Man with terminal cancer snaps at MIL after she says 'it's not your fault.'
People can be untactful in general, but it gets even worse when it comes to illness. Unless they've been through it themselves, most people don't know what to say when a loved one gets cancer. Especially, if they have a late-stage diagnosis and are looking down the barrel of an early death. Understandably, this is deeply exhausting for the person who actually has it.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for snapping on his in-laws after they made an insensitive comment. He wrote:
"AITA? I have Stage IV Cancer and said “no s#$t” to what I thought was in-laws weird /insensitive comment."
I have stage IV cancer with young kids and a wife. Probably going to die within 1-2 years so my fuse is shortened with certain people. In-law says to me “It must be so hard for your family and what your family is going through. I want you to know this is not your fault.” They have said something similar to me before and I just said “I know” and moved on.
This time I couldn’t take it and said “no s#$t, it’s pretty obvious I didn’t deserve cancer and I know it’s not my fault for getting it.” She became upset and told a few people I was rude to her. Should I apologize? Am I misunderstanding what point she was trying to make?
The only way I can think of taking it is that there could be a thought in people’s mind that it's my fault for getting cancer and making things so hard for my young family. I’m young, lived a healthy life (not that I would deserve cancer even if I didn’t) so I don’t get it. Am I being overly sensitive? Was she just looking for a Good Will Hunting moment? I honestly don’t get her point.
The internet quickly gave OP their thoughts.
Turbulent_Message637 wrote:
NTA. Focus on your health and well-being. Her feelings about your response to her foolish comment are hers to manage. If anyone is owed an apology it’s you. You may want to reduce your exposure to this person, you don’t need her extra drama.
olivebegonia wrote:
NAH. People can get very unsure of what to say to people that are in your position. She didn’t say it with any malice. I know I’m just a stranger on the internet, but I beat stage 4 cancer a little over a year ago now, and the hardest part was seeing how hard it was for the people around me. It seemed harder for them than it did for me tbh. It’s a really bizarre experience.
I don’t know what type of cancer you have, but all hope may not be lost! I had stage 4 metastatic colon cancer that had spread to my liver. I did 6 months of chemo and 3 surgeries. They told me I most likely wouldn’t make it but I’ve been cancer free for over a year! Wishing you the best, stranger!
ParsimoniousSalad wrote:
NAH. I'm guessing that she would have felt guilty for "leaving" her family, and just didn't quite get the difference. People are really clueless on how to cope with illness and death and provide comfort to others. Sorry you're having to deal with all this.
tatersprout wrote:
NTA. When someone is talking to you directly about your situation, they should be extra compassionate and have sympathy for YOU. If they were talking to your family members, then it is okay to sympathize with their perspective. Your in-laws were basically telling you how hard it is on the people around you, but not even recognizing what this is doing to you.
Telling you it's not your fault is ridiculous when you've never voiced that you felt it was. I'm very sorry and hope a virtual hug from a stranger on Reddit helps you know that you aren't wrong for anything you feel. I hope you are working through your bucket list.
L3x1Sky wrote:
NTA. That’s a pretty big assumption on their part, and quite insulting, if they think they need to remind you it’s not your fault. Then to say YOU were being rude? When you were pointing out how ridiculous and patronizing that statement was with your response? You are definitely NTA.
While people are torn between NTA and NAH, it's clear that OP is not TA - and overall, it's just a very hard situation.