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'AITA if I break up with my GF because she's a single mom?' UPDATED 3X

'AITA if I break up with my GF because she's a single mom?' UPDATED 3X


'AITA if I break up with my GF because she's a single mom?'

I started this relationship 2 years ago when I was 28. Due to the 1 hour drive we only see each other on the weekends. She has her son M-F and the weekends dad gets her son (7yo). I really only see him on Sunday nights when he gets dropped.

I was always nice to her son. I would play Minecraft and take him out, even went on vacation with her and him a couple of times. But I'm not going to lie I never loved the idea of dealing with him.

Despite my attempts at treating him like my own he has proven time and time again that he's just a difficult kid to deal with. I want to keep this post short so I'll spare the details. But the problem is that recently he's been with us every weekend and I'm starting to get a clearer view into my future with her and her son.

I have zero time to myself, there's no intimacy (haven't slept together in over a month), and I find myself hiding in the bathroom just to get a moments peace. I no longer look forward to my weekends I actually look forward to Monday because at least after work I have a few hours to myself for some peace.

I'm starting to realize what my future is looking like and it horrifies me. I tried having a conversation with my girl about it a few times but it always seems to lead to an argument. It's like I have all the responsibilities of a parent, but none of the authority. I really love my girlfriend and we have such a good relationship outside of her son, but now I think it's time for me to end it.

I just feel completely awful about the whole thing because I knew she was a single mother before I got into this relationship, but I kept ignoring red flags and kept telling myself it would get better, but it hasn't, it just kept getting worse. I feel like I wasted both of our time but i'm just having trouble letting go.

Every time I think about ending it I get scared that i'll miss her too much. But deep down I know that I have to. AITA? Any advice or anyone else go through this before?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:


It is ok to realize that you do not want to be in this boy's life. The sooner you break up with her, the less attachment her son will have with you. This is why it is called dating.


There’s an old saying “The best time to plant a tree is 10 years ago. The second best time is right now.” While you tried to connect with her son, it just didn’t work out. Time to sever ties and wish them both the best so she can find someone who can connect. NTA


Listen, if you feel like that, get out. Save yourself. Move on. It will sting but ultimately you will be happier. As a step parent myself to a very difficult child, it never gets easier. There is literally no happiness in our home anymore, and I have three of my own kids who are miserable as well. I wish I had not ignored some red flags. You cannot love someone "through" these kinds of situations.


Im sorry, that's really stressful and sad. I think you should always remember that your gut is showing you the way to a better state of mind. Of course you'll miss her, you love her. She's probably an amazing person and this could have all worked out without her son.

But the reality of the matter is that her son is a part of her too, and it's an unfortunate dealbreaker. You can't sink your own ship to bring her with you. Sometimes love isn't enough and all those other little details have to match up too. But it'll be okay. Now that you know, you have to set the both of you free. Doing anything other than that would be a real waste of time.


I'm writing this as a single parent. You aren't doing anything wrong by leaving the relationship. Here's the thing, my child ALWAYS comes first. That's my job as a parent. If the person I was dating felt the way you do (which are valid feelings), it may sting when they ended things but I would respect it because I want my child to see a healthy relationship.

I would never expect a step-parent to 100% treat my child as their own, although that would be amazing. You're right, it's hard and it doesn't tend to get easier, it just changes. I also resort myself to another room from time to time just to get a few minutes of silence, it's normal.

All three of you deserve a functioning relationship without resentments. If this relationship isn't working for you, you're all better off without it. Dating a single parent can be very tough.

Not long after his original post, OP shared this update:

Thanks everyone, I appreciate all the comments. I just wanted to clarify that the red flags were not her being a mother. Although her parenting style isn't one I endorse completely so I guess that could be a red flag. But I'm just saying I ignored the red flags that involved other aspects of single motherhood that are not exactly her fault.

For example, her son's father is a deadbeat and doesn't support their son financially at all so I know that burden would fall on my shoulders completely if we were to stay together. Something I really didn't consider going into it. Should have been obvious I know, but we all make mistakes. I have nothing but love for her and will make an update post once I have the conversation with her. Very soon.

Then, OP followed up a few weeks later with this major update:

Long story short, I told her I was unhappy, I asked if I could have some time to myself maybe 1 weekend a month I can stay home, she said no. It's all or nothing with us. I offered her couples therapy and even told her I'd pay for the entire thing. She refused said she already has enough therapy. I told her then we need to end it.

