off for me. In the text, I told him that I couldn't marry him due to his homophobia comments and opinion along with telling him that my parents would drop off the ring so that it was in writing, and I blocked him after sending.

He didn't have any belongings at my place, but he's been livid about the way I handled it, and I'll admit that I was afraid to do it face to face because I was a coward, but he took to Facebook again.

He made another post talking about how dad returned the ring instead of me and that I didn't give him "credit" for being honest about his willingness to compromise and proceeded to "ghost" him, pretty much erasing the purpose of his deleted post by referring to the same points.

I'll admit that I was cowardly about how I handled it, but what really surprised me was when his dad took to Facebook about it too, and he accused me of "cancelling him" for an opinion he shared along with saying that "communication in marriage is dead." He called me "retar_ed" in his post and that "people like me was the reason Trump lost" because "no one had morals."

He also said that Trump "needed to win again to stop cancel culture" because his son was "punished" for his opinion. I want to remind you that my ex was not religious despite his parents being big Christians, but I'm guessing he vented to them about it and is back involved in some way given the post

The last thing I'll say is this, and I kept it to the end because I'm not looking for advice as I'm only taking it from a lawyer on this matter that my parents have helped me contact. My ex called my job and apparently told them that I had CP and that that was why he left, and I don't know where he pulled that out of his a$$ from.

I don't know if he was talked to about the emails I sent to the district involving his post, but my dad seems to think that it might be retaliation although he's not sure because it's only been a few weeks.

He thinks it could be retaliation for my letter to the district or for ghosting him, but we're looking into a lawyer as I was recently made aware of the accusation at my job when I was talked to, and that is where my focus lies. I really appreciate the advice I received and hope that at the least, telling the school will have done some good.

Someone also suggested looking into LGBTQ things to support and give energy to, and I'll look into that once I'm past this job situation.

People were invested in the second update.

LegitimateAd7205 wrote:

Hey OP. I’m so proud of you. I wish you all the luck in the world for the future. Thank you for updating us again. 🖤 Much love.

iluvnarchoa wrote:

What does your workplace think about you after the accusations? Did you show them the proof of his homophobia and the reason you broke up? Some companies would just fire their employees without a second thought so I don’t think they believe him since they tell you but I honestly feel like you dodge a major bullet.

His family are in denial and enabling his behaviour, while his true colors show how destructive and selfish he can be. You would have been miserable being married to him. I also think you did right by informing the schools about his homophobia.

RepulsiveRun9737 wrote:

Honestly this dude sounds unhinged, I doubt the phone call sounded sane either.

RogueNinja wrote:

It's not cowardly. You trusted your gut that nothing good would come out of engaging these people face to face. It's often best to trust your gut. You took a stand for your beliefs. What you have done is admirable.

A month later, OP shared another update.

Many people have cursed at me in DMs asking how four years of dating never showed it, and I thought I apologized in my last post, but I kept getting those messages, so I just wanna say again that I'm sorry and that going forward, I'll ask for political/gender beliefs on the first date to not waste time with potentially hateful people.

I'm just tired of being yelled at about it, and there have been some supportive comments too. But the majority of them are either calling me out for not seeing it OR for "wrongfully canceling" him and agreeing with many of the points his father made in his Facebook rant. If the news was on TV as we were doing something/eating, my ex didn't voice his homophobia then as many asked.

And when we talked about kids, it was wrong of me to not ask what he'd think if they came out; lesson learned for next time. As previously mentioned, we also had a friend who came out, and he's very close to them and accepting. But with that out of the way, I'll get to why this is my last post aside from the majority of hateful DMs.

My ex's dad hasn't stopped posting about me on Facebook, and it's all pretty much the same cancel culture rants from last time and calling me a "leftist" among other things. I have also received a number of social media DMs spouting similar hate to the DMs I received on Reddit, and I directly blame him and his dad for this.

