'My boyfriend of 7 years completely ghosted me out of the blue.' UPDATED
"My (24f) boyfriend (26m) of 7 years completely ghosted me out of the blue!"
It feels completely unreal. I'm 24, I have been with this guy since I was 17. A quarter of my life and basically my whole adult life! He is the first and only person I slept with.
Nothing happened! We didn't have an argument, we had a great relationship. (at least in my opinion) One day we were cuddling on the couch and the next I can't get a hold of him. He blocked me on everything. I was so worried at first! My first thoughts were that he was hurt or dead or in a terrible accident.
I only learned from a mutual friend that he basically moved halfway across the country, he is still alive at least. He just doesn't want to talk to me. It's been 3 weeks now! What do I even do? Do I travel after him? I don't even know where to. Do I give him time? I hope I'm not appearing like an overly obsessive girlfriend but what the heck? :( 7 years!
I need closure, even if it would be: "You are ugly, I never loved you." "I have found somebody else." Anything. Am I expecting too much? I can't just discard 7 years like a used yogurt cup.
Maybe I did something wrong but I don't know what it could be without him telling me. I didn't cheat on him. I have always tried to be kind and caring. :( I wasn't a financial burden either, I paid for my own things and paid half of everything.
I'm trying to think of all the things I could have done wrong. I had a terrible childhood. I was abused. Maybe he thought I was too depressed and sad at times but he still could have told me. I would have understood.
He and our mutual friend both blocked me now and I'm not getting any answers. I'm just sad and confused and don't know what to do. :( 3 weeks might not seem that long, maybe he'll change his mind. I just don't know what to do or how to handle this. :(
This is what top commenters had to say:
_WitchoftheWaste said:
Honestly all I can say is "what the heck?!". My heart hurts for you, but the mutual friend blocking you as well has thrown up some "something had to have happened, or thats what hes saying to people" vibes. But really, no amount of cyber stalking him or friends is going to fix this. No amount of begging or all of the things you want to do. If he wanted to give you closure he would have.
And he sucks beyond words for not giving you that if all was well The more you chase answers the crazier you will feel and look- even though you absolutely deserve those answers. Id get a therapist immediately and work on rebuilding your life without him. This will do some damage for sure, so im serious about therapy. Im sorry OP. I wish i could answer what happened for you.
Menestee1 said:
I hope you dont take this the wrong way but you may never get closure from him, but perhaps you can create it. By reminding yourself that he is an ass for doing this to you and clearly he isnt who you thought he was if he is willing to leave you in such pain with zero answers.
Maybe it isnt a you thing. He doesnt need to move anywhere to break up with you. Maybe he was just bored with his life and decided to pick up his roots. That says more about him than it does you. Hes an a$$, and a cold one at that. Hope your cat gives you plenty of love!
And JJ25420 said:
My ex husband of 7 years left me out of the blue two days after my bday with no arguments / no fights - we had a great relationship. It made NO sense. I was honestly lost for like 3 weeks and then put myself in EMDR therapy (I have been in EMDR for 10 years but as time goes on you don’t need it) but for a traumatic event it’s an amazing tool.
A LOT of healing and being with friends helped a ton. Doing my hobbies and realizing it wasn’t me was the biggest thing. I did nothing wrong, it was his decision to leave and even though it’s been 4 years and I’ve had no closure I honestly do not care. If someone just leaves like that to me he clearly had something going on with HIM.
Two weeks after her original post, she shared this UPDATE:
Short summary: My boyfriend of nearly 7 years left me, moved hundreds of miles away and refused to talk to me. Even his parents told me that he doesn't want to talk to me and that they can't force him to. A mutual friend (more his friend) told me the same and then blocked me as well. I was left confused, alone and sad.
Now, over 4 weeks later, he contacted me again and we agreed to talk face to face at our?/my place. I'll have to disappoint everyone from the start: No movie worthy Yakuza/Mafia story.
What he told me happened was that he simply panicked and ran away. Apparently I was asking too many questions about the future: if he ever wanted to get married, what he thought about children etc. I also pushed him a lot to finally finish his degree and get a job. (his main source of income are still his parents) He said he just couldn't handle it and saw his life as being over and needed to get away from it all.