It was an awful conversation and there was tons of crying until she just hung up on me.

A little backstory: she's been through terrible trauma in her life and I was worried she might not be OK because she's still dealing with some of it.

Anyway, I was worried about her but she refused to talk to me. Wouldn't answer calls or texts. I figured it was just over now and I need to leave her alone. The next morning I get a text from her asking me to come get my stuff I had left there. I told her just throw it all out.

The stuff wasn't worth me going over there because it would be too hard to see her now. She basically said please just come get your stuff I don't want to look at it anymore either. And she said this will be the last time we will see each other so let's say goodbye.

I agreed and drove over there, when I got there I was met with a pile of my stuff. I started taking trips bringing it down to my car. When I went to get the last of my stuff I saw her sitting on the kitchen floor just crying. I sat next to her for a while not saying anything. She kinda made a move where she moved away from me a few inches. I looked at her and said "I should probably go, huh?" She nodded her head.

I got up and as I was leaving I just said to her "I just wished you didn't think I was a horrible person". She started yelling from the floor about how she did nothing wrong and what not. I couldn't take the yelling, I said good bye and left. As I was walking down the hallway I was haunted by the sounds of her crying so loud I could hear it very clear.

As I left her building and got into my car she called me. She was upset that I didn't want to talk, but I explained to her there wasn't anything left to talk about. She kept going on and on about how awful I was and not doing the right thing, etc. and she refused to take any blame.

At this point i'm already on the highway about 15 minutes away from her apartment when she asks me to come back inside to talk. I told her no, I am already leaving, she started crying and begging me to turn around and talk. I said "I am sorry, I am so sorry" and I hung up the phone (first time I've ever done that to her, but she's hung up on me over a dozen times).

She started immediately blowing up my phone. I couldn't deal with it I was losing my mind, so I just turned the phone off.

I left it off for a day and when I turned it on I saw a few short texts and missed calls. I immediately just went ahead and blocked her.

I don't know if I did the right thing, I feel so damn terrible about this whole thing. I want to be there for her, hearing her cry killed me inside. But I know me being there for her will just rope me back into the relationship that I was no longer wanting to be in.

Even though I still love her, and in fact I am still in love with her. But it's too much, I know I won't be happy. She wrote me 2 emails since she figured out she was blocked. I haven't read them yet. I can see they addressed in letter format but I don't have the strength to read them at this time.

This whole thing sucks. Hopefully this doesn't get automatically taken down. Anyway, thanks everyone and if you have advice on how to get through this that would be very helpful. Thanks.

Commenters reassured OP that he did the right thing.

[deleted] said:

So she didn’t want to give you a weekend off and instead she gave you a life time off. Honestly I could see why she would FEEL like she wants all or nothing from you. But she has a child that isn’t yours, she should have the skills to rationalize why you would want a weekend off sometimes.

I’ve never dated a girl with a kid so I can’t relate too heavily but it seems just from this here that you are empathetic and rational, and you gave her every chance to have a real conversation and she was just emotionally distraught the entire time. I think after all of that blocking and moving on completely is probably a decent choice. Leaving wiggle room for conversation won’t be healthy for either of you.

And said:

proud of you bro. you handled it well. atm the best thing is to just go to as little to no contact as possible. work on what makes you happy

And then OP shared this final update:

I never thought this would get so much attention, this has been the most difficult thing I've dealt with in my life so thank you all so much for the kind words, it has all helped out tremendously. Last night I ended up reading the letters she sent me (before I looked at this post again) and the first letter was super apologetic, actually made me tear up, it was very sweet and it made things really difficult...

then I read the second letter which was sent 12 hours after the first one and it was more blame, she was venting about all the things I did wrong, etc. In retrospect I should not have read either of the letters, but the 1st letter reminded me of the good times, and then the 2nd one reminded me why I broke up with her in the first place.

So I am glad she wrote the second one because if it was just the first one then who knows what I'd be feeling right now. Anyway I am going to continue to be strong and block her on any other methods she tries contacting me with (She even started calling me from her work phone number, I didn't answer but I googled it and confirmed that had to be her) I blocked that number as well.

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