I mentioned last time that I was looking into a lawyer, and my parents have helped me with the search which has been helpful because of how his dad continued. His dad posted my socials and home address to one of his Facebook posts (thus why I deleted my Instagram), and he said that he was going to "cancel me back" too.

Another reason I contacted a lawyer was because I received a threatening DM, but that's the most I'm gonna go into specifics. I only received one of those, but it was enough to make me and my parents want to be on the safer side, and that's another reason why I'm done making these posts because I want this whole thing to be over soon.

I really appreciate the supportive DMs I received in the midst of the hateful ones, and I also appreciate the majority of supportive comments from BORU that was sent to me by someone in a DM too. I really hope the whole thing is over soon because it's been draining, but hopefully the lawyer can at least provide some peace of mind.

People jumped on with more support for OP.

Occulus wrote:

You're fantastic. I'm not going to blame you for not discussing it earlier, why should you if you think your future partner is a compassionate, intelligent, caring, human being. The fact that when you found out the truth, that only one (possibly) of those is true, you called him out, and it shows the type of person you are. Well done.

Wild_Pomegranate5772 wrote:

I am so proud of you. You are strong and fighting for those who are demonized. You are amazing. “Woke” is a beautiful thing. It means you are not somnambulant and not letting someone else hypnotize you. Well done. Stay strong. And to those who are bigots who get offended when called out - get used to it. We know the harm you do, and we will not let it stand.

Speaking as a straight, middle-aged man, the sentence is "There is no such thing as Gay Rights." Gay Rights are Human Rights. When you care about Gay Rights you are caring about Human Rights, the same goes for any oppressed minority, we're all human, and these are our Human Rights, no matter our disabilities, colour, religion (as long as we don't use it to oppress others) etc.

Temporary-Laugh-227 wrote:

Late to the party but I think you did the right thing - for all of it. Don’t listen to the haters - they suck! Be safe and good luck in the future. Also absolutely seek police and legal help in regards to the hate, threats and harassment! None of that is okay...ever!

Rosebudding_240 wrote:

I'm rooting for you! I'm so sorry that you almost married this scumbag and I'm hoping he has what's coming to him.

Months later, OP shared yet another update.

The past few months have been really tough, and the encouragement I've gotten from reading my story on BORU has helped more than I can express.When I broke up with him and told the school about him, I didn't know the next few months would be so tough, so I need to vent to get it out because things have been stressful.

When I mentioned how my ex's father has been posting about me on Facebook in my previous posts, he posted my home address (and a link to my socials) in one of his rants (where he said he'd "cancel me back" for cancelling his son), and that led to me (among other things) looking into a lawyer. However, I also moved back into my parents for a few reasons since my last post

Someone slashed my tires in front of my home at night, and to this day, I don't know who. I have no proof that it's connected to him putting my address on Facebook, but I think it could've been. I also made a police report, but they didn't find who did it. I also mentioned in my last post that I was getting threats without going into specifics.

But to be honest, some of them were dea_h threats that gave me lots of anxiety. I'm guessing they could be from some of my ex's friends or his father's, but I also received a lot of messages on my socials (since his Facebook post where he linked my socials) that led to me deleting my socials, many cursing me out and calling me "woke" among other things.

My reddit posts were also picked up by numerous Tiktok accounts that share reddit stories with a videogame playing in the background, and I was recently made aware of three of them that seemed to garner some attention (one with 80k views and a couple hundred comments; another with 20k), and a fair bit of the comments were supportive of my ex.

That also directed traffic back to my Reddit post that led to a few more hateful DMs since my last update (along with a fair bit of supportive ones too), so that was another wave of messages to go through. I have no quarrel with the videos themselves because many comments were supportive too (and the channels share other Reddit stories too).

The fact that some commented in agreement with my ex doesn't make the video bad either, but was just a realization of homophobia (some comments made fun of Jason for coming out while others said my ex was right to uninvited him). It's just been a lot, and I came back to get it off my chest. I know I'll get more hateful comments after updating, but I also want to say I don't regret what I did.

