'I found out my BF went through my things while I was out of town.' UPDATED

"My boyfriend went through my things while I was out of town."

My boyfriend (35/M) and I (30/F) have been together almost a year, coming up now at the beginning of March. Known him for 15 years prior. He went through my things in my bathroom while I was out of town for my grandma’s funeral. I left my apartment key with the intention of him checking and bringing in my mail while I was away for the 10 days. He did that for the first couple days as we were in contact the whole time.

He did mention he actually stayed there to take naps? He asked if he could take the cold medicines I had bc he was sick. I told him he could use them once but if he needed more I’d Zelle him money to get his own since I like to have them if I need. Now, he didn’t mention he stayed there and got drunk.

I get home after him picking me up from the airport and notice where I keep all my jewelry and sometimes stash “party favors” was all a mess and things were moved, not put back and completely left out. When I confronted and asked him about it he admitted it and said he was looking to see if I have any “party favors” stashed bc he wanted to do some. I didn’t have any.

But what I keep asking myself and have asked him is if I did have them, would he have done them and not asked or told me? Why didn’t he just ask me if I had anything? And why didn’t he not tell me he was looking for them? I’m guessing this happened about 5 days before I got home and we talked on the phone and texted every single day so he had every opportunity to tell me what and why he did what he did.

I feel like he totally crossed a boundary and invaded my privacy. And that is so huge to me. He did this when he could’ve instead idk, thrown my trash out that I forgot to take, wash the 5 dishes I had left in my sink, or even put on my couch cushion covers back on the cushions for when I got back home.

But no, he decided to act like a fiend and rummage through my belongings bc he said he was drunk and just wanted to get high. He was very nonchalant about it and really didn’t apologize until I asked him to leave my apartment.

Bc of this I didn’t come home to comfort after losing my grandma who was one of the most important people in my life. Didn’t spend valentines with my boyfriend either bc he just didn’t see or realize how much it really bothered me and ultimately gave me a huge ick.. I love him but I just want to know if there is a way I could move forward from something like this for us to still be together.

To me, this is like secretly reading my journal. Just a huge invasion of privacy. He didn’t take anything that I know of but I just don’t know if I can forgive him. Is there even a chance of reconciliation for something like this ? What can the both of us do to move forward and for me to be able to trust him in my space again?

What do you think? Is there any chance of reconciliation? Any advice for how to handle this? This is what top commenters had to say:

BlackStarBlues said:

My condolences for your loss. "He asked if he could take the cold medicines I had bc he was sick. I told him he could use them once but if he needed more I’d Zelle him money to get his own since I like to have them if I need." He can't afford his own OTC meds? What in the freeloading hell is this?

OP:

Thank you. I only offered to buy the meds bc I knew he just paid his rent and wasn’t feeling good. I just wanted to help from far away without him doing too much while he was sick. I realize how silly I sound with these comments pointing out what I’ve stated. I guess I just needed unbiased thoughts to help me see clearly.

Beatleslover4ever1 said:

No. You’re lucky that you saw the real person you are dating, and how he would “support” you in the future. You are better off without him.

gmel007 said:

Why are you having to give a 35yr old man money 🤦🏻‍♂️

Mission-Patient-4404 said:

Dump him and change the locks. He cannot be trusted

And SleepyFoxDog said:

I'm not a huge fan of using the word ick, but, in this case, it absolutely belongs here. For me this would go deeper than him simply rummaging through your things this time. I would take this as a sign that I could never trust him alone with my belongs. I would have a hard time trusting his word. Also, due to the nature of what he was looking for, I would be cautious about him stealing money and other valuables from me.

In response to the comments, OP wrote:

You’re all making some points that I hadn’t considered. Thank you for that. I have an intense conversation to be had with him in the next few days. He’s been very distant with me since the incident and only offered an extended apology by offering to buy a game I really want but he can’t afford atm. I told him he can’t buy my forgiveness. So yeah… I feel like I know what I have to do.

She later shared this update:

So we had a conversation in person yesterday and I did end up breaking up with him.

He showed up with flowers and a valentines gift. While I appreciated it, it didn’t really change how I felt. At the end of the day, the feeling he gave me from what he did would have always been there with us trying to be the dynamic we were before.

Re: substance use, we would recreationally dabble for events and the reason he would think I’d have anything else is bc I usually put away what I don’t do at an event to save for the next. I haven’t indulged in over 2 months bc I have had a busy life lately and doing favors doesn’t really make life easier when you have stuff to take care of.

He has a job, his own place. The first half of our relationship was long distance and he moved to my city last July. I made a pros and cons list and the cons were significantly longer than the pros. Thanks for all the different views I hadn’t considered clearly before typing this.

We will remain friends, and maybe in the future we could possibly work on getting back together after we’ve both worked through our own issues. ✌🏼