Then he started blaming his friend who convinced him that "he was wasting his twenties on just one girl". That same friend apparently also got him a job which is why he moved away hundreds of miles. That job didn't work out and he got fired after a few weeks. I guess that's why he is back now.
I asked him why he didn't at least talk to me and how hurt and worried I was. He said that he "didn't want to make me cry" and that "he didn't really want to break up". He wanted to prove that he could succeed at that job and then come back to me.
Overall a lot was said, we talked for over two hours but that's the gist of it. He must have apologized like a hundred times, telling me how stupid he was to let his friend influence him. One kindergarten like logic stuck with me. He said: "We never broke up. I never said that I wanted to break up. We just took a break!" In my mind that sounded like: "Ha, you didn't say UNO, we're still together!" ..........
He basically promised me heaven on earth if we got back together. Breakfast in bed every morning, he'd do all the chores, what have you. He also swore that there was nobody else, that he slept with nobody else.
In the end he asked if he could stay because he hasn't been paid from that job and used all his money and has nowhere else to go. His parents live too far away and he is on bad terms with that friend who got him the job. I felt a bit bad but I told him no. That I needed to process and think about everything. I did however agree to store some of his boxes to free up his car.
So, that's where I'm at now. Sitting alone in my apartment with his boxes. One of them smells really bad, like moldy clothes. Maybe I'll wash those tomorrow for him at least.
Now I need to think about what to do with all of this, what to do with myself. Part of me still loves him. We had so many great moments together before that, he helped me through a lot. He helped me get away from my abusive mother and stepfather. He is the man I wanted to marry, maybe have children with. :( This is only my side of the story, too. I don't know everything he has to go through mentally.
I can understand panicking. I don't know. I want to thank everyone who took their time to read all of this. It felt good to write it all down. I went no contact with my mother and stepfather and don't have a lot of friends because I'm a bit shy and not that outgoing. I don't have a lot of people to talk to about this. Sorry if it's too long. Thank you.
EDIT: I read nearly all the replies here. Thank you so much for your input. I probably needed to hear a lot of the things that were said. I thought about everything and won't be getting back together with him.
The most important argument for me was "What if it happens again? 10 years from now, after we're married or had children?" I wouldn't be able to handle it. And I still don't trust him with everything he said happened (or didn't happen) while he was away.
I will figure something out with the boxes and everything else that needs to be handled and I'll try to set clear boundaries when talking to him in the future. He isn't all horrible despite how he acted. He saved me from my stepfather and was there for me in the years after. I owe a lot to him but I think that also made me accept things and behaviors I shouldn't have. (even before he left)
Here's what people had to say after the update:
If the job worked out he wouldn’t have come back.
ThrowRA_sad_cat OP replied:
That's what I was thinking, too. I also think that there was somebody else but I don't know.
Did you ask him if there was someone else or did he bring it up on his own? If he did, then he's most likely projecting his actual motives on the situation, and either he had an actual person in mind or was just hoping to jump into a new relationship in general.
ThrowRA_sad_cat OP replied:
He brought it up first that there was nobody else like Frank Reynolds from Always Sunny going: "I definitely didn't diddle any kids, nobody is diddling kids here." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2jBBQQkDL0. It's what made me so suspicious.
... >didn't make you cry? Haha. He just didn't want to SEE you cry. That's a difference.
This here is everything. I wish there was some way to pin your words to the top of any post about people who nuke their relationships and then want back in. 'Wanting to not hurt you' vs 'not wanting to see you hurt' are very different. Always look to their actions to see who they intend to benefit.
ThrowRA_sad_cat OP responded:
Yes, that's a good explanation! It feels like he didn't care about hurting me as long as he doesn't have to look at me being hurt or deal with my reaction.
Don't you dare do his laundry.
ThrowRA_sad_cat OP responded:
So many people said this haha. You guys convinced me not to wash them. I'll just put them in like a triple garbage bag. They are SO bad though. It's like he washed them and then put them in a bag/box without properly drying them and now they smell so strongly of mold.