My ex hid his homophobia (we had friends who came out who he supported, and he came to pride marches with them too). As many commented, the mask came off eventually. In regards to the CP accusations from my ex/father (child p0rnography for those who were confused in the comments in my previous post where I didn't indicate), my parents helped hire a lawyer, but I won't go into specifics on that.

All I'll say is that we're taking it seriously and are taking legal action against it. If anything comes from it, I'll share it in an update. The tire slashing and threats also did a number on my mental health, but it showed me some things too. The DMs also showed me just how ruthless people are, strangers who would never say such things to my face.

I'm considering moving out of state, but I'm currently with my parents for safety reasons now. I especially appreciate reading the supportive comments because they really help, and I'm also with a therapist, but progress hasn't been great yet (there's a lot of mental health stuff I don't feel comfortable going into specifics about). It's been a lot of craziness, but I hope it calms down with time.

The internet fully had her back.

wbgookin wrote:

Boy, the anti-woke “f your feelings” crowd sure are a bunch of snowflakes.

needledick666 wrote:

Great job. And thank you for being one of the reasons trump lost and will loser again. Any bit of accountability for Christians/homophobes feels like oppression. They can’t handle being told no, or what to do.

christakin wrote:

I'm sorry you've dealt with so much hate while trying to work against hate - you did all the right things. I hope the lawyer is able to put a stop to the nonsense you are going through, and that you get some peace.

LecteurInfini wrote:

I'm sorry, I am a little late to this, but just wanted to address something I noticed no one is addressing.

Your former soon-to-sadly-be FIL posting your address online is DOXXING. That is cyberbullying and a crime in most jurisdictions. He knew what he was doing. He knows how capable "anti-leftist"(or whatever you want to call them) are at committing acts of violence. As for the rest. As a member of the LGBTQ community, I don't fault you for not realizing.

Your post said it all, he knew how to hide it and hid it well. In his vocabulary he "compromised" because of you. Look, hateful people know how to shield their views around non-hateful people to seem more accepting. It's only been the advent social media, specifically the tea-party, and Trumpism that we've seen them become bold with their voices.

This has been around a long time, hiding behind dog whistles like "traditional family values" to let their stance be known to those in the know and those who don't sound ok. This type of behavior has always been around and masking it in mixed company is normal.

His grift was exactly what you didn't fall for. Hide it well, seem well adjusted, and on the same level of morality as you then after the investment of time and emotions, slowly begin to be more open about his intolerance and hope you'll let this little thing slide, then this little bit over here, and slowly work his way until you accept his unabashed hate. It's the same playbook that abusers use.

You didn't fall for it and now the man that taught him his narcissism is having a full-blown meltdown because you didn't allow his crotch-goblin of a son to manipulate you.

Also, the false cp accusation - another manipulation, what you provided was proof, what he did was defamation/libel (whichever way it was communicated), that's a lawsuit, it's to destroy your credibility to keep the image of him as a good person and "accepting" person intact. So file police reports, talk to a lawyer. Protect yourself.

And finally, feel pride that you saw evidence that there was the possibility of harm to a marginalized community that you consider yourself an ally, and instead of rug sweeping you confronted it head on, and drew a line in the sand and you followed through on your allyship. That is the truest test of character, and while many allies (who are still allies) sometimes falter, you have it in spades. Thank you!

ingridible9 wrote:

Ignore all the hateful comments! It's hard to see red flags like that at times and absolutely do not blame yourself for assuming you were dating a decent human being instead of assuming the opposite.

You're doing great and I wish you nothing but the best moving forward. Hopefully you can get some justice and have him and his dad pay for the stress they're putting you through. Definitely a restraining order at the very least!

OP is definitely NTA here, in any universe, hopefully she's safe moving forward.

Sources: Reddit
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